Mar 24
nothing new
the more time passes, the more i want to be with him. isn’t it supposed to work the opposite way? aren’t i supposed to be seeing the ‘good’ side of things? yeah, i’ve thought that now i’m ‘free’ i can just hit on hot guys and have sex whenever i want. i’m not that kind of person though. even if i was, i’d be working against it and wouldn’t want to do it. of course i’ve thought of all the regular escapes: drugs, sex, alcohol. i won’t deny that while i’m doing those things i’ll forget, but i’m certain i’d only hate myself more after the fact. i don’t know what to do to dull this.
i thought i was done crying. i thought wrong. maybe it’s just a bad week. i’ve also been rationing my meds because my doctor isn’t back until the second. bad timing on my part, but considering i’m planning on stopping altogether, i shouldn’t be feeling like this due to lack of (legal) drugs. then there’s always the hormonal approach. i should probably get that tended to so i actually know what’s going on. i’m sure the answer will be to go on birth control. weight gain is something i don’t need right now, even if it was all in my boobs.
i think what i want most (after being with jeff) is unadulterated certainty in my feelings and decisions. something i can never have.
and now my downloads have stopped working for some unknown god forsaken reason. ah fuck it, i’ll just go cry myself to sleep.
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