i know you’re happy now. i wish you weren’t. i don’t know what exactly i did for you to hate me. maybe i’m just not good enough? i haven’t been the only one accused of that flaw. whatever it was, i can’t help but feel saddened and angered at the whole situation. also frustrated that i can’t just come out and talk to everyone like i want to so badly. again, i’m in a mood where i can say anything and i don’t care about the consequences. really, what does it matter? it doesn’t.

you’d think i’d be used to people not liking me by now. it’s been happening all my life. i don’t really know why. i know i think i’m a terrible person, but compared to others, i’m not that bad. especially considering people don’t know the thoughts which lead me to believe i’m terrible. so what is it? what is it about me that’s so unlikable? go ahead, leave a comment. tell me my wrongdoings. i’m giving you permission to kick me while i’m down. i hope i can use it to better myself, or get better friends. hah.

update – if it makes you feel better, leave a comment anonymously.

i think august 2nd is the date that will stick. the incubus concert was canceled in february due to illness. the new date was canceled due to mike getting surgery for his carpel tunnel. can’t have incubus without the guitarist. now, finally, the date is set for august 2nd. unfortunately, that means i only get to see them once this year and never in an intimate setting. the new venue is the molson amphitheatre, which i hate, but kool haus ticket holders get in an hour before the doors are open and get the pit and up to level 200.

what i hate most about the molson amphitheatre is that i have no idea where the buses are. does anyone know? can the public access it? i’m fairly certain i can’t just walk up to the area and wait for them to come out of the venue. i’m going to have to really work my ass off to get invited to the after show party. that’s if they’re even having after show parties for this leg of the tour. *sigh* regardless, august 2nd will be the best day of the year for me. i’ll have waited to see incubus for six months from the first date. it’ll be almost three years since i’ve seen them in concert. i’m going to try for a new york show too. i might as well. that’ll be my sixth time. the ultra lucky one. they haven’t got back to me about the vip thing yet. i should email them again.

i’m so happy that i have next week off. i’m supposed to be studying for my styles and genres exam right now, but i can’t focus. my final exam is on saturday. it’s contract law. oy, that’ll be a doozy to study for tomorrow. i should go to a study group, but i don’t feel like being social and studious at the same time right now. i’ll feel so good 3pm on saturday. then the week i’ll never remember shall begin.

i keep saying i’ll be drunk for this whole week, but i should start making plans now if i want to see it happen. i’ll talk to people tomorrow and see if they want to go to bodyenglish saturday night. oh, but i hate clubs. i really do. plus, saturday there looks like crap. 23+ men? no thanks. top 40 retro? i think only i would truly enjoy that. then there’s the problem. this is why i need to move.

i have places to call back for interviews. i’ll do that tomorrow right after my exam. i want a job, but i don’t know how well working downtown will work. i also hate going all the way downtown for an interview that lasts twenty minutes at the very most and then i don’t get the job. so frustrating! i still don’t know my schedule for third term. we’ll be starting before i find out.

i don’t want to study. i can’t focus on anything else right now. i feel like talking to someone. i hate what i’ve let my life become.

i can’t move on because i have no control over this. i never knew i was such a control freak until now. maybe just one more chance? am i still in denial? things just don’t feel right. but would it feel any different if things changed? wouldn’t it just be a false happiness, like that other time? do i even really want it? the grass is never greener on the other side, so what about now? i’m on the non-green side, so does the saying still apply? is it less green than here now? it’s pretty friggin’ barren here.

i think i’m going to be a big idiot and go to university next september. hell, screw september. i might as well try for the winter semester. it’s not like i’ll have anything else on my plate, or have anything i need to complete. i wish i had parents that were paying for it all. that would make things a lot easier and way better. thank god for osap. i’ll work part-time while in school again and pay off my debts for metalworks. then i get to pay off more debt when i graduate from university. at least i’ll have a lot of education. yet, i’m quite certain i still won’t be satisfied.

i need to make more of an effort with certain things and spend less effort on others. it’s hard to not be sad right now. being sad takes a lot of energy and if i could stop, believe me i would. i should probably get on that therapy thing. ugh, more money. i need a job.

i have all these plans, but never any drive to do them. maybe i really don’t want to be happy. i don’t. my entire relationship i worried and looked for something to be wrong. that’s half of why it was so hard to determine whether or not something was actually a problem or just something that i’d embellish or wrongly feel was a bigger problem than it was. i really would like another chance. i’d like it now, but i think i (we?) would fail again at this moment. eventually. two weeks? hahaha. no, really. okay, no. there’s just something off about the whole thing.

bah. past 3am. i suppose i should try to sleep if i’m to wake up early and write a presentation.

i desperately need to move far, far away and just start fresh. keep in contact with the few ‘real’ friends and never see the others again. thats sounds so refreshing and it would be a huge relief. i’d also be rid of constant reminders of certain somebodies and others who cause anger/hatred. i want to drop the life i’ve lived, pick up somewhere else and find my true self along the way.

unfortunately, it won’t be happening any time soon. thanks to my semi-addiction to the internet, part of my problem is my doing. argh! so indecisive always. nothing pleases me completely. i want both and all of the above.

i laugh at people that assume things. then i never talk to them again unless i want something. they’re so dumb and i hate them, but it’s hilarious. one of these days i’m just going to say what everyone thinks. i can do it now since it would have absolutely no repercussions. i’ll save it for when i move. it shall be my house warming gift to myself. a few well worded letters and a face to face confrontation will do nicely. maybe i’ll even get to see tears or get a bitchslap in. one can only wait and dream until that day . . . sometimes, i really love me.

why do i always get the courage, or enough craziness/stupidity to say things when i can’t? not that saying anything changes things. when will this stop being such a tormenting force in my life? my heart keeps breaking over and over. i can’t move on. it’s too far from the familiar.

i’m not a ’single’ person. i grew up wanting to be a twin, for crying out loud. how’s that for dependency issues? if i haven’t been in a relationship, i’ve yearned for one. my focus was the guy i wanted to be with. that’s so ridiculous because that goes against everything else i am, but it’s how i’ve always been. i am one big fleeting errant contradiction.

people believe that i’ll get through this. it’s early still, but i don’t know if i will. the blocks i keep hitting aren’t going away. it’ll be one of those time things, but i’ll die a thousand times before i heal.

i don’t want to be sad anymore. i don’t want to care about what he’s doing or his life or anything. i’m sick of being jealous of nothing. i’m tired of remembering that i no longer have a right to know or feel anything related to him.

in other news, i contacted a modeling agency and they want me to go in for an interview. i think they just set up shop and are wrangling anyone they can get, so it’s nothing to get excited about. i still desperately need a job. another thing i’m getting tired of is sending my resume to four places a day and not getting any replies. i also hate interviews because it’s the same old crap over and over and it’s so tiring. it’s hard to be cheery and peppy while repeating the exact same information that is clearly written on the resume and work sheet i filled out, and i just stated for a similar interview a couple of hours earlier. why do i seem to have to do the things i hate the most? if it involves tedium and fakeness i have to do it millions of times. i never get to sing or talk about interesting concepts over and over. what the hell is that about?

hmm, so i now have an open window. do i jump?

as soon as i have enough money, i’m going to change my hair dramatically. i’m going to go to a fancy salon and tell the hairdresser to do whatever they think would look best on me. the one condition is it has to be something i’ve never done before. i always have these phases of wanting to change my appearance, but i believe i really need it now.

i need to sing or write or some sort of release. i still haven’t gotten incredibly and stupidly drunk. i haven’t had the money. also, for some reason i just can’t get drunk with the asian crew. i suppose it’s because they have a few drinks and they’re already drunk, so i’d have to keep drinking by myself to get sloshed. maybe i’ll go all out on 420. i know there’ll be at least one day with kathy where we’ll get depressingly drunk.

i plan on not remembering the first week of may. i don’t care how or who with but i will be drunk/intoxicated for at least four of the seven nights of that week. i guess i have that to look forward to. also, my birthday week should be fantastic. being with tal will brighten my spirits, but being in seattle will change me. that’s if i can remember any of it, which i should since the poor girl is supposed to be working (and she will be *shakes fist*) not partying with me.

it’s funny, i get whole periods of days where i really don’t care anymore; it’s just another event in my life that happened and passed and it doesn’t mean anything to me now. and then i’ll get days like these where i’m on the verge of tears from seeing a picture of him taken so long ago. i was even thinking about the problems today and how they’re unfixable: that’s just the way he is and i either have to accept it, or find someone else who isn’t like that. yet, i still want him back. maybe it’s because i refuse to believe that there’s anything better for me. i deserve to feel uncertain and neglected because i hate myself and that’s the best i can do. let’s be honest, the blame isn’t on him. i expected a lot without actually voicing what i wanted. but there’s still this part of me that screams to be given a second chance. i want to do it right. do it the way i always wanted to, but never did for some unknown reason. do it as the non-screwed up whitney.

the entire time i didn’t know (and still don’t know) whether it was my problem, his problem or a combination of the two. when we got it right, it was so right. i guess now is the time when i find out what went wrong. there are so many variables, i still think it’s impossible to know.

i always wanted more. more time, more attention, more everything. it made sense to me that given his situation and feelings toward certain people during certain times, he’d rather be with me than them. but that wasn’t the case. he chose them, so of course that led me to be confused and hurt on numerous occasions. since we never talked to each other on the phone, i thought he’d want to talk to me every time he came online. i wanted to talk to him. okay, so that one was more me, but for the last three years, i’ve barely talked to him first. why would i change now? the way i saw it was if i talked to him first i could be bugging him, so i’d just wait until he had time/wanted to talk to me. yeah, i know it’s stupid, but i hate myself remember? so i think why waste someone’s time. i’ll let them come to me. i know, i know i should’ve given in for that one and it was dumb, but there are so many other things that i changed or gave up too. i think that was one of the main problems. we both felt like we’d given so much and the other one didn’t appreciate it or know about it. but how were we supposed to appreciate it when we didn’t say what we were sacrificing? relationships are simple; people are complicated.

my doctor upped my medication again. she didn’t want me to relapse. she also gave me some information for a therapist. not so much for advice, just for someone to listen and agree. kind of like this, but an actual person that responds immediately. we’ll see how that goes later.

i’d proof read this, but i know i’d end up deleting half of it. there are some final statements i want to make though. i don’t blame him for what happened. i don’t blame me either. we both did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do things we should have. even after all the analyzing and realization of major problems, i still want to be with him. he’s an amazing person, i still love him and i learned that relationships are never, ever perfect, even in the beginning. they take so much work, but it only does anything if you show it.