obliviously obvious

it’s a bad combination. it leads to rumination. i sent out more emails for interviews though, so it’s not all bad.

tomorrow is driving and something else. i can’t stand to stay in again. i’m going to have to force myself onto someone else’s plans.

i wish i was tired.

i’ve gotten into the habit of window shopping on ebay. the hope of purchasing something new keeps me happy. wow, i’m so pathetic and riddled with problems. to be fair, i haven’t really bought anything for myself in a long time. i really wanted to wait until i had a job, but there’s this amazing ps2 package on ebay right now. i know it’s going to rocket up to at least $400 and i should buy the decent priced one that ends first, but i want it so badly. it has so many things in it that i want. there’s also a number of tablet pcs that are for sale that i want too. if only i’d gotten the job at yuk yuk’s. stupid place. they didn’t even let me know i wasn’t hired. i even sent her a thank you for the interview and she didn’t even respond to that. how unprofessional.

i guess i’ll go back to being more bored. i’m thirsty. it’s also unusually warm down here. i don’t like it. i still need to talk, but i haven’t felt like it and i don’t know if i ever will. it’ll be like talking to a wall with attitude. fun. *waves flags*

i forgot to take my pill today, so i have a weird, almost drugged kind of tired feeling. note to self: never take ‘the pill’; it will do no good with my habits.

today was fun. long and tiring, but fun.

still no job because well i don’t really know why, so i’m not as elated as i once was. that was the perfect job. i don’t think i even stood a chance. the interview was great, but i think she already had someone else in mind and only interviewed people because she could, or something.

i have a lot of, dare i say, prospects on the line at the moment. i’m trying out for this on camera job-show type dealy thing. it should be interesting to say the least. it makes me think about taking journalism in university, but i’m terrible at meeting deadlines and that’s all that reporting/shows/news are all about. or at least they’re supposed to be. i think i could make up for that in charisma, charm and my on camera presence. people always say they have a hard time being on camera, but i never understood why. that thinking process doesn’t make sense to me.

maybe i could be a journalist like george stroumboulopoulos. i hung out with him today at the hour. well, maybe ‘hung out’ is the wrong term, but it’s my journal so i can use whatever terminology i like. we (me and him) did talk about breasts though, so i guess that constitutes as hanging out. he’s a super nice guy. he had a plane to catch that he was already running late for, but he still stopped to talk to us again on his way out of the building. he’s also taller than i thought he was and i was wearing heels, not my usual 3.5″, but still.

anyway, yes, journalism with a minor in psychology. i could handle that. financially not so much, but i’ve got a year. i’m not in a rush yet. when i’m still in school at twenty-five, then i’ll feel the rush. i feel it now, but only because i have no money. hah, as if more schooling is going to put money back into my pockets. now that i really think about it, journalism is kind of the perfect thing for me. it involves writing, people/things in the public eye, entertainment, it’s not a boring 9-5 job at a desk filing papers and you get to meet a lot of interesting people (usually). sounds like a plan.

i still haven’t broken the news to my parents. i’m waiting until i have a job before i tell them i want to spend more money. i think, like me, they’ll have mixed feelings and some reservations. will i stick with it? will i put in the effort to do well? etc. i’m hoping that if i express to them that i have no intention of them helping me with payments (damn all you lucky/rich bastards that pay nothing) and that university comes with osap so it’ll be semi-okay, they might actually be happy with my decision.

another thing i’m excited about (the other was ‘the hour’ and george) is having alan cross as my teacher. it might mean nothing to anyone else, but being the music nerd that i am, i’m ecstatic at being able to have his knowledge imparted directly to me. i’ve been listening to his show for almost a decade and he still teaches me things i never knew. he’s just full of information, experience and anecdotes. they’re not ego boosting bullshit anecdotes either. it’s amazing to interact with him for three hours every week. also, his music taste is impeccable.

time for sleep. i am tired and this entry took much longer than i anticipated. i got distracted by links on george’s site.

stupid domain. this is frustrating me. it should work by now. i have no patience. i want things to happen immediately and swiftly. stupid internet. catch up, damn it!

i’ll do the real post tomorrow, including all the good details that i’ve been clinging to for happiness. not completely. i’m having an angry vs sad moment, so i don’t give a damn about certain things. there’ll be some awfully interesting conversations later. i might even go so far as to call. what the hell, break tradition. things just aren’t settled like they should be, and it’s not all my fault damn it! boo! grr, i’m so mad. no, i’m frustrated and feel unjustified.

i have lots of stuff to write about, but i’m not really in a writing mood. i do want to get it all down because some of it excites me and i want to share, and i also need some suggestions for things. tomorrow or the next day. by the way, are there any parties happening for may 24?

i registered a domain. i’m still using blogger as a host for now, but you can access this site using whitneyreyes.com. see? i also have an email address to go with it: whit or whitney at whitneyreyes.com. i might sign up for hosting later if i get the job i want. i’m too lazy/poor at the moment. don’t worry about feeds or links and all that. it all gets forwarded to the same place so they all stay the same for now.

i’m going to read and see if i can get into the routine of books putting me to sleep instead of using downloaded tv.

there are a number of things i have to do in order to get better and be the person i want to be. in no particular order:

• get a job – this will enable me to do the other things on my list a lot easier and faster, thereby making me better sooner. this will cause a chain of events leading only to success for a while.
• learn to drive and get my g2 – i’ve put this off for so long for various reasons and problems. i hope to correct this soon, possibly by july.
• see a therapist* – this is a biggie and i know some people are against it, but i want to try it first. it also depends on the therapist so this one could take a while.
• go to university/college – i’ve been doing some research and i definitely want to go. i even want to take on the costs of living on res. it may be weird for a while, what with the age difference and all, but i’m hoping being in a new environment will be positive for me and i’ll thrive instead of dying ever so slowly like i am now.
• finish that one thing – this shall go without description since i’m not exactly proud of it. i’ll look into it with more detail now, but won’t start working at it diligently until august or so.
• take voice lessons – this will happen by my third or fourth paycheck. if i happen to go back to school for music (a big if) i’ll need a good long while to get back in shape. my range is still there, but nowhere near the strength it once was. i’ve been looking into sls instead of classical training, but considering i’d like to get a diploma in opera one day, i don’t know how good of an idea it would be. no harm in trying i suppose.
• find an internship – i should get experience under my belt even if i’m going back to school. who knows, if things go spectacularly well i might get a part time job there that i can keep while going to university. even better, they may decide to fund some of it. okay, let’s not go nuts, but crazier things have happened.

then there are some things that i want to do to make me feel better, but have no timeline and aren’t mandatory for my immediate health:

• work out – this is specifically with the intention of having a knock-out body. it’s close but i need a little work. i only weigh 105 lbs now, so i can’t lose any weight without being unhealthy. i need to build muscle and lose a tiny bit of fat; that’s it.
• get a new hairstyle – i’ve had this one now for a good four years. it’s time for a change. the only thing that’s stopping me is money.
• finally get my tattoo – i’ve been wanting one forever and i was supposed to get one for my seventeenth? birthday. i guess i should decide what i want first. i thought i knew, but i decided against it. it almost means too much to have that on my body forever.
• get representation for modeling/acting – a girl in my class actually just started her own company, but i think i may have accidentally burned that bridge a while back. it’d be nice, but really not necessary.
• get more sleep – i’m hoping that when the needs are half completed, this will naturally come with it.
• get my own domain – i wanted to do this from the beginning but again, money! all those hosting costs add up. sure, a free domain, when i sign up for $6.95/mo USD for the rest of my life to your web hosting service! okay, it’s only for a year or two and the price isn’t bad, but it is if you’re broke. i could manage it if it was monthly, but it’s not, it’s just priced that way.
• buy a ps2 – i know. it’s a sacrilege that i don’t have one, especially since i’ve been dubbed by my classmates as ‘the hardcore gamer’. i’m not amazing, but i’m better than most and definitely most girls (sorry to say). all my roms and isos can only take me so far. i’ve experienced all the classics that i missed the first time around because i was too young and now i crave the goodness that was missed while i was catching up. bring on devil may cry and .hack. i miss watching those games being played. once again rectification = money.

i think that’s it. that’s all i want to do with my life in the next couple of years. when i write it out like that, it doesn’t seem too demanding. people have had far more unrealistic and lofty lists. half of the tasks are easily manageable within the next six months or so. the others really depend on what happens during and after those six months. if i get a job, learn to drive and see a therapist though, i’ll be exponentially happier (i hope).

i shall break my routine slightly and go to bed at 2 am instead of 4. i say that, but i might just end up playing chrono trigger for two hours.

*does anyone else always have a hard time reading and saying it as anything but ‘the rapist’? damn you sean connery!

5:16 am – yeah . . . i got caught up in the gameboy version of tamagotchi (laugh away) and then chrono trigger. i’m even too tired to be sad. *yawn* i want my real tamagotchi now.

it’s 4 in the morning and i’m still up even though i wanted to fall asleep in my last class. my eyes hurt and i want to sleep, i just can’t. right now, it’s because i feel like talking to someone. there’s apprehension and i hope it’s not because of me. yes i still care and blahblahblah but i can’t have someone drop out of my life. especially not this someone. they’re just too special.

here’s to some good, yet depressing and too realistic dreams. if i can’t have it in real life, at least i can savour it in my sleep. oh, to have that feeling back.