obliviously obvious

same deal as the first one. Read more

this is super long, so i’m providing it after a cut. i wrote it for a message board and i’m copying it from there because it took me three hours to write. i haven’t edited it for content or cohesion, so keep that in mind. i was also extremely lax with the grammar, especially by the end. here’s my picture. my explanation of why i look stupid is in there somewhere. here’s the other picture that’s so much better. thanks mel! Read more

a certain someone was dead and close to everything that was happening made me think about them and want to cry.

a group of us (consisting of sean, a girl whose identity would shift and others in the other car) went to the mall with their mom and the entire trip i was holding back tears; i had to bite my lips and the inside of my cheeks to stop myself from balling. the mom kept saying or alluding to things that her child would say or do, making the car ride that much more difficult. after the mall trip, which involved me performing opera but in a cirque de soleil fashion and meeting up with fisher and some stupid thing to do with parking and wristbands, a mixture of ralph fiennes and daniel craig came to pick us up. i begged the mom not to leave and come have dinner with us. she’s on the brink of agreeing when i break down and start sobbing on her shoulder saying that i need her there because she’s the only thing left that’s partly that person. as much as it hurts me to have her there reminding me they’re dead, i want and need to remember them. the sobbing was so intense that i felt bad about the wet spot i left on her shirt where i was resting my head as i clung to her so desperately.

this was a sad dream. i’m tearing up now. it’s odd how emotions can transcend reality and the actual importance or meaning of life. when i try to apply the depth of my sadness of that dream to right now, i can’t do it. i can’t tell if it’s a mental block or if i just can’t care that much for this person. what does it mean? maybe i have to wait and find out.

p.s. i apologize profusely for my grammar. i know it usually isn’t good, but this time it’s atrocious.

i messed things up again. i hate this feeling. and i hate that he goes to her. she’s not a good friend. a good friend wouldn’t have done what she did. i’m probably just jealous. i just want to move far away and start fresh with a clean slate. go somewhere and start something where if i mess up, it doesn’t matter and i can just leave without any major consequences.

right now i just want to shut off my brain and forget everything. i really need to start therapy. i’m not getting better, which became blatantly clear last night. i also think it has to do with going from everything to nothing with no support system for the interim.  no communication, no closure, nothing.

my mom wants to take me for my blood tests tomorrow. i’m fairly certain i’ll pass out. just the thought of feeling blood leave me makes me woozy and i have to lie down.

hopefully i’ll have a good time tomorrow. industry party at the drake, although i think the location’s been changed. i’m not sure if i dreamed it or if i was told when i was drunk. i hate that. so many times. the best part is i can’t very well say ’sorry, i dreamed that i sent you the assignment, that’s why you never got it.’ who’s going to believe that? they really are that vivid. a blessing and a curse; latter in more recent times than i care for.

the point is, i hate what i did and that i always get like that. it causes nothing but guilt and anxiety for myself. more than that, i hate that it hurts other people too. boo. sucks to me.

i was ‘let go’ from yuk yuk’s for bullshit reasons, but there’s not much i can do about that. i realized that i’d been having so many dreams about jeff and his parents etc. because my boss’ boss (the who fired me) reminded me so much of his mom. there was like this fake niceness and awkwardness and i always felt on edge around her, like she was just waiting for me to trip up and anything i did wasn’t good enough. anyway, enough about that. (jeff’s mom wasn’t nearly as bad as my boss, but i guess it was just her mannerisms mixed with the ‘i’m doing everything wrong’ feeling that made me see it)

before i got fired, i bought one last semi-expensive purchase: a usb vocal microphone. is this a lead-in to a new path that i’ve chosen? not as such, no. at least not yet. i still need to pay off my current school debt and decide if i can really attempt school again. i just don’t think me and academia get along. i much prefer learning through life. granted, i don’t learn from school mistakes (i.e. not doing work) but that’s all part of the academia thing.

i’m really tempted to go to australia with one of those working plans and just stay there for six months or a year. see what happens and then maybe head to europe. when alex is done her schooling, we’ll head to l.a. and see if we can make it there. hopefully, i’ll have stayed connected/improved my connection with the incubus boys (insert ridiculously crazy giggle here) and that could possibly lead to something. you never know in this crazy thing called life.

back to the mic. i really just wanted it so i could work on my music more diligently.  i’ve heard recordings from webcam mics or regular non-music mics and the quality is brutal. i haven’t even tried mine out yet, but for my current purposes, it should be beyond adequate.

wednesday was a splendid evening and yet again, i had many a drink bought for me. i called a certain someone and it worked out great. i hope he calls me, but i’ll call him if it doesn’t happen soon. if it wasn’t for school, things would almost be going swimmingly.

this one is almost too personal to put out there, but since i keep having them and they’re practically identical, i suppose i should document them. but not right now because i need to eat.

basically it revolved around jeff and us getting back together. it’s the fact that i can throw myself back into those emotions so easily that sucks. i was with him in a house, a mixture of places. it was his house in the dream. his mom was doing laundry. he went to get food, because that’s jeff. i had that same apprehensive feeling i always had when talking/being with his parents.

i don’t need to write anymore, but i’ve been having these kind of dreams for a couple of weeks. involving jeff and his parents and getting back together or some sort of emotionally disturbing ensemble. i suppose the psycho incubus dream was a relief.

the first part of this dream was pretty nice though. it was my birthday and i had two ’suitors’. i obviously preferred one, but he was being cheeky/cautious/difficult. it led to me being in a bath and then a really nice passionate kiss with the hot guy that i liked. i don’t really know who it was. i guess it was a zac efron type minus the gay. he was young, cute, boyish looking and kind of harmless, but i knew there was a hot streak in there. needless to say, that part was fun.

hmm, i don’t usually write dreams like this. then again, i don’t usually write them to be viewed by ‘the public’ either.