i wish i were white(r)
that statement may come off wrong. i’ve never disliked my skin colour or my cultural background simply because it makes me so unique. i’ve never had anyone say bad things about it, only good. however, for certain reasons i wish i looked a tiny bit more ‘white’, for lack of a better term.
there are certain looks that are hard to pull off when not white. a few examples: goth, pin-up, victorian etc. it just doesn’t fit as well with darker skin. i could probably look the part easier with blonde hair, but that kind of goes against the part too.
why do i care so much? i don’t really. i guess i just find it frustrating that my looks have limits. it’s also hard to get really brightly coloured eye make-up to stand out. i never want to put too much on because i feel like it’s exactly that: too much. later when i look at pictures or see other women, i clearly have less make-up on. i already feel like every one’s looking at me without tons of make-up, so even though it makes me happy because it completes my creative idea, i don’t do it.
i guess this all has to do with my new ‘project’. i’m really just doing it for creative purposes because i’ve stalled musically for so long and i have yet to explore the visual side. i’m kind of hoping that i can gain a new perspective and be kicked into composing again. i’m buying a camcorder and i’m going to be taping myself. yes, i’m going to be a youtube/myspace/camwhore. well, maybe not. i haven’t really decided if i’ll post online or not. i’ve already bought a 500 gb external hard drive for the editing and such. i was due for more space. in any case, i figure it’s something i should do for the experience alone. it involves my creative, technical and business sides all in one package. who knows what’ll come from this?
hoping to sell my soul for fame . . . i completely belong in l.a.