i’m writing this here so i have to see it and be reminded a lot. my goal is to fit into my lace purple dress for my birthday. no exceptions, that’s just what i’m aiming for. if i don’t quite get there in time (it’s only three weeks. oy) it’ll be ok as long as i’m close. i guess a secondary goal will be my fat jeans being too big for me.

i have so many options for tonight. now that i finally have a job and am no longer poor i can go to my beloved cambridge without feeling guilty. i have that option for the weekend but after last night’s show i kind of feel like more loud music, whether it’s ‘good’ or not. i could go to paula’s birthday party but i’m not entirely convinced i want to pay $30 in her favour. she does have a surprising amount of hot friends i can make out with though. that didn’t work out too well last time, but that shouldn’t be a problem this time. at least it shouldn’t be. do i really feel like clubbing tonight? do i really want to be away from home all weekend? i can’t decide right now so i will talk about the show.

it took me three fucking hours to get downtown. luckily i just missed the devil wears prada. i was praying to superman, buddha and allah so i wouldn’t miss sksk. i walked in and felt ancient. everyone there was the average age of sixteen. after my initial shock i headed to the coat check and asked about who had played already. the doors opened at 6:30 and i got there at 8:00 so i was slightly worried. i missed the devil wears prada and we guessed the line-up would be emery, sksk and then the headliner chiodos. we were wrong. sksk was next which disappointed me because i hadn’t made my way to the front. the mix was bad and their drums and bass were too loud but it was still a good show. they put on a good act. and chad is hot. actually, there are like 3-4 hot guys in that band. next was emery. i could like them a lot more if they weren’t christian. they put on an even crazier show thanks to one guy. they were quite entertaining and i was happy that i found a nice spot at the front in the corner next to the barrier. chiodos was next but i left my awesome spot before they came on because i was waiting for my ride. i could’ve stayed ’til the end but i didn’t want to put up with traffic. i listened to them before the concert in preparation. they are so much better live. their energy is unreal and the lead vox is crazy good at amping the crowd. now all i’m going to listen to for months are sksk and chiodos. i suggest you do the same.

now i have to go get ready for either cambridge or paula’s. *sigh* i’m going to end up in cambridge again even though i need to do laundry so badly.

i got the internship. my only concern is that it takes about two hours to get there by public transportation. even if i could drive, i don’t have a car that i could use to go all that way. i’m still thrilled that i got it though.

i’m also the permanent bartender at yuk yuk’s now. it’s more work than i thought. i was kind of spoiled at sin city because i didn’t have to do any of the prep work or back room inventory. now i do, so i have to make that adjustment. i make more per hour than club bartenders, but i get far fewer tips. i say this like i’ve worked here longer than two nights. my first night was stressful. i didn’t know i was going to be actually working not just shadowing and it was unbelievably busy. we’ll see how things go from now on.

i was going to have my birthday party this friday and i guess i still could, but i wouldn’t be at the club until 1 am because i have to work. my plan was to order a keg and reserve a room etc. but it seems excessive if i can’t even enjoy it in its entirety. meh, maybe later in the summer just for kicks.

so this is it, for now. i know the colours and butterflies are a bit girly, but it’s clean and simple and fits in with my ’slogan’ (which is completely ripped off by the by). all that’s left is to start my dream journal, but due to certain plugin restrictions i don’t know if i can still do that immediately. it’s too bad because i just had a really emotional one last night. meh, i’ll write it and see what happens.

i think my ps2 might’ve arrived. whee. i have to go to the post office to pick it up tomorrow. i’m less excited about this than i thought i would be. it’s probably just because i’ve been keeping myself busy with coding and customizing my site as of late. it almost makes me think i should(’ve) go(ne) into programming or some sort of computer sciences. the problem is i don’t really understand it, i just ‘get it’ and i’m a fast learner. i guess that would be the point of going to school for it. i also don’t know how much i’d enjoy it as a job and how lucrative it is now/unless you’re a superwhiz and a superwhiz i am not. at least, i don’t think i am. enough about school, i don’t want to think about it.

i had an amazing birthday week/end. i’ll write about it later because i have more customizing and ftp-ing that i want to do.

i’m turning twenty-one tomorrow. i’m not really looking forward to it, but i’ve become used to the idea since my parents have been telling me i’m twenty-one since december of last year. nothing quite like six months of repeated reminders to get you into the mindset of something.

i definitely did not think that i would be here at twenty-one, but i didn’t have any idea what would be happening so . . . yeah. something i realized yesterday is that 2006 was a year of changes. a lot happened in such a short span of time. it was an emotional and life roller coaster. 2007 seems rather stagnant compared to it.

the past six months have been filled with grief and turmoil on all counts. i’ve probably cried more times from december than i’ve cried in my whole life. my social life has dwindled to a very lonely, solitary existence. it’s partly my fault, but partly not too. it also doesn’t help that trying to get my group of friends out is like pulling teeth and that was before there was an awkward moral/loyalty dilemma involved. this has led me to be excluded from lots of things which i’m bitter about, so i don’t really want to see those people anymore, but i’m also terribly desperate to do things.

i’m almost over it now. certain things only bother me for a while and then i realize i don’t care. i also realize and appreciate that what i had can never be given to anyone else because what i had doesn’t exist anymore. it’s changed. i don’t know if i’m only telling myself that or if it’s actually true. and if it is true is the change because of the break-up, or did it occur before? i like to think it was from before but that kind of makes me sadder.

in any case, i’m feeling rather apathetic about my birthday. i’d like to do something but i don’t know if i feel like putting all my effort and energy into it, getting excited and hopeful and then having everyone severely let me down, leading me to feel even more down about myself and wishing i had more/better friends. in this case, there is harm in trying.

oh well, i’ll send out emails to people in the next hour or so, see what the response is and go from there. i’m dreading this, but i really do want to have fun and some sort of normal celebration. i’d like for all the people that i like to like me enough to show up to one event. maybe i’m not having enough faith in people. i just feel really down and out of the minds of everyone. i know i wasn’t merely tolerated when i was with jeff, so what’s the deal now? bah.

thirty-one my dear. oy, am i really ten years younger than that? twenty-one. it’s still so weird.

i plan on sleeping a lot tonight and hopefully having pleasant dreams *fingers crossed*. do you hear that brain? dream good things. and would it kill you to try a little harder to fall asleep?

on another note, i know it doesn’t really mean anything, but the gift brightened my day. i’m still waiting and hoping. i’m also trying my hardest to figure out stuff on my end. i’m fairly certain i know what i want (i know), but should i do the opposite anyway for the sake of everyone? or maybe i’ve already done it and i’m waiting for the come back? i guess only time will tell.