i desperately need a haircut but i’m reluctant to spend any money. i need it for medication and to pay people back. maybe i’ll just go downtown tomorrow and do it. i was supposed to dye it blonde, but i really don’t have the money for that. plus i decided that i’ll do it in the summer; that makes more sense. i do want to have my hair prettified for saturday though.

random aside: i want to be in a band like paramore. i could totally be that chick. or garbage. guys who are in bands that are looking for lead singers are never looking for chicks. they want to keep it as homosexual as possible and make sure that every band practice is a sausage-fest. most of them aren’t good anyway, but it’s good practice for me.

i’ve been confused as of late. if you want details, just combine some other people’s blogs and you’ve got my problem. it’s almost funny how similar our problems seem to be; at least they’re centred around the same topic. *sigh*

tomorrow: haircut it is.

maybe i slept too much. my brain is all screwed right now. i’ll blame hormones too, ’cause why the hell not? it’s also annoyingly hot and stuffy in here. i should open the window. it could be my meds which i just changed today.

i’m getting quite sick of not knowing whether something actually happened or not. why do my dreams have to use so many real life symbols? my last one was okay because all the people in it were entirely made up. i do lose some control that way though. i couldn’t find a person for the longest time and then when i did find them i wasn’t sure if it was the same person and i couldn’t turn him into the person i had in mind. it was super annoying. i tried to read that paragraph but i couldn’t. sorry if it doesn’t make sense. the last three days have been weird like this.

another wordpress update has to be installed. i’ve been procrastinating for a while; like, say, my whole life. hah, self-destructive humour! screw you american firefox dictionary.

i need some balancing. i need to see tal. i’m actually kind of worried . . .

i messed things up again. i hate this feeling. and i hate that he goes to her. she’s not a good friend. a good friend wouldn’t have done what she did. i’m probably just jealous. i just want to move far away and start fresh with a clean slate. go somewhere and start something where if i mess up, it doesn’t matter and i can just leave without any major consequences.

right now i just want to shut off my brain and forget everything. i really need to start therapy. i’m not getting better, which became blatantly clear last night. i also think it has to do with going from everything to nothing with no support system for the interim.  no communication, no closure, nothing.

my mom wants to take me for my blood tests tomorrow. i’m fairly certain i’ll pass out. just the thought of feeling blood leave me makes me woozy and i have to lie down.

hopefully i’ll have a good time tomorrow. industry party at the drake, although i think the location’s been changed. i’m not sure if i dreamed it or if i was told when i was drunk. i hate that. so many times. the best part is i can’t very well say ’sorry, i dreamed that i sent you the assignment, that’s why you never got it.’ who’s going to believe that? they really are that vivid. a blessing and a curse; latter in more recent times than i care for.

the point is, i hate what i did and that i always get like that. it causes nothing but guilt and anxiety for myself. more than that, i hate that it hurts other people too. boo. sucks to me.

tomorrow after class i am going to get my hair cut and styled and then on a downtown shopping spree. i intend to pick up some hot pieces from american apparel. i should probably pre-shop online right now to verify the exact styles i want. then i have less than twenty-four hours until my moment of destiny.

my plan would’ve been flawless at the kool haus because there’s one entrance for everyone; no underground secret areas etc. i have no idea where the backstage entrance at the molson amphitheatre is. i suppose i’ll find out when i go for my meet & greet before the show. hmm, maybe this will work after all. i guess i just have to try for the after party passes while at the meet & greet. should i try myspace again as a precursor? or will that seem weird and annoying? he doesn’t have to read it i guess. might as well. but will it make him want to invite or avoid? such a fine line and one way could destroy all chances or start every thing! bah.

i can’t move on because i have no control over this. i never knew i was such a control freak until now. maybe just one more chance? am i still in denial? things just don’t feel right. but would it feel any different if things changed? wouldn’t it just be a false happiness, like that other time? do i even really want it? the grass is never greener on the other side, so what about now? i’m on the non-green side, so does the saying still apply? is it less green than here now? it’s pretty friggin’ barren here.

i think i’m going to be a big idiot and go to university next september. hell, screw september. i might as well try for the winter semester. it’s not like i’ll have anything else on my plate, or have anything i need to complete. i wish i had parents that were paying for it all. that would make things a lot easier and way better. thank god for osap. i’ll work part-time while in school again and pay off my debts for metalworks. then i get to pay off more debt when i graduate from university. at least i’ll have a lot of education. yet, i’m quite certain i still won’t be satisfied.

i need to make more of an effort with certain things and spend less effort on others. it’s hard to not be sad right now. being sad takes a lot of energy and if i could stop, believe me i would. i should probably get on that therapy thing. ugh, more money. i need a job.

i have all these plans, but never any drive to do them. maybe i really don’t want to be happy. i don’t. my entire relationship i worried and looked for something to be wrong. that’s half of why it was so hard to determine whether or not something was actually a problem or just something that i’d embellish or wrongly feel was a bigger problem than it was. i really would like another chance. i’d like it now, but i think i (we?) would fail again at this moment. eventually. two weeks? hahaha. no, really. okay, no. there’s just something off about the whole thing.

bah. past 3am. i suppose i should try to sleep if i’m to wake up early and write a presentation.