maybe i slept too much. my brain is all screwed right now. i’ll blame hormones too, ’cause why the hell not? it’s also annoyingly hot and stuffy in here. i should open the window. it could be my meds which i just changed today.

i’m getting quite sick of not knowing whether something actually happened or not. why do my dreams have to use so many real life symbols? my last one was okay because all the people in it were entirely made up. i do lose some control that way though. i couldn’t find a person for the longest time and then when i did find them i wasn’t sure if it was the same person and i couldn’t turn him into the person i had in mind. it was super annoying. i tried to read that paragraph but i couldn’t. sorry if it doesn’t make sense. the last three days have been weird like this.

another wordpress update has to be installed. i’ve been procrastinating for a while; like, say, my whole life. hah, self-destructive humour! screw you american firefox dictionary.

i need some balancing. i need to see tal. i’m actually kind of worried . . .

another upgrade from wordpress. it’s easy enough, but i’m too tired to do it now.

can’t wait for mexico! i’m crazy.

• apply for passport renewal
• get job
• buy concert tickets
• book package deal to mexico
• save money for said trip to mexico
• have best time of life
• pay off debts for many, many years

does anyone know if google ads are worth it? i’ve been thinking about it just because.

i could probably sing all of morning view (ouch it only got 2 1/2 stars from rolling stone. they suck anyway), including all the harmonies and embellishments (even the ones that have only been done a few times in live performances), in my sleep. how’s that for a run-on sentence?

to say he only ever had two lessons, b’s a pretty good singer, technically i mean. he’s only gotten better too. most people get gradually worse, but his technique’s improved. his diction and phrasing has always been above par in the ‘pop’ world. i suppose that comes with being a poet. hehe, he’s a poet. that sounds so funny. he’s really settled into what he can do. he’s only thirty-one. that’s quite a feat. a lot of people can’t be taught that kind of control, let alone grasp it naturally. gee whitney, do you really need to be singing (pun unintended) his praises anymore? we all know he’s perfectly perfect in every way. it would be really bad if he somehow read this one day. it’s not entirely impossible.

it still blows my mind. it seriously feels like some wonderful dream that happened. of course there’s little secrets that i keep which make the night even more special, but i’ll never tell. (more…)

i still haven’t read the iov board. i’m killing myself. i did however have a lengthy *ahem* discussion on the incubus group on facebook. needless to say, i won. of course the other side didn’t think so, but that’s because his head was so far up his ass . . . fill in own comparison here.

i’m having so much incubus withdrawal it’s not funny. luckily there’s news that they may start working on new album material right after the european tour. unfortunately, i still think they won’t be touring for another three to four years. gee, b’ll be thirty-five. i’ll be twenty-five. ugh, how depressing.

i still look at their pictures and can’t believe that night. it’s kind of weird how i feel right now. i’m right on the line between hysterical hope and belief that it was all meant to be and shockingly depressing realism of my inconsequential existence.

i really need to start fueling my creativity again. why do i lack so much initiative? my vocabulary is so poor right now. i can’t remember anything. i couldn’t remember vocabulary for crying out loud. i can practically feel my intelligence/life draining away. i’m meant for so much more than this. i know nothing will happen if i don’t try but trying is so hard. plus, i’ve pretty much gotten what i’ve wanted until now with minimal effort. i suppose i have to start putting in more if i want more. i know all this already, the trouble is in the doing. so often i’ve put in effort and got back minimal improvements in results. bah. on that note, i desperately need to take vocal lessons again.

now it’s headphone time, because everything sounds better on headphones unless it’s live and being blasted on twenty or so incredibly loud speakers. *sigh* it’ll be a long while until i get that again. unless . . . is it time for another crazy scheme? hey, this is how the last one started and that turned out amazingly surreal. i say i give it a shot. it all starts tomorrow when i go out for job interviews. here’s to it.

i know you’ve been pretty good to me this year, getting me into the incubus after party and all, but i’d really appreciate it if you could see your way into making that not happen. it’s not overly important, but it would make up for losing my job. it also would help me know that i don’t suck and verify my assumptions of other suckage. it would just seem rather unfair considering my talent, background and knowledge compared to what’s being offered. if you can’t make it completely inaccessible, at least put up a few challenging roadblocks that will eventually lead to failure.

thanks!

- whitney

p.s. if i decide to take the same road again later in life, can you make things go better? i’ll try this time, scout’s honour.