i messed things up again. i hate this feeling. and i hate that he goes to her. she’s not a good friend. a good friend wouldn’t have done what she did. i’m probably just jealous. i just want to move far away and start fresh with a clean slate. go somewhere and start something where if i mess up, it doesn’t matter and i can just leave without any major consequences.

right now i just want to shut off my brain and forget everything. i really need to start therapy. i’m not getting better, which became blatantly clear last night. i also think it has to do with going from everything to nothing with no support system for the interim.  no communication, no closure, nothing.

my mom wants to take me for my blood tests tomorrow. i’m fairly certain i’ll pass out. just the thought of feeling blood leave me makes me woozy and i have to lie down.

hopefully i’ll have a good time tomorrow. industry party at the drake, although i think the location’s been changed. i’m not sure if i dreamed it or if i was told when i was drunk. i hate that. so many times. the best part is i can’t very well say ’sorry, i dreamed that i sent you the assignment, that’s why you never got it.’ who’s going to believe that? they really are that vivid. a blessing and a curse; latter in more recent times than i care for.

the point is, i hate what i did and that i always get like that. it causes nothing but guilt and anxiety for myself. more than that, i hate that it hurts other people too. boo. sucks to me.

when you cry at video game fmvs. granted, it was supposed to be a moving scene and due to the particular nature of it (romantic, mushy, ‘i’ll be with you forever’) it’s not really surprising that i did, and it wasn’t so much crying as it was single tears, but i still hate it. i’ll blame pms, too. it seems to fit.

i don’t know how to get better. i’m not getting any better. day by day things are staying the same or getting worse. i’m tempted to up my meds or at least stay on them so it’s easier, but i’m not depressed anymore. i’m just heartbroken. hah, ‘just’ as if it’s nothing. it’s not like i don’t have that logical side that says ‘it’s just a guy. in a couple of years it (probably) won’t matter. soul mates don’t exist and even if they did would the second guy i dated really be it?’ and so on with other various questions and statements of similar content. no matter how hard i try to take emotions out of it, or instill negative feelings about what happened, i can’t stop. i’m pretty sure i’m a romantic to the core. the more i try to analyze this, the more aspects i discover that were so great about what we had. maybe it’s just tainted because i’m not in it anymore. fucking uncertainty. fucking love.

how can i be so cynical about people and love, and yet want it all so badly? to make things even worse, i fall in love fairly easily (with the right people) and hard. then i can never stop falling. why do i always like the complicated ones with heartbreaking pasts? it’s like trying to not love an adorable, hurt puppy.

days go by far too slowly and nothing i do ever makes it change. if i got what i wanted, i don’t even know if it would change things or if the next ending would be any happier. i said it before, i don’t think there is such a thing as a happy ending. the only way it can be is if both partners are interested in different people at the same time and they’re honest enough with each other and themselves to know they’d rather be with the other person. even in that situation, you’ve got to be pretty damn sure that the other person is better because otherwise you’re doubly screwed when it’s over. i think an affair is kind of easy to deal with because at least you can hate the person for breaking your heart. you shouldn’t want to be with them for cheating, but that doesn’t mean you won’t. at least there’s anger to help you through. and i’m assuming the other one is with the cheatee = happiness, at least temporarily. again, i’m putting this whole thing into random, hypothetical scenarios because then it’s like it’s not me.

did you know that when you have to cry/sob but you can’t do it because you haven’t recognized it, that you get a pressure in your chest. it’s just a little higher than your stomach, i guess right around the sternum area. it’s almost like being winded, but more pressure and the ability to breathe is still there . . . until you start crying. it’s such a relief though. i was in physical pain for a couple of days because of this and i was starting to get worried. then i took a shower (something about showers helps me cry) and the sobbing started and i could feel the pressure going away the more i cried. i think showers make me cry because they’re completely solitary. nothing but a vulnerable me with my thoughts. i really am too honest on this thing.

this morning i had an exam at 8:30. then i spent all day in the studio with the band that the label my class and i created have signed,*plug*label myspace: S.N.A.F.U Records & band myspace: As Is*plug* laying down the drum tracks. hmm, i accidentally typed drunk instead of drum. coincidence? anyway, after a pretty long day and last few months, i tried to get something going tonight but lack of response and fear of making that phone call stopped me from pursuing anything to its full potential. then around 9-10ish i got really tired anyway. if i had already been out or if plans had already been made i would’ve been fine, but it wasn’t meant to be.

i have to stop trying for both. i can’t do one without the other, so i have to deal with none. maybe that’s what’s killing me. i’m not just losing my lover, but my best friend and accomplice and companion for everything.

i warned you i’d be writing about this for months.

update - hah, i just realized it’s the first. i don’t care what month, it’s just a heart breaker now.

everything. but as if to answer my question and laugh in my face about it, life has decided to make my audio drivers stop working. well, that was weird. now they’re fine.

is it possible that i’m only just beginning to go through the anger stage now? no, i’d wager it’s wonderful pms. this is the same feeling i’d get when i was still with the guy. how can he still have this kind of control? this is not cool.

fuck benny goodman. learning about dead people is not going to help me promote a band. sorry if this is too random, i haven’t exactly been in a linear head space as of late.

i spent my weekend trying to control my endless sobbing. every single thing made me cry. i watched ‘my best friend’s wedding’ and i cried at everything. i watched ’shallow hal’ and i cried at that too. yeah, see? totally crazy! then i listened to imogen heap songs on repeat. they made me cry. i saw some pictures that made me cry. even watching something that i’m not going to name made me cry. it’s not usually the type of media that makes one cry, but i did.

at the moment, i think i’m all cried out. i’m definitely in more of a pissed off mood. only talk to me while drunk eh? well fuck you. my dreams don’t help. they only enhance my fears and make me live scenarios in which i’m livid. i also have to do a stupid project that is so frustratingly boring! i don’t care one bit. i cannot wait for the break at the end of april. i need that week off so badly.

i’m kind of liking this whole anger thing. it helps me not want him. it reminds me of all the things that drove me nuts when we were together. i’m almost back to how i felt when i was on the fence about breaking it off. all the sappy, romantic, loving, good memories mean shit to me right now. wow, i am seriously messed. not twelve hours ago i was barely able to stop myself from crying at just the thought of jeff. now i feel nothing.

okay, i’m going to sleep and i’ll probably have some heart wrenching dream that’ll make me desperate to be with him again. oy.

update - now i know what’s wrong. but i don’t want to say it because then that would only validate it and make it worse. i hate emotions.

the more time passes, the more i want to be with him. isn’t it supposed to work the opposite way? aren’t i supposed to be seeing the ‘good’ side of things? yeah, i’ve thought that now i’m ‘free’ i can just hit on hot guys and have sex whenever i want. i’m not that kind of person though. even if i was, i’d be working against it and wouldn’t want to do it. of course i’ve thought of all the regular escapes: drugs, sex, alcohol. i won’t deny that while i’m doing those things i’ll forget, but i’m certain i’d only hate myself more after the fact. i don’t know what to do to dull this.

i thought i was done crying. i thought wrong. maybe it’s just a bad week. i’ve also been rationing my meds because my doctor isn’t back until the second. bad timing on my part, but considering i’m planning on stopping altogether, i shouldn’t be feeling like this due to lack of (legal) drugs. then there’s always the hormonal approach. i should probably get that tended to so i actually know what’s going on. i’m sure the answer will be to go on birth control. weight gain is something i don’t need right now, even if it was all in my boobs.

i think what i want most (after being with jeff) is unadulterated certainty in my feelings and decisions. something i can never have.

and now my downloads have stopped working for some unknown god forsaken reason. ah fuck it, i’ll just go cry myself to sleep.

there better be a party or something this weekend, because i desperately need to get drunk. or high, but not a laughy goofy high. i need a real, super happy high. a kind of high that makes you feel actually happy not just masks the pain. i think this is what i did last time i went through a break up. it screwed me over pretty well. i couldn’t handle school and my coping mechanism for the pain. i shouldn’t do it again, but i think i can deal this time. plus, i don’t really see any other way. i can’t stand it anymore. it’s starting to make me angry because i want to be with him so much.

i can’t take this! and why isn’t anyone responding to my emails!? i need money and that ps2. i feel like an addict jonesing for my next fix. i can’t have the drug i need, so i’ll just go for what i can get. except it’s real drugs and not other people in place of the person drug. i can’t do that. well, i can i just don’t want to because that would just really destroy me. as if i’m not completely destroyed already.

i need a vacation. i need to get away. i need jeff back.