obliviously obvious

you know that acceptance feeling i had? i was right, it did have to do with lack of sleep and food. it took a couple of meals to go through my system before i started feeling ‘normal’ again.* maybe it was just because it was warmer outside and smelled like him.

everything about this hurts so much. i don’t want to do this anymore. i just want to be with him and be happy. i hate thinking about it all the time. it takes me roughly an hour to get to school on the bus and to get home afterwards. that’s two hours of nothing but sitting alone and thinking about everything that’s happened. when i get off the bus, an hour’s worth of me has died. and the loneliness is unbelievable. and the guilt. as much as i don’t want to hurt him anymore, a part of me does want him to be affected by this. i want it to mean as much to him as it does to me. of course, because i feel this way, guilt comes along with it. this is too damn hard.

i don’t know what i’ll do when the day actually does come. i can’t imagine having a good time because a part of me will be looking for him. i wish i could get drunk and forget all my problems. there are two things wrong with it: 1. i don’t have the money and 2. drinking would probably just make me wallow even more so. i’d be the contemplative, depressed drunk. i’m sure some crying would be involved and anyone who was with me wouldn’t like me from then on in. the only plan i can think that i would enjoy isn’t a good one in the long run. it’s also not fair to either of us. why does my answer seem so easy? why isn’t love enough?

here i am trying to be a better person and be a better friend to someone who completely backstabbed me. i don’t argue that what i did was wrong, but at least have the decency to tell me you’ve decided to ruin my life. i really don’t know if i can ever really forgive her. what she did has no moral reason whatsoever. i’m sure in her twisted head what she did was right, but it’s wrong on as many levels as it was right. last time i checked, a relationship was between two people, not two people and whoever thinks they know what’s best.

i had another dream last night. he was being stubborn and i was mad at him. i was quite mad, but not so mad that i couldn’t see past it. in my dream i had this epiphany of knowing that although i was so mad at him, i still really loved him and i was glad that he was with me. it was one of those moments when you realize that being mad is stupid and it doesn’t really matter anyway. i miss everything about him.

*nothing makes you lose weight quite like the break up diet. it may be the only positive thing right now. it’s the least healthy diet ever (it’s basically anorexia, maybe even bulimia given the right time of day) but it seems to work. i know, i’m going to hell and i’m fucked up in all the right ways.

i can’t find anything to stop this pain. i’m tired, but i can’t sleep. i’m hungry, but i can’t eat. i don’t want to watch, read or do anything. i don’t want to cry anymore, but it’s the only thing that comes easily. that and the memories. the memories pop up with every thought. i think about watching futurama or the simpsons and i remember a certain part that he liked, or jokes he’d make from them. that’s such a lame example, but it just happened so it was fresh in my mind. or from before we were even officially together at the prom after party. the joy of just being with him, sitting in the same room and knowing that he cared.

i’m scared that i’ll never be able to really let go because i’m so in love with the memories. if i could live in those moments, i would gladly do so in a heartbeat.

i really don’t know what to do with myself. i keep trying to go upstairs to eat something, but i can’t do it. i only slept yesterday because i took a very potent mix of gravol and two extra strength tylenol. plus, all the sobbing drains a person. i’m sorry for ruining the night and for talking about it ’til 7am, but i had to do it. without it, i couldn’t let go.

emotions are a funny thing. they’re really based on nothing, yet we can’t really control them. even if i could stop caring, i don’t know if i’d want to. i can’t stop loving a person who deserves to be loved. but i have let go. i promised myself that if this ever happened, i would let it end. i’m sorry for holding on for so long, i just really had to know that it couldn’t be saved and that this was the best route. it was selfish. i’m selfish.

this whole thing just raises so many questions about who and what i am. i think it’s time i found out by myself. i have to love myself first. it’s true. i’m self-destructive to the core and i have to stop.

now is my favourite time of all: the transitional period! it’ll be a ball this time around. i’m really looking forward to the day when i can love him without needing to be with him. i just can’t do it now.

tonight seems to be a better night. that means i’m not sobbing uncontrollably to every single thing that reminds me of him, which is every thing. i’m only shedding a tear here and there. it comes and goes i guess. i woke up today and couldn’t feel anything. it scared me. i thought directly of old memories and current developments, of feelings lost and pain inflicted, but nothing. it made everything meaningless. i guess then as i woke up more and started existing in the real world, i became sad again.

i may be stupid for this, but i’m not giving up. some things are just too precious. i’m going to beat this dead horse until it’s good and, well, beaten. even if it means it’s like starting over again (or it actually is starting all over again due to time or what have you).

i’m hoping time will help. one way or another it will. or it may hinder. it has already. again, another decision where i can only find out what happens by choosing one and seeing the outcome, leaving the other completely out of the question. i just feel like this wasn’t something that could end it.

i don’t know. i have these moments of thinking ‘yeah, i’m okay. it was good and now it’s time to move on,’ but then i think i’m just deluding myself. as if i haven’t really accepted it and i’m just going back to my ‘jeff’ mentality, for lack of a better term, but without any jeff. it all goes back to him being the majority of my thoughts for the past few years. it’s not only love i have to stop, but a habit i have to break. the first things i think of or associate things with are him. it’s just second nature now. even if i truly wanted to, i don’t know how i’d stop doing that.

i’m probably being too honest now. there are things i have to say. and i think it’s for the best if they’re said sooner rather than later. time has caused a bigger hurt than needed. the change from then to now could’ve been stopped, i think. i hope it’s not too late.

god, i’m retarded. oh the first, it’ll be a heart breaker for a while now.

i’ve reached over 500 posts. . . . yay.

things will never be the same. how do i stop caring after three and a half years? this is too hard. it’s like losing my other fucking half. it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. it wasn’t supposed to happen this way at all. after all the stupid things i’d done he still cared. i was -his- ridiculous.

FUCK!

i don’t have the emotional strength to remove pictures and such, but every time i see them i cry. every thing in my life is connected to that man. how can i possibly move on? what do i do?

p.s. it’s unfair, but i wish nothing but pain upon her. i’m a cruel bitch that doesn’t deserve happiness. so i hope to spread my misery to others who deserve it.

why is it hurting so much right now? i want to beg, cry and plead to go back to what it was. it won’t change a thing. it won’t stop.

p.s. crying with waterproof mascara on hurts much more than with regular mascara.

this is the point where i’d see someone and i’d balance out. i no longer have that luxury, so i’m much more insane than usual. i’m also bitchy, irritable, short-tempered and miserable. it is not a good time for me. i can’t stop caring, but i’m scared that it’s more in the possessive sense than it should be. just another confusion to go in with the bundle.

i think i’ll go with my cure all of singing tomorrow. if i don’t, i’m really going to tear a strip off somebody. i’m supposed to be having a meeting tomorrow too. i better sing before it otherwise i might blow the deal.

i wish i knew what was happening right now. i certainly hope it’s close to what happened last time. why do i hate that fact so much? because it was half true and even more of a threat now despite the current circumstances of the other side. this is killing me.

oh god . . . it’s really over.