every night i become increasingly short tempered. it’s my fault but i won’t stop what causes it. i wish i had the courage to move on. i wish i had the stability to move on. i continue to be a terrible person with each thought that crosses my mind. maybe i just need to unload it all; speak every last secret, confess all the lies. lose everything and start again. it’s far past time to move and leave the baggage behind.

last night i had a wonderful incubus dream. well, except the part when some guy threatened to kill me. the rest of it was excellent. i love performance dreams. rennie sent my mom an email and i finally got to meet him. we were joking like old friends. b wore a pair of hot boots. he also had a slight australian accent due to their recent tour there; he picked it up because he’s like that. if i have another dream like that tonight i’ll be very happy. to incubus!

maybe i slept too much. my brain is all screwed right now. i’ll blame hormones too, ’cause why the hell not? it’s also annoyingly hot and stuffy in here. i should open the window. it could be my meds which i just changed today.

i’m getting quite sick of not knowing whether something actually happened or not. why do my dreams have to use so many real life symbols? my last one was okay because all the people in it were entirely made up. i do lose some control that way though. i couldn’t find a person for the longest time and then when i did find them i wasn’t sure if it was the same person and i couldn’t turn him into the person i had in mind. it was super annoying. i tried to read that paragraph but i couldn’t. sorry if it doesn’t make sense. the last three days have been weird like this.

another wordpress update has to be installed. i’ve been procrastinating for a while; like, say, my whole life. hah, self-destructive humour! screw you american firefox dictionary.

i need some balancing. i need to see tal. i’m actually kind of worried . . .

thanks to the dream i had last night i feel like dating a scenester. you know the type. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i guess scene kids aren’t all that bad. they’re just usually dumb. some of them have a tongue-in-cheek approach to the whole thing and like it purely for aesthetics, which i guess might make them genuine scenesters. i’ll admit if i was younger and had fewer brain cells i’m sure i’d dabble in it; i have a penchant for faux glam/grunge pop-rock style. i did, after all, buy a handcuff necklace and guitar pick bracelet two weeks ago. i’m assuming that’s what i have to pick up from the post office. $8 charge on a package worth $25. that’s a kick in the non-existent balls. i wasn’t expecting that. you can be sure i’ll be asking about it.

i think i’ll finally pick up my paycheque tomorrow. i don’t know why they can’t just send it to me. oh well. i have to return their shirt too. i’ll have to febreze it because i left it wet too long before putting it in the dryer and now it smells foisty. maybe i’ll just do that load again since the whole load went that way.

i might put in resumes tomorrow. i’m definitely going grocery shopping. there are certain things i need and have been craving. i should get in contact with wind-up records. hmm, maybe not yet.

i guess with a full day planned i should sleep. it’s my damn music ocd acting up again.

random aside: i think i’m a d now. at first i thought it was just going to be temporary but they’ve stuck around for a good four months or so. i guess it’s good because i haven’t gained weight. i do need to lose fat and tone though. that’s the tough stuff. blah.

i still haven’t read the iov boards. i want to, but my ocd of checking everything i’ve missed is going to kill me. i realize that the longer i leave it, the worse it gets, i just can’t get around to facing the hundreds upon hundreds of threads and posts i have to catch up on.

i’m still having dreams involving meeting incubus, or seeing them again, making them late for concerts because i’m trading cell numbers with them. unfortunately, along with the amazing incubus dreams comes some really messed up war/ex-boyfriend dreams. i’d write about them, but it really is for the best if i don’t. far, far too personal and destructive to be public.

i want a champagne slushee. those were good.

why is it so hard to find a decent guy anywhere? everyone says my standards are too high but that’s bullshit. then when i do date someone, they’re not good enough for me. which is it people? i guess i do have high standards concerning looks. they have to be at least 6′ or look that tall. i’m not going to continue to list what i’m looking for in a guy because i can basically sum it up in two words: brandon boyd. i stray a little within attributes, but that type is pretty much it. i’m such a sucker for longer hair, but only if it’s done right. although, it does surprise me how many guys can pull off the right look.

i’m just babbling because i’m lonely and my dreams have an amazing power to set back any progress i’ve made. i really need to move to l.a. the second i’m done paying my debts, i’m gone. that’s all there is to it.

i’m so far behind in reading the iov boards; i’m dreading it. i keep putting it off because i know i’ll have shitloads to read, including a write-up of an afterparty that i’m looking forward to. i also haven’t had my meds in 3? days, so everything is dizzy and i’m fucking nuts. my dreams are so far beyond crazy right now. to add to it, they’re even more realistic. like i really needed that.

i’m so hungry. i half-dreamed about eating cream of chicken soup with crackers. of course, we don’t have any crackers and they’re the part that seals the deal. so i ordered mr sub. i should probably go wait for that upstairs. oh yeah, so much delicious food.

god i’m dizzy.

holy typo nightmare, batman!

same deal as the first one. (more…)