that statement may come off wrong. i’ve never disliked my skin colour or my cultural background simply because it makes me so unique. i’ve never had anyone say bad things about it, only good. however, for certain reasons i wish i looked a tiny bit more ‘white’, for lack of a better term.

there are certain looks that are hard to pull off when not white. a few examples: goth, pin-up, victorian etc. it just doesn’t fit as well with darker skin. i could probably look the part easier with blonde hair, but that kind of goes against the part too.

why do i care so much? i don’t really. i guess i just find it frustrating that my looks have limits. it’s also hard to get really brightly coloured eye make-up to stand out. i never want to put too much on because i feel like it’s exactly that: too much. later when i look at pictures or see other women, i clearly have less make-up on. i already feel like every one’s looking at me without tons of make-up, so even though it makes me happy because it completes my creative idea, i don’t do it.

i guess this all has to do with my new ‘project’. i’m really just doing it for creative purposes because i’ve stalled musically for so long and i have yet to explore the visual side. i’m kind of hoping that i can gain a new perspective and be kicked into composing again. i’m buying a camcorder and i’m going to be taping myself. yes, i’m going to be a youtube/myspace/camwhore. well, maybe not. i haven’t really decided if i’ll post online or not. i’ve already bought a 500 gb external hard drive for the editing and such. i was due for more space. in any case, i figure it’s something i should do for the experience alone. it involves my creative, technical and business sides all in one package. who knows what’ll come from this?

hoping to sell my soul for fame . . . i completely belong in l.a.

whenever i feel crappy or just down in the dumps, i want to dress up and make myself look really pretty. i try a new make-up style. i experiment with different colours and techniques (half the reason i look at celebrity gossip sites is for fashion, and mostly make-up ideas). i go through my closet and try to come up with new and interesting outfits that i haven’t worn before, or in a while. i do my hair, because i’m too poor to get it ‘did’. when i say i ‘do’ my hair, i mean i bother to blow dry it and then straighten/curl it.

of course, this always leads me to believe that i don’t have enough clothes (of the kind that i want, anyway) and i don’t have enough shoes. the latter point is very true. i only wear my boarding shoes to class because i take the bus, but if i drove i’d definitely wear some of my cute pumps.

this leads me to the fact that i need a job and i’ll be able to know what kind (part or full time) to get in a couple of days. my initial point was that i feel dumb getting all dressed up with literally no place to go. it used to be okay if i was seeing jeff. at least someone else could appreciate my efforts (i hope). now that he’s in windsor, i feel particularly stupid doing it on a friday day or night when i’m just going to stay home. or better yet, going to class. it’s mostly just for me anyway, but it takes so much work, time and effort, it almost seems like a waste.

let me clarify that this is not a plea for people to invite me places so i have somewhere to show off. it’s just an observation that my life seems emptier without jeff. i also feel guilty going to class looking really good. as if people will think i’m doing it for the attention of others, when really it’s for myself, or jeff . . . if he was still here.

i should go to bed, not only because i’m tired, but so i can wake up earlier and make myself up. maybe i’ll take some pictures and send them, so it’s not a total waste.

p.s. i already kind of used that title and i used far too many parentheses in this entry.