i’d like to go for a walk. my main reasons being that it’s a lovely autumn day, i have a package to pick up and most importantly, i need to pick up my prescription as i’ve already skipped a day. however, given my condition due to the latter, i don’t really feel up to par for a walk nor any excursion that doesn’t involve a bed. oh yeah, i forgot to mention that i’m also exhausted due to my superior plan of staying up all night so i could walk to get my meds and package. stupid dizziness. i guess it also doesn’t help that all i’ve been watching for the past, well, twenty-four hours has been anime and you know what that means: subtitles. tv is a little more tiring when you have to read everything. don’t believe me? ask a deaf person or if you’re entirely pc, read a book.

i’m beginning to think (realize?) that this is only making sense/entertaining to me. off to my death walk. (i assume i’ll pass out or spin into some deadly trees on my way to the pharmacy, that’s if i even do go, which i probably won’t.)

i’m also pissed off but only when i think about it or it’s brought to my attention. *insert numerous japanese insults/swears*

have you ever looked at something that was so perfect it physically hurt?

never change my site when tired and after missing a pill. everything is too small and i can’t see colours properly.

needless to say, i changed my site. this is the bare minimum of change because i’m far too tired/undrugged to be writing any sort of code. what’s the verdict? yes, no? too sparse? too cold? i have quite a few options left that won’t irritate me to no end with code changes in order to make them tolerable, but this one’s it for now. leave one if you have an opinion. hell, leave one if you don’t.

i’m so far behind in reading the iov boards; i’m dreading it. i keep putting it off because i know i’ll have shitloads to read, including a write-up of an afterparty that i’m looking forward to. i also haven’t had my meds in 3? days, so everything is dizzy and i’m fucking nuts. my dreams are so far beyond crazy right now. to add to it, they’re even more realistic. like i really needed that.

i’m so hungry. i half-dreamed about eating cream of chicken soup with crackers. of course, we don’t have any crackers and they’re the part that seals the deal. so i ordered mr sub. i should probably go wait for that upstairs. oh yeah, so much delicious food.

god i’m dizzy.

holy typo nightmare, batman!

the more time passes, the more i want to be with him. isn’t it supposed to work the opposite way? aren’t i supposed to be seeing the ‘good’ side of things? yeah, i’ve thought that now i’m ‘free’ i can just hit on hot guys and have sex whenever i want. i’m not that kind of person though. even if i was, i’d be working against it and wouldn’t want to do it. of course i’ve thought of all the regular escapes: drugs, sex, alcohol. i won’t deny that while i’m doing those things i’ll forget, but i’m certain i’d only hate myself more after the fact. i don’t know what to do to dull this.

i thought i was done crying. i thought wrong. maybe it’s just a bad week. i’ve also been rationing my meds because my doctor isn’t back until the second. bad timing on my part, but considering i’m planning on stopping altogether, i shouldn’t be feeling like this due to lack of (legal) drugs. then there’s always the hormonal approach. i should probably get that tended to so i actually know what’s going on. i’m sure the answer will be to go on birth control. weight gain is something i don’t need right now, even if it was all in my boobs.

i think what i want most (after being with jeff) is unadulterated certainty in my feelings and decisions. something i can never have.

and now my downloads have stopped working for some unknown god forsaken reason. ah fuck it, i’ll just go cry myself to sleep.

there better be a party or something this weekend, because i desperately need to get drunk. or high, but not a laughy goofy high. i need a real, super happy high. a kind of high that makes you feel actually happy not just masks the pain. i think this is what i did last time i went through a break up. it screwed me over pretty well. i couldn’t handle school and my coping mechanism for the pain. i shouldn’t do it again, but i think i can deal this time. plus, i don’t really see any other way. i can’t stand it anymore. it’s starting to make me angry because i want to be with him so much.

i can’t take this! and why isn’t anyone responding to my emails!? i need money and that ps2. i feel like an addict jonesing for my next fix. i can’t have the drug i need, so i’ll just go for what i can get. except it’s real drugs and not other people in place of the person drug. i can’t do that. well, i can i just don’t want to because that would just really destroy me. as if i’m not completely destroyed already.

i need a vacation. i need to get away. i need jeff back.