why do i never feel like writing when there’s so much going on? then i get behind on everything i want to write about which leads to a post like this as a reminder and just for some sort of update.

had a busy week of photo shoots, parties, shows, drinking and anime. yes, that last one seems a little out of place but i’ll talk more about it in its own post; it’s what it deserves. the weekend would have been perfect if not for one little thing. however, i’m glad i did it anyway because i’m sure it had the exact opposite effect of what happened. i hope i can figure that out later.

now i have to go order factor grants by number of offers. fun.

i’ve had far too much to drink for a weekday night, especially considering i have class tomorrow at noon. however, considering the last six months i’ve had, i’m really not that bad. plus, i’m hoping to be even drunker tomorrow afternoon, so i can’t condemn myself now.

certain people should consider themselves lucky that they’re not online, otherwise they’d be getting an eyeful. okay, well i wouldn’t be mad at them, i’d just be asking a lot of unpleasant questions.

i love that no one responded to my ‘i’m sorry’ post. i guess i must be perfect and have absolutely no flaws whatsoever. that’s a relief. for a while i thought i might have to try to change myself to become a better person.

i’ve seriously been considering going to university. i want to go for the experience and to learn more, but i feel stupid going back for something (most likely psychology or, even less likely, music) that isn’t at all related to what i’ve already spent thousands of dollars on learning. i definitely can’t go this september because i want to get my debts under some sort of control before i get myself into more debt. also, i want to get an internship and try really hard at what i’ve been learning so far and see if this career suits me. it really all depends on what happens in the next six months. i think i’d still like to get a degree in something, but hopefully by the time that comes around my company will pay for it. unfortunately, if i’m at a major record label, that won’t be the case. they’re downsizing constantly like nobody’s business. i should go into publishing or management. management’s a lot of work. i’d have to find a band first and then be dedicated to it. that’s the only way i could handle the workload of being a manager. too bad incubus already has rennie, the best damn manager in the business. i could join that company though. that’d be sweet. *sigh* that’s my new goal. one day . . .

i’m counting down the days until i go to seattle. i don’t know if i’ll be able to afford it, but i really don’t care. i seriously need to spend a good week with tal. that girl is the only thing in my life that’s stable. that’s kind of ironic, but only in the sense of the song, not in the real meaning. sorry, i’m a little bit drunk.

okay, time for gaming and music. the few things keeping me sane during this very, very, very depressing, lonely and sad time in my life.

p.s. :P to you if you don’t think i should be sad. i don’t like you anyway, so i don’t care if you don’t like me. also, i love myspace. it offers so many connections. *sigh*

i think august 2nd is the date that will stick. the incubus concert was canceled in february due to illness. the new date was canceled due to mike getting surgery for his carpel tunnel. can’t have incubus without the guitarist. now, finally, the date is set for august 2nd. unfortunately, that means i only get to see them once this year and never in an intimate setting. the new venue is the molson amphitheatre, which i hate, but kool haus ticket holders get in an hour before the doors are open and get the pit and up to level 200.

what i hate most about the molson amphitheatre is that i have no idea where the buses are. does anyone know? can the public access it? i’m fairly certain i can’t just walk up to the area and wait for them to come out of the venue. i’m going to have to really work my ass off to get invited to the after show party. that’s if they’re even having after show parties for this leg of the tour. *sigh* regardless, august 2nd will be the best day of the year for me. i’ll have waited to see incubus for six months from the first date. it’ll be almost three years since i’ve seen them in concert. i’m going to try for a new york show too. i might as well. that’ll be my sixth time. the ultra lucky one. they haven’t got back to me about the vip thing yet. i should email them again.

i’m so happy that i have next week off. i’m supposed to be studying for my styles and genres exam right now, but i can’t focus. my final exam is on saturday. it’s contract law. oy, that’ll be a doozy to study for tomorrow. i should go to a study group, but i don’t feel like being social and studious at the same time right now. i’ll feel so good 3pm on saturday. then the week i’ll never remember shall begin.

i keep saying i’ll be drunk for this whole week, but i should start making plans now if i want to see it happen. i’ll talk to people tomorrow and see if they want to go to bodyenglish saturday night. oh, but i hate clubs. i really do. plus, saturday there looks like crap. 23+ men? no thanks. top 40 retro? i think only i would truly enjoy that. then there’s the problem. this is why i need to move.

i have places to call back for interviews. i’ll do that tomorrow right after my exam. i want a job, but i don’t know how well working downtown will work. i also hate going all the way downtown for an interview that lasts twenty minutes at the very most and then i don’t get the job. so frustrating! i still don’t know my schedule for third term. we’ll be starting before i find out.

i don’t want to study. i can’t focus on anything else right now. i feel like talking to someone. i hate what i’ve let my life become.

as soon as i have enough money, i’m going to change my hair dramatically. i’m going to go to a fancy salon and tell the hairdresser to do whatever they think would look best on me. the one condition is it has to be something i’ve never done before. i always have these phases of wanting to change my appearance, but i believe i really need it now.

i need to sing or write or some sort of release. i still haven’t gotten incredibly and stupidly drunk. i haven’t had the money. also, for some reason i just can’t get drunk with the asian crew. i suppose it’s because they have a few drinks and they’re already drunk, so i’d have to keep drinking by myself to get sloshed. maybe i’ll go all out on 420. i know there’ll be at least one day with kathy where we’ll get depressingly drunk.

i plan on not remembering the first week of may. i don’t care how or who with but i will be drunk/intoxicated for at least four of the seven nights of that week. i guess i have that to look forward to. also, my birthday week should be fantastic. being with tal will brighten my spirits, but being in seattle will change me. that’s if i can remember any of it, which i should since the poor girl is supposed to be working (and she will be *shakes fist*) not partying with me.

it’s funny, i get whole periods of days where i really don’t care anymore; it’s just another event in my life that happened and passed and it doesn’t mean anything to me now. and then i’ll get days like these where i’m on the verge of tears from seeing a picture of him taken so long ago. i was even thinking about the problems today and how they’re unfixable: that’s just the way he is and i either have to accept it, or find someone else who isn’t like that. yet, i still want him back. maybe it’s because i refuse to believe that there’s anything better for me. i deserve to feel uncertain and neglected because i hate myself and that’s the best i can do. let’s be honest, the blame isn’t on him. i expected a lot without actually voicing what i wanted. but there’s still this part of me that screams to be given a second chance. i want to do it right. do it the way i always wanted to, but never did for some unknown reason. do it as the non-screwed up whitney.

the entire time i didn’t know (and still don’t know) whether it was my problem, his problem or a combination of the two. when we got it right, it was so right. i guess now is the time when i find out what went wrong. there are so many variables, i still think it’s impossible to know.

i always wanted more. more time, more attention, more everything. it made sense to me that given his situation and feelings toward certain people during certain times, he’d rather be with me than them. but that wasn’t the case. he chose them, so of course that led me to be confused and hurt on numerous occasions. since we never talked to each other on the phone, i thought he’d want to talk to me every time he came online. i wanted to talk to him. okay, so that one was more me, but for the last three years, i’ve barely talked to him first. why would i change now? the way i saw it was if i talked to him first i could be bugging him, so i’d just wait until he had time/wanted to talk to me. yeah, i know it’s stupid, but i hate myself remember? so i think why waste someone’s time. i’ll let them come to me. i know, i know i should’ve given in for that one and it was dumb, but there are so many other things that i changed or gave up too. i think that was one of the main problems. we both felt like we’d given so much and the other one didn’t appreciate it or know about it. but how were we supposed to appreciate it when we didn’t say what we were sacrificing? relationships are simple; people are complicated.

my doctor upped my medication again. she didn’t want me to relapse. she also gave me some information for a therapist. not so much for advice, just for someone to listen and agree. kind of like this, but an actual person that responds immediately. we’ll see how that goes later.

i’d proof read this, but i know i’d end up deleting half of it. there are some final statements i want to make though. i don’t blame him for what happened. i don’t blame me either. we both did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do things we should have. even after all the analyzing and realization of major problems, i still want to be with him. he’s an amazing person, i still love him and i learned that relationships are never, ever perfect, even in the beginning. they take so much work, but it only does anything if you show it.

the more time passes, the more i want to be with him. isn’t it supposed to work the opposite way? aren’t i supposed to be seeing the ‘good’ side of things? yeah, i’ve thought that now i’m ‘free’ i can just hit on hot guys and have sex whenever i want. i’m not that kind of person though. even if i was, i’d be working against it and wouldn’t want to do it. of course i’ve thought of all the regular escapes: drugs, sex, alcohol. i won’t deny that while i’m doing those things i’ll forget, but i’m certain i’d only hate myself more after the fact. i don’t know what to do to dull this.

i thought i was done crying. i thought wrong. maybe it’s just a bad week. i’ve also been rationing my meds because my doctor isn’t back until the second. bad timing on my part, but considering i’m planning on stopping altogether, i shouldn’t be feeling like this due to lack of (legal) drugs. then there’s always the hormonal approach. i should probably get that tended to so i actually know what’s going on. i’m sure the answer will be to go on birth control. weight gain is something i don’t need right now, even if it was all in my boobs.

i think what i want most (after being with jeff) is unadulterated certainty in my feelings and decisions. something i can never have.

and now my downloads have stopped working for some unknown god forsaken reason. ah fuck it, i’ll just go cry myself to sleep.

i think this will be the first new year’s eve i’ve spent alone since the 1999-2000 switch. and boy howdy do i deserve it. i think i’ll get drunk with my incubus dvd, like i did that one time. it was fun. am i a sad individual? you bet.

“if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. if you never get hurt, you always have fun. and if you ever get lonely, you just go to the record store and visit your friends.” i should live by those words. i kind of do.

there’s too much good music out there. too much good indie music that no one’s heard of and don’t have available on a torrent. i want the agent sparks album, but it’s like it doesn’t exist. i’ve been trying to download feist for the past few days with no luck. and these are the famous examples. i could do with less mars volta though. i’m all for concept albums, but that doesn’t mean the whole album has to be in the same key and essentially the same song broken into thirteen tracks. i guess i prefer rock operas to concept albums, even though they’re too similar for me to be able to tell the difference.

as you may or may not have noticed, i’ve been listening to more mellow stuff. that, and incubus. always incubus. i’ve been enjoying instrumental, atmospheric, folksy, trancey stuff. it’s good to just sit and mull with happy melodies dancing in the background.

on a completely different note, my vocabulary has gone down considerably. a year ago i was using words like sagacious. i had to look it up when i read it now. i didn’t know i even knew that word. oh well. i’ll probably learn a new word that’ll push that one out of my head.

update - i might just sleep through the whole midnight thing. i’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep my eyes open. i wish i could get depressingly drunk, but i don’t think i have the energy to do it. if i had red wine i could, but i don’t.