so that didn’t go very well. i’m aiming for two pounds a week and i really need to do it because i have a wedding to go to in september. it wasn’t an entire loss as i have lost some inches, just not enough to really make  a difference.  i have to work on getting my sleep schedule fixed because that messes with my plans on what and when i’m doing things. i wouldn’t mind how i looked/weighed if i could just fit into my regular pants. i refuse to buy anymore because i just like what i have too much. it’s pretty frustrating.

my last goal’s timeline was a tad unrealistic. my new goal: 115 by july 9th or fit into my pants/white shorts by then. weight’s not as important as size. off to shower.

i’m writing this here so i have to see it and be reminded a lot. my goal is to fit into my lace purple dress for my birthday. no exceptions, that’s just what i’m aiming for. if i don’t quite get there in time (it’s only three weeks. oy) it’ll be ok as long as i’m close. i guess a secondary goal will be my fat jeans being too big for me.

so i decided to try-out for the argos cheerleading squad. i don’t expect to make it, but there’s no harm in trying. plus it’ll give me extra motivation to lose weight. i’ve let myself go in the past six months. something needs to be done and fast. it’ll be a fun two weeks trying to tone and limber myself. then i’ll get back into modelling hopefully.

at the moment, i’m going to stop procrastinating and add things to my resume so i can have a decent shot at becoming a talent scout. here goes. i hate it when i get excited about things before they even happen.

my goal for the summer: to look super hot in this

ugh, lot of hard work ahead. i think it’ll be worth it.

p.s. i mean the bikini, not sports illustrated magazine, just in case you were confused. hah.

how did it get to be 4 in the morning? i need to drink more. oh yeah, all those calories. i need to do something more.

i was so sad today. my dreams keep reminding me of everything. it hurts a lot. it’s numbingly painful. there’s nothing i can do. and i hate the thought of certain people knowing. blah.

i miss things i’ve never had. am i crazy? yes.

i think i’ll medicate myself with exercise. its purpose will be two-fold; get me in shape for may/summer and release endorphins/give me something to do. it’s not the exercise i hate, it’s all the maintenance that comes with it. i have to shower and do my hair and make-up afterwards. that’s too much work by itself, let alone after i’ve been running for an hour. i guess i don’t really have to do my hair or make-up, i just hate thinking that i look like crap. i can’t escape the memories. i just remembered a surprisingly sweet sentiment about how i looked after working out and without make-up on. stupid brain! why must you connect things all the time?! i can’t even forget in my dreams. i’ll forever be tormented by the pain i caused.

that’s enough of my melodrama for tonight. i’m going to try to sleep and probably have bittersweet dreams.

p.s. esthero is amazing. i love her.

p.p.s. my new url has thrown off quite a few people. i’m half amused by it.