when you cry at video game fmvs. granted, it was supposed to be a moving scene and due to the particular nature of it (romantic, mushy, ‘i’ll be with you forever’) it’s not really surprising that i did, and it wasn’t so much crying as it was single tears, but i still hate it. i’ll blame pms, too. it seems to fit.

i finally get everything all set with this and what happens? an updated version of wordpress is released. this was one of the cons that i thought about when having it installed for me; i thought that if i had the experience, at least i’d kind of know what to do later. now, i don’t. oh well. i’ll fix it some time this weekend if i decide to not have fun.

i’ve been completely preoccupied with final fantasy x with a mix of devil may cry and guitar hero I and II. i already have more than twenty games due to my extremely super amazing ebay buying skills. all of my games were $10-$15 including shipping. that’s way better than anywhere else, used or not, and it was delivered right to my door. i’ll be having fun with my ps2 or i’ll be going out to drink. either/or i doubt i’ll have time for this site. lousy security update. *shakes fist*

it’s a bad combination. it leads to rumination. i sent out more emails for interviews though, so it’s not all bad.

tomorrow is driving and something else. i can’t stand to stay in again. i’m going to have to force myself onto someone else’s plans.

i wish i was tired.

i’ve gotten into the habit of window shopping on ebay. the hope of purchasing something new keeps me happy. wow, i’m so pathetic and riddled with problems. to be fair, i haven’t really bought anything for myself in a long time. i really wanted to wait until i had a job, but there’s this amazing ps2 package on ebay right now. i know it’s going to rocket up to at least $400 and i should buy the decent priced one that ends first, but i want it so badly. it has so many things in it that i want. there’s also a number of tablet pcs that are for sale that i want too. if only i’d gotten the job at yuk yuk’s. stupid place. they didn’t even let me know i wasn’t hired. i even sent her a thank you for the interview and she didn’t even respond to that. how unprofessional.

i guess i’ll go back to being more bored. i’m thirsty. it’s also unusually warm down here. i don’t like it. i still need to talk, but i haven’t felt like it and i don’t know if i ever will. it’ll be like talking to a wall with attitude. fun. *waves flags*

it’s killing me to be alone right now, but i don’t want just anyone’s company. i only want to be with him. i feel so anxious right now. i kind of want to play ffviii, but it also makes me terribly lonely. i just want my jeff back. i have never felt like this before. i’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. i’m dying a tiny piece at a time. i want to be in windsor, right now!

i wonder if i want him back so badly just because i can’t have him. or just so no one else can have him. i hate thoughts like that because i don’t know if they’re just passing truths or key motives. it’s only been a week since the shit really hit the fan, so i don’t know why i keep expecting things to be fine. i guess it’s because i kind of already went through this three months ago. i thought i had prepared myself. i was eager and willing to accept the changes that seemed inevitable. then i found out what was going on and it wasn’t right. it wasn’t right or fair to end it like that. with that being the main reason and catalyst of our demise. and for it to be delivered in such a way by her of all people. there are only two others who would’ve made me madder.

i always imagined our relationship fizzling out; both of us realizing that we’d become friends more than anything else. i don’t think i’d ever leave though. i’m just that way. i’m greedy and have multiple sides, so i’ll always love what i have but want more as well. i don’t want to give up anything. i don’t stop loving. i’m sure it changes, but probably only after i’ve loved someone else. i can’t really be certain since i’ve only loved two people. at least i thought i loved the other person at the time.

i don’t like being single. it’s very lonely. i don’t like this whole situation. i hate being so unsure of everything. stupid transitional periods. i need video games to distract me. who wants to buy me a ps2 and/or a wii? that will temporarily get me through this phase. that’s my thinking anyway. i’ve been craving a new system for a while. not just new games, but other games.

i need a job. a job where it’s not really like working. i could do boring office work, retail job with no customers or bartending. those are my ideal jobs at the moment. the fewer hours the better, because i really just need the money to get me by.

i’m going to end up being anorexic or something by the end of this whole fiasco. it drives me insane not being allowed to be his. that lack of control over things is maddening. the fact that there’s nothing i can do at all to change things is infuriating. this is why i have to make up a future scenario. i shouldn’t, especially considering what i’ve made it up to be, but it helps me deal with this lack of options. it gives me something to do. i’m scared to think what will happen when he finds someone new. i will have absolutely nothing left.

this entry may seem kind of psycho. i like to think i’m just being bitterly honest. meh. why should i care? i do need help, i just can’t afford it.

i sometimes hate how realistic my dreams are. there have been quite a few times where i’ve screwed myself with school work because i dreamed i did it, but, obviously, i didn’t in real life.

my dreams are like drunken memories. i can remember them, i’m just not sure what context they’re in. i can remember talking about a fall out boy album, but i’m not sure if i did while i was drunk (probable) or if it was just a dream. i also had a bunch of dreams involving the wii last night since i spent all night playing it. if i didn’t know they were dreams, i would think they could be memories. oh, i also wasn’t drinking, so there’s no chance they’re drunken memories either, otherwise i might not be so sure if i fine-tuned my mii or not.

also, i think a lot. too much, probably. so a lot of times i think i’ve said something but i’ve only thought it. so then those thoughts get all jumbled up into the drunken memories and dreams section of my brain. it can be quite confusing being me. maybe i could fix it slightly by just saying everything i think. however, i desperately need that censor, more than i’d like to think.

about the wii: it’s fun, but not without its flaws. while the controls are simple enough, they’re not as intuitive as i’d hoped. i didn’t get a chance to try twilight princess (the only reason the thought of purchasing a wii maybe crossed my mind) but i suspect that might be a little more frustrating at points. i’ll wait until it reaches ps2 status and then buy it. not only because i’m broke-ass poor at the moment, but also because all the bugs will be fixed and i’m sure it will be much better by that time. a good thing: my arms are a little sore. this is probably due to boxing more than any of the other games, but i’m sure they also contributed.

i’m going to write a review for my chemical romance’s “the black parade”. it’s a really awesome album. i haven’t written it yet because i’ve been too ‘busy’ playing final fantasy ix. so far, it’s been better than i thought it would be. it’s not as serious as any of the others, and i find the character design annoying, but it’s entertaining enough.

next weekend, jeff’s back in the city to play against u of t. it should be a good weekend.