i desperately need a haircut but i’m reluctant to spend any money. i need it for medication and to pay people back. maybe i’ll just go downtown tomorrow and do it. i was supposed to dye it blonde, but i really don’t have the money for that. plus i decided that i’ll do it in the summer; that makes more sense. i do want to have my hair prettified for saturday though.

random aside: i want to be in a band like paramore. i could totally be that chick. or garbage. guys who are in bands that are looking for lead singers are never looking for chicks. they want to keep it as homosexual as possible and make sure that every band practice is a sausage-fest. most of them aren’t good anyway, but it’s good practice for me.

i’ve been confused as of late. if you want details, just combine some other people’s blogs and you’ve got my problem. it’s almost funny how similar our problems seem to be; at least they’re centred around the same topic. *sigh*

tomorrow: haircut it is.

tomorrow after class i am going to get my hair cut and styled and then on a downtown shopping spree. i intend to pick up some hot pieces from american apparel. i should probably pre-shop online right now to verify the exact styles i want. then i have less than twenty-four hours until my moment of destiny.

my plan would’ve been flawless at the kool haus because there’s one entrance for everyone; no underground secret areas etc. i have no idea where the backstage entrance at the molson amphitheatre is. i suppose i’ll find out when i go for my meet & greet before the show. hmm, maybe this will work after all. i guess i just have to try for the after party passes while at the meet & greet. should i try myspace again as a precursor? or will that seem weird and annoying? he doesn’t have to read it i guess. might as well. but will it make him want to invite or avoid? such a fine line and one way could destroy all chances or start every thing! bah.

as soon as i have enough money, i’m going to change my hair dramatically. i’m going to go to a fancy salon and tell the hairdresser to do whatever they think would look best on me. the one condition is it has to be something i’ve never done before. i always have these phases of wanting to change my appearance, but i believe i really need it now.

i need to sing or write or some sort of release. i still haven’t gotten incredibly and stupidly drunk. i haven’t had the money. also, for some reason i just can’t get drunk with the asian crew. i suppose it’s because they have a few drinks and they’re already drunk, so i’d have to keep drinking by myself to get sloshed. maybe i’ll go all out on 420. i know there’ll be at least one day with kathy where we’ll get depressingly drunk.

i plan on not remembering the first week of may. i don’t care how or who with but i will be drunk/intoxicated for at least four of the seven nights of that week. i guess i have that to look forward to. also, my birthday week should be fantastic. being with tal will brighten my spirits, but being in seattle will change me. that’s if i can remember any of it, which i should since the poor girl is supposed to be working (and she will be *shakes fist*) not partying with me.

it’s funny, i get whole periods of days where i really don’t care anymore; it’s just another event in my life that happened and passed and it doesn’t mean anything to me now. and then i’ll get days like these where i’m on the verge of tears from seeing a picture of him taken so long ago. i was even thinking about the problems today and how they’re unfixable: that’s just the way he is and i either have to accept it, or find someone else who isn’t like that. yet, i still want him back. maybe it’s because i refuse to believe that there’s anything better for me. i deserve to feel uncertain and neglected because i hate myself and that’s the best i can do. let’s be honest, the blame isn’t on him. i expected a lot without actually voicing what i wanted. but there’s still this part of me that screams to be given a second chance. i want to do it right. do it the way i always wanted to, but never did for some unknown reason. do it as the non-screwed up whitney.

the entire time i didn’t know (and still don’t know) whether it was my problem, his problem or a combination of the two. when we got it right, it was so right. i guess now is the time when i find out what went wrong. there are so many variables, i still think it’s impossible to know.

i always wanted more. more time, more attention, more everything. it made sense to me that given his situation and feelings toward certain people during certain times, he’d rather be with me than them. but that wasn’t the case. he chose them, so of course that led me to be confused and hurt on numerous occasions. since we never talked to each other on the phone, i thought he’d want to talk to me every time he came online. i wanted to talk to him. okay, so that one was more me, but for the last three years, i’ve barely talked to him first. why would i change now? the way i saw it was if i talked to him first i could be bugging him, so i’d just wait until he had time/wanted to talk to me. yeah, i know it’s stupid, but i hate myself remember? so i think why waste someone’s time. i’ll let them come to me. i know, i know i should’ve given in for that one and it was dumb, but there are so many other things that i changed or gave up too. i think that was one of the main problems. we both felt like we’d given so much and the other one didn’t appreciate it or know about it. but how were we supposed to appreciate it when we didn’t say what we were sacrificing? relationships are simple; people are complicated.

my doctor upped my medication again. she didn’t want me to relapse. she also gave me some information for a therapist. not so much for advice, just for someone to listen and agree. kind of like this, but an actual person that responds immediately. we’ll see how that goes later.

i’d proof read this, but i know i’d end up deleting half of it. there are some final statements i want to make though. i don’t blame him for what happened. i don’t blame me either. we both did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do things we should have. even after all the analyzing and realization of major problems, i still want to be with him. he’s an amazing person, i still love him and i learned that relationships are never, ever perfect, even in the beginning. they take so much work, but it only does anything if you show it.

new hair pictures taken and uploaded tomorrow? as i see it, yes.
second batch on saturday? outlook good.
all for a stupid reason that probably won’t lead to anything? most likely.
still a small part that hopes i’m wrong? signs point to yes.

so i finally went and got my hair done. it’s now much darker and doesn’t look like shit and is only one colour. it’s a bit dark for my taste, but it does make me look thinner, so that’s a plus. i got quite a lot cut off, but i still maintained quite a bit of length, which i’m happy about. i’ll probably post a picture or two tomorrow when i don’t look like ass.

there are only nine more days until the best day of my life. i sure hope it isn’t cold. or maybe it will be really cold and then they’ll feel sorry for me, so they’ll let me in the venue and just hang out. that would be awesome. you’d have no idea how many times crazy thoughts like those have come true. more times than you’d think to be fair.

random: because i love them so much right now i uploaded this song because i love it and i have to share agent sparks love. it also features mike einziger and sam farrar. it was done for the a santa cause 2: it’s a punk rock christmas album. if you listen to nothing else by them, at least listen to this.

i wish going lighter didn’t take so much maintenance. i also wish it didn’t do so much damage. i didn’t have a single split-end until i went blonde. that’s damn good considering i’ve been dying my hair since age 12? come to think of it, this is probably the longest i’ve gone without colouring my hair in any way. even then, that length of time is still less than a year. i think i look better with lighter hair. maybe it’s just because it was the style i had for the shortest time. *sigh* i’ll stick with au naturel for now. at least until i’ve cut all the damage out and i’m at the length i want.