obliviously obvious

i got the internship. my only concern is that it takes about two hours to get there by public transportation. even if i could drive, i don’t have a car that i could use to go all that way. i’m still thrilled that i got it though.

i’m also the permanent bartender at yuk yuk’s now. it’s more work than i thought. i was kind of spoiled at sin city because i didn’t have to do any of the prep work or back room inventory. now i do, so i have to make that adjustment. i make more per hour than club bartenders, but i get far fewer tips. i say this like i’ve worked here longer than two nights. my first night was stressful. i didn’t know i was going to be actually working not just shadowing and it was unbelievably busy. we’ll see how things go from now on.

i was going to have my birthday party this friday and i guess i still could, but i wouldn’t be at the club until 1 am because i have to work. my plan was to order a keg and reserve a room etc. but it seems excessive if i can’t even enjoy it in its entirety. meh, maybe later in the summer just for kicks.

today was so great! i’m glad too because yesterday was so crap. i’m still not out of that mess yet, but today more than makes up for it.

the interview for the internship at wind-up records was great after a shaky start. even if they don’t choose me now, they said they definitely want to have me in for the next time internships start. they had 350 applicants but they only asked eight for an interview. quite frankly, i was floored when they told me that, but proud and happy. i’ll write more about this later.

i just got back from my interview at yuk yuk’s and i start shadowing tomorrow at 8pm.  as much as i was hoping for it, i didn’t think i’d be starting this soon. i’m still in a tester position, but i think it’ll work out.

i have long tales to regale you with about both experiences, but i’m still too caught up in this moment of success to write about it.

i think i might be there. it could just be because i’ve been up for i-don’t-know-how-many hours, or because i’m surprisingly focused(a good thing) on this presentation i have to finish, but i can’t seem to get as sad about it right now. i still have this weird pain in my stomach, like an emptiness or i’ve been winded, but when i think about the past it kind of makes me happy in a wistful way. i’m still sad and it still hurts but he’s still in my life and i’m more than grateful for that.

it was special, wonderful, beautiful, amazing and the happiest time of my (somewhat short) life. i probably shouldn’t be writing so much in this euphoric state. as soon as i come crashing down from my lack of sleep and food, i’ll be depressed and aching even more. ah, what the heck. i think a lot of what hurts is missing him. just the simple feeling of wanting him in my life. also, a deep longing for things to straighten out and be less complicated. i don’t want to feel anxious about being by myself and i shouldn’t. i can’t help him any more by being his lover than when i’m not. things just have to be and they’re awful, but i hope i can still bring a small amount of happiness into his life.

i guess i’m realizing it’s over, i’m incredibly happy that it happened and i’m starting to see that the future won’t be a desolate wasteland of misery. i’m not moving on, i’m just not staying still.

thirty-one my dear. oy, am i really ten years younger than that? twenty-one. it’s still so weird.

i plan on sleeping a lot tonight and hopefully having pleasant dreams *fingers crossed*. do you hear that brain? dream good things. and would it kill you to try a little harder to fall asleep?

on another note, i know it doesn’t really mean anything, but the gift brightened my day. i’m still waiting and hoping. i’m also trying my hardest to figure out stuff on my end. i’m fairly certain i know what i want (i know), but should i do the opposite anyway for the sake of everyone? or maybe i’ve already done it and i’m waiting for the come back? i guess only time will tell.

just so i never forget: married, happy, love, going back in time and fixing things, shopping, trimming eastern tree, house with his parents. that’s all i can remember now. i’m sure i’ll remember later.

i didn’t really lie. it was my imaginary eight ball’s fault. i’d post pictures up right now if i had batteries for my camera, but i don’t. definitely tomorrow though.

had an absolute blast tonight at the kingdom, again with my l.a. lover. she and i just click on so many things. it’s great when everyone around you thinks you’re drunk, but you’re really just having an awesome time. i’m still slightly deaf.

sent some stupid messages and some thoughtful messages to people. they didn’t reply to them, but they were read, which is more than i can say for most people.

the incubus shows tonight and tomorrow were canceled due to b’s throat infection and general sickness of the band. my show’s still up in the air, but i’d rather have them in full health able to enjoy themselves than sick and barely pulling through. i think my plan is going to go over quite well.

now, to sleep or watch a terrible movie? terrible movie it is. i’m going to get sick at this rate.