i was exhausted on the way home so much so that i was falling asleep. i get home and my parents have decided to rifle through my purse and then bitch at me for spending money that i can absolutely spend. now i’m too fucking pissed off to sleep. fucking bastards. they better not sleep either. i’m going to go upstairs right now and make sure they don’t. fuckers.

i know you’ve been pretty good to me this year, getting me into the incubus after party and all, but i’d really appreciate it if you could see your way into making that not happen. it’s not overly important, but it would make up for losing my job. it also would help me know that i don’t suck and verify my assumptions of other suckage. it would just seem rather unfair considering my talent, background and knowledge compared to what’s being offered. if you can’t make it completely inaccessible, at least put up a few challenging roadblocks that will eventually lead to failure.

thanks!

- whitney

p.s. if i decide to take the same road again later in life, can you make things go better? i’ll try this time, scout’s honour.

i messed things up again. i hate this feeling. and i hate that he goes to her. she’s not a good friend. a good friend wouldn’t have done what she did. i’m probably just jealous. i just want to move far away and start fresh with a clean slate. go somewhere and start something where if i mess up, it doesn’t matter and i can just leave without any major consequences.

right now i just want to shut off my brain and forget everything. i really need to start therapy. i’m not getting better, which became blatantly clear last night. i also think it has to do with going from everything to nothing with no support system for the interim.  no communication, no closure, nothing.

my mom wants to take me for my blood tests tomorrow. i’m fairly certain i’ll pass out. just the thought of feeling blood leave me makes me woozy and i have to lie down.

hopefully i’ll have a good time tomorrow. industry party at the drake, although i think the location’s been changed. i’m not sure if i dreamed it or if i was told when i was drunk. i hate that. so many times. the best part is i can’t very well say ’sorry, i dreamed that i sent you the assignment, that’s why you never got it.’ who’s going to believe that? they really are that vivid. a blessing and a curse; latter in more recent times than i care for.

the point is, i hate what i did and that i always get like that. it causes nothing but guilt and anxiety for myself. more than that, i hate that it hurts other people too. boo. sucks to me.

provided by the one and only maddox.  this is exactly how i felt about it from the beginning. it’s just an overpriced toy for adults. it’s also how i’ve felt about the ipod which is why i don’t have one. simply ridiculous.

stupid domain. this is frustrating me. it should work by now. i have no patience. i want things to happen immediately and swiftly. stupid internet. catch up, damn it!

i’ll do the real post tomorrow, including all the good details that i’ve been clinging to for happiness. not completely. i’m having an angry vs sad moment, so i don’t give a damn about certain things. there’ll be some awfully interesting conversations later. i might even go so far as to call. what the hell, break tradition. things just aren’t settled like they should be, and it’s not all my fault damn it! boo! grr, i’m so mad. no, i’m frustrated and feel unjustified.

i desperately need to move far, far away and just start fresh. keep in contact with the few ‘real’ friends and never see the others again. thats sounds so refreshing and it would be a huge relief. i’d also be rid of constant reminders of certain somebodies and others who cause anger/hatred. i want to drop the life i’ve lived, pick up somewhere else and find my true self along the way.

unfortunately, it won’t be happening any time soon. thanks to my semi-addiction to the internet, part of my problem is my doing. argh! so indecisive always. nothing pleases me completely. i want both and all of the above.

i laugh at people that assume things. then i never talk to them again unless i want something. they’re so dumb and i hate them, but it’s hilarious. one of these days i’m just going to say what everyone thinks. i can do it now since it would have absolutely no repercussions. i’ll save it for when i move. it shall be my house warming gift to myself. a few well worded letters and a face to face confrontation will do nicely. maybe i’ll even get to see tears or get a bitchslap in. one can only wait and dream until that day . . . sometimes, i really love me.