obliviously obvious

everything. but as if to answer my question and laugh in my face about it, life has decided to make my audio drivers stop working. well, that was weird. now they’re fine.

is it possible that i’m only just beginning to go through the anger stage now? no, i’d wager it’s wonderful pms. this is the same feeling i’d get when i was still with the guy. how can he still have this kind of control? this is not cool.

fuck benny goodman. learning about dead people is not going to help me promote a band. sorry if this is too random, i haven’t exactly been in a linear head space as of late.

i spent my weekend trying to control my endless sobbing. every single thing made me cry. i watched ‘my best friend’s wedding’ and i cried at everything. i watched ’shallow hal’ and i cried at that too. yeah, see? totally crazy! then i listened to imogen heap songs on repeat. they made me cry. i saw some pictures that made me cry. even watching something that i’m not going to name made me cry. it’s not usually the type of media that makes one cry, but i did.

at the moment, i think i’m all cried out. i’m definitely in more of a pissed off mood. only talk to me while drunk eh? well fuck you. my dreams don’t help. they only enhance my fears and make me live scenarios in which i’m livid. i also have to do a stupid project that is so frustratingly boring! i don’t care one bit. i cannot wait for the break at the end of april. i need that week off so badly.

i’m kind of liking this whole anger thing. it helps me not want him. it reminds me of all the things that drove me nuts when we were together. i’m almost back to how i felt when i was on the fence about breaking it off. all the sappy, romantic, loving, good memories mean shit to me right now. wow, i am seriously messed. not twelve hours ago i was barely able to stop myself from crying at just the thought of jeff. now i feel nothing.

okay, i’m going to sleep and i’ll probably have some heart wrenching dream that’ll make me desperate to be with him again. oy.

update – now i know what’s wrong. but i don’t want to say it because then that would only validate it and make it worse. i hate emotions.

it’s killing me to be alone right now, but i don’t want just anyone’s company. i only want to be with him. i feel so anxious right now. i kind of want to play ffviii, but it also makes me terribly lonely. i just want my jeff back. i have never felt like this before. i’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. i’m dying a tiny piece at a time. i want to be in windsor, right now!

i wonder if i want him back so badly just because i can’t have him. or just so no one else can have him. i hate thoughts like that because i don’t know if they’re just passing truths or key motives. it’s only been a week since the shit really hit the fan, so i don’t know why i keep expecting things to be fine. i guess it’s because i kind of already went through this three months ago. i thought i had prepared myself. i was eager and willing to accept the changes that seemed inevitable. then i found out what was going on and it wasn’t right. it wasn’t right or fair to end it like that. with that being the main reason and catalyst of our demise. and for it to be delivered in such a way by her of all people. there are only two others who would’ve made me madder.

i always imagined our relationship fizzling out; both of us realizing that we’d become friends more than anything else. i don’t think i’d ever leave though. i’m just that way. i’m greedy and have multiple sides, so i’ll always love what i have but want more as well. i don’t want to give up anything. i don’t stop loving. i’m sure it changes, but probably only after i’ve loved someone else. i can’t really be certain since i’ve only loved two people. at least i thought i loved the other person at the time.

i don’t like being single. it’s very lonely. i don’t like this whole situation. i hate being so unsure of everything. stupid transitional periods. i need video games to distract me. who wants to buy me a ps2 and/or a wii? that will temporarily get me through this phase. that’s my thinking anyway. i’ve been craving a new system for a while. not just new games, but other games.

i need a job. a job where it’s not really like working. i could do boring office work, retail job with no customers or bartending. those are my ideal jobs at the moment. the fewer hours the better, because i really just need the money to get me by.

i’m going to end up being anorexic or something by the end of this whole fiasco. it drives me insane not being allowed to be his. that lack of control over things is maddening. the fact that there’s nothing i can do at all to change things is infuriating. this is why i have to make up a future scenario. i shouldn’t, especially considering what i’ve made it up to be, but it helps me deal with this lack of options. it gives me something to do. i’m scared to think what will happen when he finds someone new. i will have absolutely nothing left.

this entry may seem kind of psycho. i like to think i’m just being bitterly honest. meh. why should i care? i do need help, i just can’t afford it.

i can see it happening and i feel sick. i will bet myself $5 that it will happen in the next three-four months. how is it happening so soon? boo. i don’t want to be done fighting yet. i’m so against this, but at the same time i should just let go. i hate this. i wish it wasn’t my fault. i wish it had ended happily. is there such a thing? i don’t think so.

i don’t want to be here anymore and i have 6+ hours. i was supposed to go to a leafs game tonight, but i’m giving it up for work. it better last for at least a half hour otherwise i’ll be pretty pissed. maybe it’s just the lack of sleep.

another thing, i don’t have internet at home right now. also, i didn’t bring my power cord to school because i thought i was going home at 11:30, but i’m not so now my battery will run out in about an hour and a half.

i’m too tired to not have something to entertain me. i’m too tired to care, but the tiredness makes me care more.

everyone always says remember the happy moments. be glad that you experienced love and happiness with the person. blah blah blah. well, whenever i do it hurts even more because i remember what i gave up. every wonderful, sweet memory stings like a slap in the face. maybe even more so because i’d convinced myself that we’d get through this and rebound being happier and stronger than ever.

i still haven’t fully processed it yet. every thought, every action, every thing is based on or directly connected to the past three and a half years. the music i listen to, the items in my room, my jewelry, my clothes, the games i play, the things i say. every single thing.

most of all, i miss him. i want to talk to him so badly but i no longer hold that spot. i no longer take any precedence in his life, yet he still means so much to me. i wish i could just shut it all out. it hurts more that i think he’s dealing with it better than me. that’s not fair, but i know he hasn’t spent days crying about it. and now to be fair: he deals with things differently. i think about things constantly; he doesn’t. i can’t focus on anything.

sometimes i don’t even know exactly why i’m crying. it’s like the pain is so deep, i can’t locate the source. he made me a tiger out of a coffee cup for god’s sake! how could i do what i did to someone who does that? it hurts me to know that i’ve become one of the many people to let him down. i can never be in that good place again. it also hurts to know that i’m entirely to blame for this. it’s all my fault. yes, we were semi-drifting apart beforehand, but that was fixable. a happy ending was in sight before i permanently ruined it. and even if it wasn’t, that route of eventually finding out we can’t do it together is a hell of a lot better than me hurting the most important person to me.

it’s funny how when you can’t change things, all the bad things don’t matter. i’m such a stupid bitch. but this is the way it has to be. fantasy world, here i come. it really is all i have left now.

p.s. if you don’t want to read anything like this, don’t check my site for the next couple months. this is all it’s going to be.

the hatred is overwhelming. i’m actually finding myself disgusted.

this is the first time in a long time when i’ve felt tired enough to just pass out. i’ll test the theory and see the outcome. mm, sleep.