i can see it happening and i feel sick. i will bet myself $5 that it will happen in the next three-four months. how is it happening so soon? boo. i don’t want to be done fighting yet. i’m so against this, but at the same time i should just let go. i hate this. i wish it wasn’t my fault. i wish it had ended happily. is there such a thing? i don’t think so.

i don’t want to be here anymore and i have 6+ hours. i was supposed to go to a leafs game tonight, but i’m giving it up for work. it better last for at least a half hour otherwise i’ll be pretty pissed. maybe it’s just the lack of sleep.

another thing, i don’t have internet at home right now. also, i didn’t bring my power cord to school because i thought i was going home at 11:30, but i’m not so now my battery will run out in about an hour and a half.

i’m too tired to not have something to entertain me. i’m too tired to care, but the tiredness makes me care more.

i finally had an awesome dream! it was awesome. that one’s definitely a keeper. why am i writing this now? to procrastinate, of course. i still have to start some sort of dream journal. my problem is that i can’t write fast enough to get all the main points down. anyway, off to not be a fat slob.

woo! canada wins the gold! not a bad looking team either.

*the weekend wasn’t really bad. i never found my ring, so it’s really gone for good. i finally got my laptop though, so now i can surf and game at school!

jeff didn’t get to play the first game, but he started the game on saturday and he was great. i don’t think i actually told him that, which is a shame. i have that bad habit of thinking lots of things but not saying them. i got tipsy at the game with my carefully concealed vanilla vodka and coke mix. it made me a tad more . . . expressive than usual. i think i had just the right amount to make me friendly (in a non-sexual way) and talkative but not an idiot. it led me into trying to walk through a very muddy field, but i probably would’ve done it anyway, and it was kind of entertaining so it was worth it.

we then went to ein-stein’s after the game and enjoyed some beer. jeff and i went to burger king and i again was quite talky and said things i might not normally say while entirely sober. of course, i only realize this the day after. hey, at least i remembered everything i said. nothing bad or even embarrassing was said, i was just very open with certain subjects that i usually keep more guarded.

we took transit home and i stayed over at jeff’s. then he brought me breakfast in bed which was very sweet and unexpected. i visited all the people jeff had to see and then i had to say goodbye. this is always hard for me because i never know what to say. i have all these things planned and all the feelings that i have but i just can’t say them. i don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but when these things are at this level it kind of can’t be helped. i wish i would’ve said what i’d been thinking all day, and also what i’d been thinking over the weekend, but i didn’t. i didn’t want to cry and it never feels like the right moment when you have to say something right now or never. never in this case being later, and possibly not in person, therefore not as good.

now, i don’t know if i’m going to wait or if i’m just going to say it anyway. i guess if i say it now, it will still have the same impact in a month or so, and i can still say it again.

anyway, i guess it’s bedtime for me.

*this entry is random and reads as though written by a tipsy me, when in fact it wasn’t.

it’s true, i do. the only important one, and the only one i truly love is jeff. he’s going to be doing so much travelling and hockey stuff. it’s so awesome. i’m so proud of my jeff. i’m absolutely ecstatic. i actually got tears in my eyes when the full impact of it hit me. i’m so happy for him. no one else deserves this more.

in other news, i spent the night drinking with my classmates at one of their houses. it was quite fun. had a few laughs, some interesting conversations. we’ve all been invited to thanksgiving dinner. that would be really fun. we’ve got a good group of people happening. ooh, i got approved for the loan finally. so i’m officially in the school and owing just under . . . well, i won’t say how much, but it’s a lot.

i should probably hit the bed before my alcohol buzz/tiredness wears off. i’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, so i think (read:hope) tonight should be different.