every night i become increasingly short tempered. it’s my fault but i won’t stop what causes it. i wish i had the courage to move on. i wish i had the stability to move on. i continue to be a terrible person with each thought that crosses my mind. maybe i just need to unload it all; speak every last secret, confess all the lies. lose everything and start again. it’s far past time to move and leave the baggage behind.

last night i had a wonderful incubus dream. well, except the part when some guy threatened to kill me. the rest of it was excellent. i love performance dreams. rennie sent my mom an email and i finally got to meet him. we were joking like old friends. b wore a pair of hot boots. he also had a slight australian accent due to their recent tour there; he picked it up because he’s like that. if i have another dream like that tonight i’ll be very happy. to incubus!

i miss incubus. blah. hopefully some good drunken times tomorrow will rectify that. if not i can just call a certain someone and ask for them, but i guess i really shouldn’t since that number was given with the strictest of confidence. blah again.

and another thing: what’s so great about my smile? i hate the way i look when i smile. i don’t understand why everyone says it’s so great. i look so much better not smiling. i shouldn’t be up right now.

a long time ago i wrote how i go through phases of interests. i’ll cycle through anime, music and video games as my main time eater. right now i’m in an anime/manga phase. reading off a computer screen is always annoying but paying $10 a book is more so. where is this leading? nowhere. i just want to listen to my anime music but can’t find anything to do that’s stimulating enough but not distracting. plus, my internet’s unbearably slow due to me downloading a gazillion anime series.

there are so many things i need to do. a lot of them i just think i need to do but they don’t really.

should i go to this concert tomorrow? i haven’t been out of the house in a while. god i’m sad.

i miss things. mexico or not? i really shouldn’t spend the money, but i really want to see incubus again. maybe i should send a message and see if my hunch is correct and then base it on that. at least then i know i’m not wasting money. it’s not a waste if that doesn’t happen, it’s just too expensive for right now.

there’s thanksgiving to ‘look forward to’. i’ll have fun on saturday.

bah. there’s so much i want to do creatively and career-wise etc, yet i never make a step towards any of it. even if i did do what i want to do so badly, i don’t know if i’d make it all the way through or even gain anything from it besides knowledge. i really just want to skip ahead and learn opera. or travel the world. i’m in a sighing mood.

• apply for passport renewal
• get job
• buy concert tickets
• book package deal to mexico
• save money for said trip to mexico
• have best time of life
• pay off debts for many, many years

does anyone know if google ads are worth it? i’ve been thinking about it just because.

i could probably sing all of morning view (ouch it only got 2 1/2 stars from rolling stone. they suck anyway), including all the harmonies and embellishments (even the ones that have only been done a few times in live performances), in my sleep. how’s that for a run-on sentence?

to say he only ever had two lessons, b’s a pretty good singer, technically i mean. he’s only gotten better too. most people get gradually worse, but his technique’s improved. his diction and phrasing has always been above par in the ‘pop’ world. i suppose that comes with being a poet. hehe, he’s a poet. that sounds so funny. he’s really settled into what he can do. he’s only thirty-one. that’s quite a feat. a lot of people can’t be taught that kind of control, let alone grasp it naturally. gee whitney, do you really need to be singing (pun unintended) his praises anymore? we all know he’s perfectly perfect in every way. it would be really bad if he somehow read this one day. it’s not entirely impossible.

it still blows my mind. it seriously feels like some wonderful dream that happened. of course there’s little secrets that i keep which make the night even more special, but i’ll never tell. (more…)

i still haven’t read the iov board. i’m killing myself. i did however have a lengthy *ahem* discussion on the incubus group on facebook. needless to say, i won. of course the other side didn’t think so, but that’s because his head was so far up his ass . . . fill in own comparison here.

i’m having so much incubus withdrawal it’s not funny. luckily there’s news that they may start working on new album material right after the european tour. unfortunately, i still think they won’t be touring for another three to four years. gee, b’ll be thirty-five. i’ll be twenty-five. ugh, how depressing.

i still look at their pictures and can’t believe that night. it’s kind of weird how i feel right now. i’m right on the line between hysterical hope and belief that it was all meant to be and shockingly depressing realism of my inconsequential existence.

i really need to start fueling my creativity again. why do i lack so much initiative? my vocabulary is so poor right now. i can’t remember anything. i couldn’t remember vocabulary for crying out loud. i can practically feel my intelligence/life draining away. i’m meant for so much more than this. i know nothing will happen if i don’t try but trying is so hard. plus, i’ve pretty much gotten what i’ve wanted until now with minimal effort. i suppose i have to start putting in more if i want more. i know all this already, the trouble is in the doing. so often i’ve put in effort and got back minimal improvements in results. bah. on that note, i desperately need to take vocal lessons again.

now it’s headphone time, because everything sounds better on headphones unless it’s live and being blasted on twenty or so incredibly loud speakers. *sigh* it’ll be a long while until i get that again. unless . . . is it time for another crazy scheme? hey, this is how the last one started and that turned out amazingly surreal. i say i give it a shot. it all starts tomorrow when i go out for job interviews. here’s to it.