i messed things up again. i hate this feeling. and i hate that he goes to her. she’s not a good friend. a good friend wouldn’t have done what she did. i’m probably just jealous. i just want to move far away and start fresh with a clean slate. go somewhere and start something where if i mess up, it doesn’t matter and i can just leave without any major consequences.

right now i just want to shut off my brain and forget everything. i really need to start therapy. i’m not getting better, which became blatantly clear last night. i also think it has to do with going from everything to nothing with no support system for the interim.  no communication, no closure, nothing.

my mom wants to take me for my blood tests tomorrow. i’m fairly certain i’ll pass out. just the thought of feeling blood leave me makes me woozy and i have to lie down.

hopefully i’ll have a good time tomorrow. industry party at the drake, although i think the location’s been changed. i’m not sure if i dreamed it or if i was told when i was drunk. i hate that. so many times. the best part is i can’t very well say ’sorry, i dreamed that i sent you the assignment, that’s why you never got it.’ who’s going to believe that? they really are that vivid. a blessing and a curse; latter in more recent times than i care for.

the point is, i hate what i did and that i always get like that. it causes nothing but guilt and anxiety for myself. more than that, i hate that it hurts other people too. boo. sucks to me.

i can’t move on because i have no control over this. i never knew i was such a control freak until now. maybe just one more chance? am i still in denial? things just don’t feel right. but would it feel any different if things changed? wouldn’t it just be a false happiness, like that other time? do i even really want it? the grass is never greener on the other side, so what about now? i’m on the non-green side, so does the saying still apply? is it less green than here now? it’s pretty friggin’ barren here.

i think i’m going to be a big idiot and go to university next september. hell, screw september. i might as well try for the winter semester. it’s not like i’ll have anything else on my plate, or have anything i need to complete. i wish i had parents that were paying for it all. that would make things a lot easier and way better. thank god for osap. i’ll work part-time while in school again and pay off my debts for metalworks. then i get to pay off more debt when i graduate from university. at least i’ll have a lot of education. yet, i’m quite certain i still won’t be satisfied.

i need to make more of an effort with certain things and spend less effort on others. it’s hard to not be sad right now. being sad takes a lot of energy and if i could stop, believe me i would. i should probably get on that therapy thing. ugh, more money. i need a job.

i have all these plans, but never any drive to do them. maybe i really don’t want to be happy. i don’t. my entire relationship i worried and looked for something to be wrong. that’s half of why it was so hard to determine whether or not something was actually a problem or just something that i’d embellish or wrongly feel was a bigger problem than it was. i really would like another chance. i’d like it now, but i think i (we?) would fail again at this moment. eventually. two weeks? hahaha. no, really. okay, no. there’s just something off about the whole thing.

bah. past 3am. i suppose i should try to sleep if i’m to wake up early and write a presentation.

why do i always get the courage, or enough craziness/stupidity to say things when i can’t? not that saying anything changes things. when will this stop being such a tormenting force in my life? my heart keeps breaking over and over. i can’t move on. it’s too far from the familiar.

i’m not a ’single’ person. i grew up wanting to be a twin, for crying out loud. how’s that for dependency issues? if i haven’t been in a relationship, i’ve yearned for one. my focus was the guy i wanted to be with. that’s so ridiculous because that goes against everything else i am, but it’s how i’ve always been. i am one big fleeting errant contradiction.

people believe that i’ll get through this. it’s early still, but i don’t know if i will. the blocks i keep hitting aren’t going away. it’ll be one of those time things, but i’ll die a thousand times before i heal.

i don’t want to be sad anymore. i don’t want to care about what he’s doing or his life or anything. i’m sick of being jealous of nothing. i’m tired of remembering that i no longer have a right to know or feel anything related to him.

in other news, i contacted a modeling agency and they want me to go in for an interview. i think they just set up shop and are wrangling anyone they can get, so it’s nothing to get excited about. i still desperately need a job. another thing i’m getting tired of is sending my resume to four places a day and not getting any replies. i also hate interviews because it’s the same old crap over and over and it’s so tiring. it’s hard to be cheery and peppy while repeating the exact same information that is clearly written on the resume and work sheet i filled out, and i just stated for a similar interview a couple of hours earlier. why do i seem to have to do the things i hate the most? if it involves tedium and fakeness i have to do it millions of times. i never get to sing or talk about interesting concepts over and over. what the hell is that about?

hmm, so i now have an open window. do i jump?

as soon as i have enough money, i’m going to change my hair dramatically. i’m going to go to a fancy salon and tell the hairdresser to do whatever they think would look best on me. the one condition is it has to be something i’ve never done before. i always have these phases of wanting to change my appearance, but i believe i really need it now.

i need to sing or write or some sort of release. i still haven’t gotten incredibly and stupidly drunk. i haven’t had the money. also, for some reason i just can’t get drunk with the asian crew. i suppose it’s because they have a few drinks and they’re already drunk, so i’d have to keep drinking by myself to get sloshed. maybe i’ll go all out on 420. i know there’ll be at least one day with kathy where we’ll get depressingly drunk.

i plan on not remembering the first week of may. i don’t care how or who with but i will be drunk/intoxicated for at least four of the seven nights of that week. i guess i have that to look forward to. also, my birthday week should be fantastic. being with tal will brighten my spirits, but being in seattle will change me. that’s if i can remember any of it, which i should since the poor girl is supposed to be working (and she will be *shakes fist*) not partying with me.

it’s funny, i get whole periods of days where i really don’t care anymore; it’s just another event in my life that happened and passed and it doesn’t mean anything to me now. and then i’ll get days like these where i’m on the verge of tears from seeing a picture of him taken so long ago. i was even thinking about the problems today and how they’re unfixable: that’s just the way he is and i either have to accept it, or find someone else who isn’t like that. yet, i still want him back. maybe it’s because i refuse to believe that there’s anything better for me. i deserve to feel uncertain and neglected because i hate myself and that’s the best i can do. let’s be honest, the blame isn’t on him. i expected a lot without actually voicing what i wanted. but there’s still this part of me that screams to be given a second chance. i want to do it right. do it the way i always wanted to, but never did for some unknown reason. do it as the non-screwed up whitney.

the entire time i didn’t know (and still don’t know) whether it was my problem, his problem or a combination of the two. when we got it right, it was so right. i guess now is the time when i find out what went wrong. there are so many variables, i still think it’s impossible to know.

i always wanted more. more time, more attention, more everything. it made sense to me that given his situation and feelings toward certain people during certain times, he’d rather be with me than them. but that wasn’t the case. he chose them, so of course that led me to be confused and hurt on numerous occasions. since we never talked to each other on the phone, i thought he’d want to talk to me every time he came online. i wanted to talk to him. okay, so that one was more me, but for the last three years, i’ve barely talked to him first. why would i change now? the way i saw it was if i talked to him first i could be bugging him, so i’d just wait until he had time/wanted to talk to me. yeah, i know it’s stupid, but i hate myself remember? so i think why waste someone’s time. i’ll let them come to me. i know, i know i should’ve given in for that one and it was dumb, but there are so many other things that i changed or gave up too. i think that was one of the main problems. we both felt like we’d given so much and the other one didn’t appreciate it or know about it. but how were we supposed to appreciate it when we didn’t say what we were sacrificing? relationships are simple; people are complicated.

my doctor upped my medication again. she didn’t want me to relapse. she also gave me some information for a therapist. not so much for advice, just for someone to listen and agree. kind of like this, but an actual person that responds immediately. we’ll see how that goes later.

i’d proof read this, but i know i’d end up deleting half of it. there are some final statements i want to make though. i don’t blame him for what happened. i don’t blame me either. we both did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do things we should have. even after all the analyzing and realization of major problems, i still want to be with him. he’s an amazing person, i still love him and i learned that relationships are never, ever perfect, even in the beginning. they take so much work, but it only does anything if you show it.

i don’t know how to get better. i’m not getting any better. day by day things are staying the same or getting worse. i’m tempted to up my meds or at least stay on them so it’s easier, but i’m not depressed anymore. i’m just heartbroken. hah, ‘just’ as if it’s nothing. it’s not like i don’t have that logical side that says ‘it’s just a guy. in a couple of years it (probably) won’t matter. soul mates don’t exist and even if they did would the second guy i dated really be it?’ and so on with other various questions and statements of similar content. no matter how hard i try to take emotions out of it, or instill negative feelings about what happened, i can’t stop. i’m pretty sure i’m a romantic to the core. the more i try to analyze this, the more aspects i discover that were so great about what we had. maybe it’s just tainted because i’m not in it anymore. fucking uncertainty. fucking love.

how can i be so cynical about people and love, and yet want it all so badly? to make things even worse, i fall in love fairly easily (with the right people) and hard. then i can never stop falling. why do i always like the complicated ones with heartbreaking pasts? it’s like trying to not love an adorable, hurt puppy.

days go by far too slowly and nothing i do ever makes it change. if i got what i wanted, i don’t even know if it would change things or if the next ending would be any happier. i said it before, i don’t think there is such a thing as a happy ending. the only way it can be is if both partners are interested in different people at the same time and they’re honest enough with each other and themselves to know they’d rather be with the other person. even in that situation, you’ve got to be pretty damn sure that the other person is better because otherwise you’re doubly screwed when it’s over. i think an affair is kind of easy to deal with because at least you can hate the person for breaking your heart. you shouldn’t want to be with them for cheating, but that doesn’t mean you won’t. at least there’s anger to help you through. and i’m assuming the other one is with the cheatee = happiness, at least temporarily. again, i’m putting this whole thing into random, hypothetical scenarios because then it’s like it’s not me.

did you know that when you have to cry/sob but you can’t do it because you haven’t recognized it, that you get a pressure in your chest. it’s just a little higher than your stomach, i guess right around the sternum area. it’s almost like being winded, but more pressure and the ability to breathe is still there . . . until you start crying. it’s such a relief though. i was in physical pain for a couple of days because of this and i was starting to get worried. then i took a shower (something about showers helps me cry) and the sobbing started and i could feel the pressure going away the more i cried. i think showers make me cry because they’re completely solitary. nothing but a vulnerable me with my thoughts. i really am too honest on this thing.

this morning i had an exam at 8:30. then i spent all day in the studio with the band that the label my class and i created have signed,*plug*label myspace: S.N.A.F.U Records & band myspace: As Is*plug* laying down the drum tracks. hmm, i accidentally typed drunk instead of drum. coincidence? anyway, after a pretty long day and last few months, i tried to get something going tonight but lack of response and fear of making that phone call stopped me from pursuing anything to its full potential. then around 9-10ish i got really tired anyway. if i had already been out or if plans had already been made i would’ve been fine, but it wasn’t meant to be.

i have to stop trying for both. i can’t do one without the other, so i have to deal with none. maybe that’s what’s killing me. i’m not just losing my lover, but my best friend and accomplice and companion for everything.

i warned you i’d be writing about this for months.

update - hah, i just realized it’s the first. i don’t care what month, it’s just a heart breaker now.

everything. but as if to answer my question and laugh in my face about it, life has decided to make my audio drivers stop working. well, that was weird. now they’re fine.

is it possible that i’m only just beginning to go through the anger stage now? no, i’d wager it’s wonderful pms. this is the same feeling i’d get when i was still with the guy. how can he still have this kind of control? this is not cool.

fuck benny goodman. learning about dead people is not going to help me promote a band. sorry if this is too random, i haven’t exactly been in a linear head space as of late.

i spent my weekend trying to control my endless sobbing. every single thing made me cry. i watched ‘my best friend’s wedding’ and i cried at everything. i watched ’shallow hal’ and i cried at that too. yeah, see? totally crazy! then i listened to imogen heap songs on repeat. they made me cry. i saw some pictures that made me cry. even watching something that i’m not going to name made me cry. it’s not usually the type of media that makes one cry, but i did.

at the moment, i think i’m all cried out. i’m definitely in more of a pissed off mood. only talk to me while drunk eh? well fuck you. my dreams don’t help. they only enhance my fears and make me live scenarios in which i’m livid. i also have to do a stupid project that is so frustratingly boring! i don’t care one bit. i cannot wait for the break at the end of april. i need that week off so badly.

i’m kind of liking this whole anger thing. it helps me not want him. it reminds me of all the things that drove me nuts when we were together. i’m almost back to how i felt when i was on the fence about breaking it off. all the sappy, romantic, loving, good memories mean shit to me right now. wow, i am seriously messed. not twelve hours ago i was barely able to stop myself from crying at just the thought of jeff. now i feel nothing.

okay, i’m going to sleep and i’ll probably have some heart wrenching dream that’ll make me desperate to be with him again. oy.

update - now i know what’s wrong. but i don’t want to say it because then that would only validate it and make it worse. i hate emotions.