obliviously obvious

the more time passes, the more i want to be with him. isn’t it supposed to work the opposite way? aren’t i supposed to be seeing the ‘good’ side of things? yeah, i’ve thought that now i’m ‘free’ i can just hit on hot guys and have sex whenever i want. i’m not that kind of person though. even if i was, i’d be working against it and wouldn’t want to do it. of course i’ve thought of all the regular escapes: drugs, sex, alcohol. i won’t deny that while i’m doing those things i’ll forget, but i’m certain i’d only hate myself more after the fact. i don’t know what to do to dull this.

i thought i was done crying. i thought wrong. maybe it’s just a bad week. i’ve also been rationing my meds because my doctor isn’t back until the second. bad timing on my part, but considering i’m planning on stopping altogether, i shouldn’t be feeling like this due to lack of (legal) drugs. then there’s always the hormonal approach. i should probably get that tended to so i actually know what’s going on. i’m sure the answer will be to go on birth control. weight gain is something i don’t need right now, even if it was all in my boobs.

i think what i want most (after being with jeff) is unadulterated certainty in my feelings and decisions. something i can never have.

and now my downloads have stopped working for some unknown god forsaken reason. ah fuck it, i’ll just go cry myself to sleep.

there better be a party or something this weekend, because i desperately need to get drunk. or high, but not a laughy goofy high. i need a real, super happy high. a kind of high that makes you feel actually happy not just masks the pain. i think this is what i did last time i went through a break up. it screwed me over pretty well. i couldn’t handle school and my coping mechanism for the pain. i shouldn’t do it again, but i think i can deal this time. plus, i don’t really see any other way. i can’t stand it anymore. it’s starting to make me angry because i want to be with him so much.

i can’t take this! and why isn’t anyone responding to my emails!? i need money and that ps2. i feel like an addict jonesing for my next fix. i can’t have the drug i need, so i’ll just go for what i can get. except it’s real drugs and not other people in place of the person drug. i can’t do that. well, i can i just don’t want to because that would just really destroy me. as if i’m not completely destroyed already.

i need a vacation. i need to get away. i need jeff back.

it’s killing me to be alone right now, but i don’t want just anyone’s company. i only want to be with him. i feel so anxious right now. i kind of want to play ffviii, but it also makes me terribly lonely. i just want my jeff back. i have never felt like this before. i’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. i’m dying a tiny piece at a time. i want to be in windsor, right now!

i wonder if i want him back so badly just because i can’t have him. or just so no one else can have him. i hate thoughts like that because i don’t know if they’re just passing truths or key motives. it’s only been a week since the shit really hit the fan, so i don’t know why i keep expecting things to be fine. i guess it’s because i kind of already went through this three months ago. i thought i had prepared myself. i was eager and willing to accept the changes that seemed inevitable. then i found out what was going on and it wasn’t right. it wasn’t right or fair to end it like that. with that being the main reason and catalyst of our demise. and for it to be delivered in such a way by her of all people. there are only two others who would’ve made me madder.

i always imagined our relationship fizzling out; both of us realizing that we’d become friends more than anything else. i don’t think i’d ever leave though. i’m just that way. i’m greedy and have multiple sides, so i’ll always love what i have but want more as well. i don’t want to give up anything. i don’t stop loving. i’m sure it changes, but probably only after i’ve loved someone else. i can’t really be certain since i’ve only loved two people. at least i thought i loved the other person at the time.

i don’t like being single. it’s very lonely. i don’t like this whole situation. i hate being so unsure of everything. stupid transitional periods. i need video games to distract me. who wants to buy me a ps2 and/or a wii? that will temporarily get me through this phase. that’s my thinking anyway. i’ve been craving a new system for a while. not just new games, but other games.

i need a job. a job where it’s not really like working. i could do boring office work, retail job with no customers or bartending. those are my ideal jobs at the moment. the fewer hours the better, because i really just need the money to get me by.

i’m going to end up being anorexic or something by the end of this whole fiasco. it drives me insane not being allowed to be his. that lack of control over things is maddening. the fact that there’s nothing i can do at all to change things is infuriating. this is why i have to make up a future scenario. i shouldn’t, especially considering what i’ve made it up to be, but it helps me deal with this lack of options. it gives me something to do. i’m scared to think what will happen when he finds someone new. i will have absolutely nothing left.

this entry may seem kind of psycho. i like to think i’m just being bitterly honest. meh. why should i care? i do need help, i just can’t afford it.

so i just had a really nice dream. it was weird because although we were apart in it, we still acted the same. i knew in my head that we weren’t together, or did i? i think i’m more confused than my brain can recognize. i’m really beginning to believe that i’ve been mentally damaged beyond my ability to see it. i almost feel like i’m in a deep state of denial. i just can’t figure out how i’m supposed to feel. i’m certain i still love the guy and the only difference from then to now is i have no obligation to him and i can’t expect certain things. i guess this is more like a forced paradigm shift than anything else. man, i am screwed up.

before i had to trust that it was there. now i have to remind myself it’s not there. stupid feelings. why are they so tortuous? some therapy may be in order. why couldn’t i have had a dream like that in the two weeks that things were bad? it’s all so frustratingly stupid and avoidable. waiting it out seems the only thing to do. even if another ‘jeff‘ existed, i don’t think it would change my outlook like it did the last time.

anyway, it’s a quarter to six and i have class at nine, so i should probably try to get more sleep.

tonight seems to be a better night. that means i’m not sobbing uncontrollably to every single thing that reminds me of him, which is every thing. i’m only shedding a tear here and there. it comes and goes i guess. i woke up today and couldn’t feel anything. it scared me. i thought directly of old memories and current developments, of feelings lost and pain inflicted, but nothing. it made everything meaningless. i guess then as i woke up more and started existing in the real world, i became sad again.

i may be stupid for this, but i’m not giving up. some things are just too precious. i’m going to beat this dead horse until it’s good and, well, beaten. even if it means it’s like starting over again (or it actually is starting all over again due to time or what have you).

i’m hoping time will help. one way or another it will. or it may hinder. it has already. again, another decision where i can only find out what happens by choosing one and seeing the outcome, leaving the other completely out of the question. i just feel like this wasn’t something that could end it.

i don’t know. i have these moments of thinking ‘yeah, i’m okay. it was good and now it’s time to move on,’ but then i think i’m just deluding myself. as if i haven’t really accepted it and i’m just going back to my ‘jeff’ mentality, for lack of a better term, but without any jeff. it all goes back to him being the majority of my thoughts for the past few years. it’s not only love i have to stop, but a habit i have to break. the first things i think of or associate things with are him. it’s just second nature now. even if i truly wanted to, i don’t know how i’d stop doing that.

i’m probably being too honest now. there are things i have to say. and i think it’s for the best if they’re said sooner rather than later. time has caused a bigger hurt than needed. the change from then to now could’ve been stopped, i think. i hope it’s not too late.

god, i’m retarded. oh the first, it’ll be a heart breaker for a while now.

i can’t stand this stillness. i can’t stand this silence. i have so much to say, but i’m not in a place to say it. if it doesn’t end now, it’ll start all over again, with things going unsaid until it reaches an inevitable bevy of apologies and actions which shouldn’t have happened.

it’s not my choice. it hasn’t been for a long time. i’ve always questioned why because i can’t feel it anymore. it was always on my end. i knew that. i can’t read minds. i have to be told things. everyone thinks they know. why go to anyone but me? why? no one knows me like you. why go to someone else? why go to someone who knows nothing about the situation? i don’t understand.

i should’ve said what i wanted to say a month ago. quite frankly, i was sick of always giving it. it didn’t make it less true, but it made it that much more difficult to say because i always feel like it means nothing. no matter what i say, it’s like i can’t get in. i only seem to reach you through pain.

maybe it’s time to just call it.