obliviously obvious

i’m almost entirely moved in. i have a large list of things i need to do, but i’m glad for it. i had become self-destructive once again. i was/am in a rut. but i’ve seen it and i think i can get myself out. it’s been far too long since i’ve done something actually productive for myself. i think i’ve finally decided on what to go back to school for, but right now i’m just going to save up, pay debts and see how things go.

i’ve been pretty good with exercising and diet and i think it’s starting to show. at the very least, i’ve lost three pounds, so it’s a start. i just have to keep at it. my goal is to see how things are going at the end of may. i’m trying to not be discouraged by lack of results until then.

i can’t believe it’s may already. where does the time go? oh well. twenty-four soon. blech. i’m still young, so says every one older than me. yet i’m supposed to have every thing figured out in the next six years. meh. time to sleep.

- my grandad died on monday. i had to sing at the memorial. it wasn’t so much singing as it was crying my heart out.

- moving to cambridge in about a month. sort of happy, but not really. not looking forward to job searches or adjusting to public transit etc.

- i really need a job because i want to leave here asap. now that i don’t have a monthly prescription to pay for, maybe i can just be a full time temp. that seems to suit me because i can’t stand being in one place too long. like longer than three months. plus then i don’t have to worry about what happens with vacation time etc.

- still trying to lose weight. i keep saying it’s for real this time, and then something comes up. i couldn’t exactly stick to my eating and work-out regimen with the funeral and viewing times, so another week goes by. now, hopefully, for real for real.

- have to get my driver’s license but i’ll probably wait until i get to cambridge and the summer since the strike screwed just about every one.

- possibly going to work in mexico in september, but we’ll see how that pans out.

- everything else is the same and i hate it, but at the moment i have to deal with limbo.

but i feel bad asking for it because it’s been such a long time and i did initially leave it. however, that doesn’t excuse my stuff from not being found when i’ve requested it multiple times in the past.  i just want what’s mine or some sort of compensation/explanation. ‘i can’t find it’ just isn’t good enough.

in other news, i might have a real job in two to three months, or not. i have to see how things go. it’s yet another vicious cycle of being poor; i want to do more, but that costs more and i don’t have the funds, but i won’t get a job unless i do more: repeat. such is life.

the new tokio hotel album is pretty good. again, i prefer the german version to the english one. i completely understand when lil talks about her intrigue surrounding them. maybe it’s just because they’re german and they seem different due to that but they’re so . . . interesting, for lack of a better word.  it’s highly possible that i’m just out of touch with the youth of today.  i’ve always been fascinated by twins too, so i’m sure that has something to do with it.  the long and short of it is, now, i want to learn german too.

i think i’m going to go back to school for journalism. i’d like to go into computer programming but that would mean having to take a grade twelve math to get in and then more maths while actually in the program. it’s not so much that i don’t think i could do it; i could, it would just mean a lot more work than i’m willing to put in. hmm, but then i wonder if maybe i should push myself. i also know me and math just don’t get along. i have never once had an epiphany moment in math where i suddenly got it. even if i did, as soon as i moved into the next step, my new found realizations were shown to be false.

the big hurdle with journalism is deadlines. i am not a timely person. hopefully, by being in a work situation that forces the exact opposite of what i am, i might change my ways . . . or get fired.  i don’t want that one flaw to stop me from doing something i think i’d be really good at.

so my plan is to apply to college programs for september and see how that pans out. there’s a lot of work involved with just applying, like getting my transcripts and sending them out to the right places and all the research i have to do to see which programs i want to apply to.  also, there’s the whole dilemma of what i apply as: mature student, transfer, or high school? depending on that, i have to send different things to different people and/or take classes/tests to see if i can get in/get credit etc.

i have about a month before the deadline = a month to get my shit together and contact places to get the facts straight. here’s to my future . . . ?

so the last few weeks i haven’t been actively searching for a job because i hate looking for jobs and i haven’t had an updated resume on my main computer in a while. now, of course, i’m starting to run out of funds. also, i can’t stand living at home anymore. as soon as my parents get home i become this stressed out, irritated harpy. i want to move downtown but you have to have a job before a place will let you move in but i don’t really want to commute from ’sauga every day for a 9-5 job because that will take a lot of time and money especially now that mississauga transit is $3.00 a pop. f-ing bastards. i should just become a hippy/bum and move to california.

there are lots of jobs out there, but they all want shit loads of experience for $10-12/hr. what the fuck are they thinking? gah. i’m just so frustrated with this whole situation. i know i should just get some shitty office job and make money for a year but i really start to go insane after about three months of doing the same pointless shit over and over. maybe if i was in some sort of career, i might not want to slit my throat or the people’s around me every day.

bartending is just as bad. they expect you to be a bartender and a waitress for minimum wage and you have to be sunshine and unicorns pouring out of your ass happy all the time otherwise you’re not a good enough ambassador for their shitty chain. shit. i know companies expect a comittment but that doesn’t mean i have to be super happy about doing a shitty job that no one else wants.

i just don’t get it. i can’t deal in this world. i can’t fake it. i can’t take it. fuck. i’m going to end up a bum because i hate people and most people don’t get me and i just don’t get them. if you’re told to make conversation with me, don’t ask me what my favourite fucking colour is. that’s the most stupid and inane shit i’ve ever heard. honestly, what do you expect my response to be? what the fuck kind of conversation is going to come out of that? maybe if i was some fucking dipshit i’d say ‘oh, i love pink. i’d have everything pink if i could. it just makes me so happy that i want to anally rape myself’. well, maybe not that last part.

back in canada. looking for a job. trying to pay off debts. the usual. i want to change my theme, but i can’t be bothered to look for something decent. maybe if i’m bored and desperate enough in the near future.

rome was awesome. i wish i was still there. i gained too much weight though. the trip back was a nightmare and about eight hours longer than it should’ve been. swiss air is amazing though. great food, service, entertainment and super comfortable.

possibly moving out soon. definitely getting an alaskan klee kai in the next five years. hooray.