• apply for passport renewal
• get job
• buy concert tickets
• book package deal to mexico
• save money for said trip to mexico
• have best time of life
• pay off debts for many, many years

i don’t even know where to begin. it was so good that it was almost anticlimactic in the way that they were exactly how they seem to be, so i got exactly what i was expecting. they lived up to my expectations so it only makes my fantasies and dreams a reality instead of dashing them to pieces. i only wish i had talked to b more and more directly like i did with everyone else. he was busy with old friends, so i didn’t want to bother him much. sitting next to him and listening to him right there was more than enough. oh yeah, and the stroking of my arm and the perfect hair. i shared a cigarette with ben. he got me a glass of wine too. then i had a beer with mike and he showed me their tour bus. they had plum pie on the counter.

i’ll write more later. i didn’t take any pictures because i didn’t want to be all ‘take a picture with me’. plus we were told not to take pictures and even though i know i could’ve, i still didn’t want to be all fan-ish.

i’m just glad i had really good conversations with interesting, intelligent people. it was almost like being with old friends. i felt that accepted and appreciated. i felt happier and more acceptance with a bunch of strangers (celebrities at that) than i do any one else, excluding family and one or two people. oh memories.

best night of my life . . . until the next time.

there are a number of things i have to do in order to get better and be the person i want to be. in no particular order:

• get a job - this will enable me to do the other things on my list a lot easier and faster, thereby making me better sooner. this will cause a chain of events leading only to success for a while.
• learn to drive and get my g2 - i’ve put this off for so long for various reasons and problems. i hope to correct this soon, possibly by july.
• see a therapist* - this is a biggie and i know some people are against it, but i want to try it first. it also depends on the therapist so this one could take a while.
• go to university/college - i’ve been doing some research and i definitely want to go. i even want to take on the costs of living on res. it may be weird for a while, what with the age difference and all, but i’m hoping being in a new environment will be positive for me and i’ll thrive instead of dying ever so slowly like i am now.
• finish that one thing - this shall go without description since i’m not exactly proud of it. i’ll look into it with more detail now, but won’t start working at it diligently until august or so.
• take voice lessons - this will happen by my third or fourth paycheck. if i happen to go back to school for music (a big if) i’ll need a good long while to get back in shape. my range is still there, but nowhere near the strength it once was. i’ve been looking into sls instead of classical training, but considering i’d like to get a diploma in opera one day, i don’t know how good of an idea it would be. no harm in trying i suppose.
• find an internship - i should get experience under my belt even if i’m going back to school. who knows, if things go spectacularly well i might get a part time job there that i can keep while going to university. even better, they may decide to fund some of it. okay, let’s not go nuts, but crazier things have happened.

then there are some things that i want to do to make me feel better, but have no timeline and aren’t mandatory for my immediate health:

• work out - this is specifically with the intention of having a knock-out body. it’s close but i need a little work. i only weigh 105 lbs now, so i can’t lose any weight without being unhealthy. i need to build muscle and lose a tiny bit of fat; that’s it.
• get a new hairstyle - i’ve had this one now for a good four years. it’s time for a change. the only thing that’s stopping me is money.
• finally get my tattoo - i’ve been wanting one forever and i was supposed to get one for my seventeenth? birthday. i guess i should decide what i want first. i thought i knew, but i decided against it. it almost means too much to have that on my body forever.
• get representation for modeling/acting - a girl in my class actually just started her own company, but i think i may have accidentally burned that bridge a while back. it’d be nice, but really not necessary.
• get more sleep - i’m hoping that when the needs are half completed, this will naturally come with it.
• get my own domain - i wanted to do this from the beginning but again, money! all those hosting costs add up. sure, a free domain, when i sign up for $6.95/mo USD for the rest of my life to your web hosting service! okay, it’s only for a year or two and the price isn’t bad, but it is if you’re broke. i could manage it if it was monthly, but it’s not, it’s just priced that way.
• buy a ps2 - i know. it’s a sacrilege that i don’t have one, especially since i’ve been dubbed by my classmates as ‘the hardcore gamer’. i’m not amazing, but i’m better than most and definitely most girls (sorry to say). all my roms and isos can only take me so far. i’ve experienced all the classics that i missed the first time around because i was too young and now i crave the goodness that was missed while i was catching up. bring on devil may cry and .hack. i miss watching those games being played. once again rectification = money.

i think that’s it. that’s all i want to do with my life in the next couple of years. when i write it out like that, it doesn’t seem too demanding. people have had far more unrealistic and lofty lists. half of the tasks are easily manageable within the next six months or so. the others really depend on what happens during and after those six months. if i get a job, learn to drive and see a therapist though, i’ll be exponentially happier (i hope).

i shall break my routine slightly and go to bed at 2 am instead of 4. i say that, but i might just end up playing chrono trigger for two hours.

*does anyone else always have a hard time reading and saying it as anything but ‘the rapist’? damn you sean connery!

5:16 am - yeah . . . i got caught up in the gameboy version of tamagotchi (laugh away) and then chrono trigger. i’m even too tired to be sad. *yawn* i want my real tamagotchi now.

here’s some stuff:
- i bought a laptop. it should be here by friday.
- i need reassurance. of what? many things.
- i need a job. i thought about two, to keep me busy, but that’s hard to do in my situation.
- i want compliments. i haven’t been praised (for something/by someone worthwhile) in quite a bit.
- i should work out more. the problem is i never feel like working out when i can/should.
- i miss my really, really close friends that i could do anything with.

i think that’s enough of my whining. i’m probably overtired and under stimulated. ach. i need to sing.