i still haven’t read the iov boards. i want to, but my ocd of checking everything i’ve missed is going to kill me. i realize that the longer i leave it, the worse it gets, i just can’t get around to facing the hundreds upon hundreds of threads and posts i have to catch up on.

i’m still having dreams involving meeting incubus, or seeing them again, making them late for concerts because i’m trading cell numbers with them. unfortunately, along with the amazing incubus dreams comes some really messed up war/ex-boyfriend dreams. i’d write about them, but it really is for the best if i don’t. far, far too personal and destructive to be public.

i want a champagne slushee. those were good.

why is it so hard to find a decent guy anywhere? everyone says my standards are too high but that’s bullshit. then when i do date someone, they’re not good enough for me. which is it people? i guess i do have high standards concerning looks. they have to be at least 6′ or look that tall. i’m not going to continue to list what i’m looking for in a guy because i can basically sum it up in two words: brandon boyd. i stray a little within attributes, but that type is pretty much it. i’m such a sucker for longer hair, but only if it’s done right. although, it does surprise me how many guys can pull off the right look.

i’m just babbling because i’m lonely and my dreams have an amazing power to set back any progress i’ve made. i really need to move to l.a. the second i’m done paying my debts, i’m gone. that’s all there is to it.

it is now 6:30am and i’m still awake. i’m really tired, but i’ve been keeping myself awake for some unknown reason. it probably has to do with sadness and missing people. ew. i don’t want to, i just can’t help it. i almost feel like i’ve come full circle and i’m right back where i started before anything happened.

sleep or all-nighter? i’m going to choose sleep because 1. i hope to have dreams that will help me cope and 2. i have to work tonight.

at least i had fun going out drinking my free bacardi 151. nothing quite like having your bill being paid for you. good times.

i don’t want to go to school unless i’m singing at it!

so the anniversary threw me for a bigger loop than i expected. i’m not sure, but i think i might have lost three months worth of recovery. i feel like i’m back in march. i hate it. today wasn’t so bad, but yesterday was terrible. i haven’t had a day like that in a (relatively) long time.  anyway, i’ll spare you and myself the repetitive prattle contained in every post that dealt with this.

my mom fell and hurt her ankle this morning. after a trip to the emergency room the radiologist said ‘it’s probably not broken, but if she comes back in a few days the bone will have separated so we’ll know for sure’. fun stuff. i don’t normally write about things like this, but for some reason i feel like i should, at least for posterity or as a marker of some sort. maybe that’s why i’m incredibly good at remembering dates and when things happened. yeah, this post will probably only make sense to me. is there a point, then, in making it public? i suppose not, but there’s no point in making it private either and that’s more work.

other stuff has happened, i’m sure, i just can’t remember right now.  hey, i said i was good at remembering when things happened, not what. 

the record company called me for the internship and i have to call them back to set up an interview for friday morning.  i also got a call back from a job i applied to over a month ago. i had no idea what the guy was talking about until i checked my email history. i don’t know whether i’ll try for that one. it’s a receptionist job? something clerical at least.

as crazy as this might sound, i think i miss math. a teacher of mine was describing an upcoming course and noted that it was complex, involving math, equations, logistics etc. i actually got a little excited. i thought i was going to really enjoy a challenge. then i was perturbed by my excitement. i’m beginning to think i’m more technically/science inclined than i’ve always thought. i really just need to pick something and shine in it. i’ve always thought that i couldn’t do well in things, but now i realize that i just didn’t work at it, at all. shit in, shit out. effort goes a long way.

in short, i don’t suck at life. not entirely.

as soon as i have enough money, i’m going to change my hair dramatically. i’m going to go to a fancy salon and tell the hairdresser to do whatever they think would look best on me. the one condition is it has to be something i’ve never done before. i always have these phases of wanting to change my appearance, but i believe i really need it now.

i need to sing or write or some sort of release. i still haven’t gotten incredibly and stupidly drunk. i haven’t had the money. also, for some reason i just can’t get drunk with the asian crew. i suppose it’s because they have a few drinks and they’re already drunk, so i’d have to keep drinking by myself to get sloshed. maybe i’ll go all out on 420. i know there’ll be at least one day with kathy where we’ll get depressingly drunk.

i plan on not remembering the first week of may. i don’t care how or who with but i will be drunk/intoxicated for at least four of the seven nights of that week. i guess i have that to look forward to. also, my birthday week should be fantastic. being with tal will brighten my spirits, but being in seattle will change me. that’s if i can remember any of it, which i should since the poor girl is supposed to be working (and she will be *shakes fist*) not partying with me.

it’s funny, i get whole periods of days where i really don’t care anymore; it’s just another event in my life that happened and passed and it doesn’t mean anything to me now. and then i’ll get days like these where i’m on the verge of tears from seeing a picture of him taken so long ago. i was even thinking about the problems today and how they’re unfixable: that’s just the way he is and i either have to accept it, or find someone else who isn’t like that. yet, i still want him back. maybe it’s because i refuse to believe that there’s anything better for me. i deserve to feel uncertain and neglected because i hate myself and that’s the best i can do. let’s be honest, the blame isn’t on him. i expected a lot without actually voicing what i wanted. but there’s still this part of me that screams to be given a second chance. i want to do it right. do it the way i always wanted to, but never did for some unknown reason. do it as the non-screwed up whitney.

the entire time i didn’t know (and still don’t know) whether it was my problem, his problem or a combination of the two. when we got it right, it was so right. i guess now is the time when i find out what went wrong. there are so many variables, i still think it’s impossible to know.

i always wanted more. more time, more attention, more everything. it made sense to me that given his situation and feelings toward certain people during certain times, he’d rather be with me than them. but that wasn’t the case. he chose them, so of course that led me to be confused and hurt on numerous occasions. since we never talked to each other on the phone, i thought he’d want to talk to me every time he came online. i wanted to talk to him. okay, so that one was more me, but for the last three years, i’ve barely talked to him first. why would i change now? the way i saw it was if i talked to him first i could be bugging him, so i’d just wait until he had time/wanted to talk to me. yeah, i know it’s stupid, but i hate myself remember? so i think why waste someone’s time. i’ll let them come to me. i know, i know i should’ve given in for that one and it was dumb, but there are so many other things that i changed or gave up too. i think that was one of the main problems. we both felt like we’d given so much and the other one didn’t appreciate it or know about it. but how were we supposed to appreciate it when we didn’t say what we were sacrificing? relationships are simple; people are complicated.

my doctor upped my medication again. she didn’t want me to relapse. she also gave me some information for a therapist. not so much for advice, just for someone to listen and agree. kind of like this, but an actual person that responds immediately. we’ll see how that goes later.

i’d proof read this, but i know i’d end up deleting half of it. there are some final statements i want to make though. i don’t blame him for what happened. i don’t blame me either. we both did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do things we should have. even after all the analyzing and realization of major problems, i still want to be with him. he’s an amazing person, i still love him and i learned that relationships are never, ever perfect, even in the beginning. they take so much work, but it only does anything if you show it.

it’s killing me to be alone right now, but i don’t want just anyone’s company. i only want to be with him. i feel so anxious right now. i kind of want to play ffviii, but it also makes me terribly lonely. i just want my jeff back. i have never felt like this before. i’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. i’m dying a tiny piece at a time. i want to be in windsor, right now!

i wonder if i want him back so badly just because i can’t have him. or just so no one else can have him. i hate thoughts like that because i don’t know if they’re just passing truths or key motives. it’s only been a week since the shit really hit the fan, so i don’t know why i keep expecting things to be fine. i guess it’s because i kind of already went through this three months ago. i thought i had prepared myself. i was eager and willing to accept the changes that seemed inevitable. then i found out what was going on and it wasn’t right. it wasn’t right or fair to end it like that. with that being the main reason and catalyst of our demise. and for it to be delivered in such a way by her of all people. there are only two others who would’ve made me madder.

i always imagined our relationship fizzling out; both of us realizing that we’d become friends more than anything else. i don’t think i’d ever leave though. i’m just that way. i’m greedy and have multiple sides, so i’ll always love what i have but want more as well. i don’t want to give up anything. i don’t stop loving. i’m sure it changes, but probably only after i’ve loved someone else. i can’t really be certain since i’ve only loved two people. at least i thought i loved the other person at the time.

i don’t like being single. it’s very lonely. i don’t like this whole situation. i hate being so unsure of everything. stupid transitional periods. i need video games to distract me. who wants to buy me a ps2 and/or a wii? that will temporarily get me through this phase. that’s my thinking anyway. i’ve been craving a new system for a while. not just new games, but other games.

i need a job. a job where it’s not really like working. i could do boring office work, retail job with no customers or bartending. those are my ideal jobs at the moment. the fewer hours the better, because i really just need the money to get me by.

i’m going to end up being anorexic or something by the end of this whole fiasco. it drives me insane not being allowed to be his. that lack of control over things is maddening. the fact that there’s nothing i can do at all to change things is infuriating. this is why i have to make up a future scenario. i shouldn’t, especially considering what i’ve made it up to be, but it helps me deal with this lack of options. it gives me something to do. i’m scared to think what will happen when he finds someone new. i will have absolutely nothing left.

this entry may seem kind of psycho. i like to think i’m just being bitterly honest. meh. why should i care? i do need help, i just can’t afford it.

you know that acceptance feeling i had? i was right, it did have to do with lack of sleep and food. it took a couple of meals to go through my system before i started feeling ‘normal’ again.* maybe it was just because it was warmer outside and smelled like him.

everything about this hurts so much. i don’t want to do this anymore. i just want to be with him and be happy. i hate thinking about it all the time. it takes me roughly an hour to get to school on the bus and to get home afterwards. that’s two hours of nothing but sitting alone and thinking about everything that’s happened. when i get off the bus, an hour’s worth of me has died. and the loneliness is unbelievable. and the guilt. as much as i don’t want to hurt him anymore, a part of me does want him to be affected by this. i want it to mean as much to him as it does to me. of course, because i feel this way, guilt comes along with it. this is too damn hard.

i don’t know what i’ll do when the day actually does come. i can’t imagine having a good time because a part of me will be looking for him. i wish i could get drunk and forget all my problems. there are two things wrong with it: 1. i don’t have the money and 2. drinking would probably just make me wallow even more so. i’d be the contemplative, depressed drunk. i’m sure some crying would be involved and anyone who was with me wouldn’t like me from then on in. the only plan i can think that i would enjoy isn’t a good one in the long run. it’s also not fair to either of us. why does my answer seem so easy? why isn’t love enough?

here i am trying to be a better person and be a better friend to someone who completely backstabbed me. i don’t argue that what i did was wrong, but at least have the decency to tell me you’ve decided to ruin my life. i really don’t know if i can ever really forgive her. what she did has no moral reason whatsoever. i’m sure in her twisted head what she did was right, but it’s wrong on as many levels as it was right. last time i checked, a relationship was between two people, not two people and whoever thinks they know what’s best.

i had another dream last night. he was being stubborn and i was mad at him. i was quite mad, but not so mad that i couldn’t see past it. in my dream i had this epiphany of knowing that although i was so mad at him, i still really loved him and i was glad that he was with me. it was one of those moments when you realize that being mad is stupid and it doesn’t really matter anyway. i miss everything about him.

*nothing makes you lose weight quite like the break up diet. it may be the only positive thing right now. it’s the least healthy diet ever (it’s basically anorexia, maybe even bulimia given the right time of day) but it seems to work. i know, i’m going to hell and i’m fucked up in all the right ways.