that statement may come off wrong. i’ve never disliked my skin colour or my cultural background simply because it makes me so unique. i’ve never had anyone say bad things about it, only good. however, for certain reasons i wish i looked a tiny bit more ‘white’, for lack of a better term.

there are certain looks that are hard to pull off when not white. a few examples: goth, pin-up, victorian etc. it just doesn’t fit as well with darker skin. i could probably look the part easier with blonde hair, but that kind of goes against the part too.

why do i care so much? i don’t really. i guess i just find it frustrating that my looks have limits. it’s also hard to get really brightly coloured eye make-up to stand out. i never want to put too much on because i feel like it’s exactly that: too much. later when i look at pictures or see other women, i clearly have less make-up on. i already feel like every one’s looking at me without tons of make-up, so even though it makes me happy because it completes my creative idea, i don’t do it.

i guess this all has to do with my new ‘project’. i’m really just doing it for creative purposes because i’ve stalled musically for so long and i have yet to explore the visual side. i’m kind of hoping that i can gain a new perspective and be kicked into composing again. i’m buying a camcorder and i’m going to be taping myself. yes, i’m going to be a youtube/myspace/camwhore. well, maybe not. i haven’t really decided if i’ll post online or not. i’ve already bought a 500 gb external hard drive for the editing and such. i was due for more space. in any case, i figure it’s something i should do for the experience alone. it involves my creative, technical and business sides all in one package. who knows what’ll come from this?

hoping to sell my soul for fame . . . i completely belong in l.a.

i still haven’t read the iov boards. i want to, but my ocd of checking everything i’ve missed is going to kill me. i realize that the longer i leave it, the worse it gets, i just can’t get around to facing the hundreds upon hundreds of threads and posts i have to catch up on.

i’m still having dreams involving meeting incubus, or seeing them again, making them late for concerts because i’m trading cell numbers with them. unfortunately, along with the amazing incubus dreams comes some really messed up war/ex-boyfriend dreams. i’d write about them, but it really is for the best if i don’t. far, far too personal and destructive to be public.

i want a champagne slushee. those were good.

why is it so hard to find a decent guy anywhere? everyone says my standards are too high but that’s bullshit. then when i do date someone, they’re not good enough for me. which is it people? i guess i do have high standards concerning looks. they have to be at least 6′ or look that tall. i’m not going to continue to list what i’m looking for in a guy because i can basically sum it up in two words: brandon boyd. i stray a little within attributes, but that type is pretty much it. i’m such a sucker for longer hair, but only if it’s done right. although, it does surprise me how many guys can pull off the right look.

i’m just babbling because i’m lonely and my dreams have an amazing power to set back any progress i’ve made. i really need to move to l.a. the second i’m done paying my debts, i’m gone. that’s all there is to it.

i desperately need to move far, far away and just start fresh. keep in contact with the few ‘real’ friends and never see the others again. thats sounds so refreshing and it would be a huge relief. i’d also be rid of constant reminders of certain somebodies and others who cause anger/hatred. i want to drop the life i’ve lived, pick up somewhere else and find my true self along the way.

unfortunately, it won’t be happening any time soon. thanks to my semi-addiction to the internet, part of my problem is my doing. argh! so indecisive always. nothing pleases me completely. i want both and all of the above.

i laugh at people that assume things. then i never talk to them again unless i want something. they’re so dumb and i hate them, but it’s hilarious. one of these days i’m just going to say what everyone thinks. i can do it now since it would have absolutely no repercussions. i’ll save it for when i move. it shall be my house warming gift to myself. a few well worded letters and a face to face confrontation will do nicely. maybe i’ll even get to see tears or get a bitchslap in. one can only wait and dream until that day . . . sometimes, i really love me.

the title says it all and so has the action itself. big changes up ahead.

my goal for a year from now: move to los angeles. seriously, i have to get the hell out of here and move to the states where there are major cities right next to each other instead of hundreds of kilometres away. i’ll also be glad to be rid of winter for a while. i like snow, but it only hinders me and the things i want to do. i don’t like any winter sports, nor am i good at them. the only one i enjoy is skating and i haven’t done that properly in a long time. that can always be done in an arena anyway. it’s better there.

i am not in the mood or mindset to write an exam. i’ve been in la la land since friday. i can’t blame me. i mean, i’m going to meet my favourite band of all time. i’ve been on incubus overload and it’s still not enough. i feel stupid, but it’s really made me want to change things around.

i’m hoping i get a job on thursday. that would be sweet. i know where all my money’s going to go.

i’m gettng the hell out of here, asap!

p.s. i believe half of this entry was written with a slight bitter taste in my mouth. i’ll probably calm down later, or realize how right i was. ugh, i hate this feeling. i wish i knew what to do. i also need to take my pill. that’s probably also a huge factor in my bitter craziness.