i don’t even know where to begin. it was so good that it was almost anticlimactic in the way that they were exactly how they seem to be, so i got exactly what i was expecting. they lived up to my expectations so it only makes my fantasies and dreams a reality instead of dashing them to pieces. i only wish i had talked to b more and more directly like i did with everyone else. he was busy with old friends, so i didn’t want to bother him much. sitting next to him and listening to him right there was more than enough. oh yeah, and the stroking of my arm and the perfect hair. i shared a cigarette with ben. he got me a glass of wine too. then i had a beer with mike and he showed me their tour bus. they had plum pie on the counter.

i’ll write more later. i didn’t take any pictures because i didn’t want to be all ‘take a picture with me’. plus we were told not to take pictures and even though i know i could’ve, i still didn’t want to be all fan-ish.

i’m just glad i had really good conversations with interesting, intelligent people. it was almost like being with old friends. i felt that accepted and appreciated. i felt happier and more acceptance with a bunch of strangers (celebrities at that) than i do any one else, excluding family and one or two people. oh memories.

best night of my life . . . until the next time.

because the only reason i’m going to sleep is so i can wake up and sing/belt my little heart out to various musicals and operas without worrying about volume. sometimes i really wonder if i should just do it and forget about having a steady decent income. hah!

update: why am i still up? i’m not tired but i have to work tonight and i know i’ll be exhausted if i try to pull an all nighter. i think i’m just excited at having new singing material. not sleeping will make me sound like crap though, so i should sleep, even if it’s just a little.

as soon as i have enough money, i’m going to change my hair dramatically. i’m going to go to a fancy salon and tell the hairdresser to do whatever they think would look best on me. the one condition is it has to be something i’ve never done before. i always have these phases of wanting to change my appearance, but i believe i really need it now.

i need to sing or write or some sort of release. i still haven’t gotten incredibly and stupidly drunk. i haven’t had the money. also, for some reason i just can’t get drunk with the asian crew. i suppose it’s because they have a few drinks and they’re already drunk, so i’d have to keep drinking by myself to get sloshed. maybe i’ll go all out on 420. i know there’ll be at least one day with kathy where we’ll get depressingly drunk.

i plan on not remembering the first week of may. i don’t care how or who with but i will be drunk/intoxicated for at least four of the seven nights of that week. i guess i have that to look forward to. also, my birthday week should be fantastic. being with tal will brighten my spirits, but being in seattle will change me. that’s if i can remember any of it, which i should since the poor girl is supposed to be working (and she will be *shakes fist*) not partying with me.

it’s funny, i get whole periods of days where i really don’t care anymore; it’s just another event in my life that happened and passed and it doesn’t mean anything to me now. and then i’ll get days like these where i’m on the verge of tears from seeing a picture of him taken so long ago. i was even thinking about the problems today and how they’re unfixable: that’s just the way he is and i either have to accept it, or find someone else who isn’t like that. yet, i still want him back. maybe it’s because i refuse to believe that there’s anything better for me. i deserve to feel uncertain and neglected because i hate myself and that’s the best i can do. let’s be honest, the blame isn’t on him. i expected a lot without actually voicing what i wanted. but there’s still this part of me that screams to be given a second chance. i want to do it right. do it the way i always wanted to, but never did for some unknown reason. do it as the non-screwed up whitney.

the entire time i didn’t know (and still don’t know) whether it was my problem, his problem or a combination of the two. when we got it right, it was so right. i guess now is the time when i find out what went wrong. there are so many variables, i still think it’s impossible to know.

i always wanted more. more time, more attention, more everything. it made sense to me that given his situation and feelings toward certain people during certain times, he’d rather be with me than them. but that wasn’t the case. he chose them, so of course that led me to be confused and hurt on numerous occasions. since we never talked to each other on the phone, i thought he’d want to talk to me every time he came online. i wanted to talk to him. okay, so that one was more me, but for the last three years, i’ve barely talked to him first. why would i change now? the way i saw it was if i talked to him first i could be bugging him, so i’d just wait until he had time/wanted to talk to me. yeah, i know it’s stupid, but i hate myself remember? so i think why waste someone’s time. i’ll let them come to me. i know, i know i should’ve given in for that one and it was dumb, but there are so many other things that i changed or gave up too. i think that was one of the main problems. we both felt like we’d given so much and the other one didn’t appreciate it or know about it. but how were we supposed to appreciate it when we didn’t say what we were sacrificing? relationships are simple; people are complicated.

my doctor upped my medication again. she didn’t want me to relapse. she also gave me some information for a therapist. not so much for advice, just for someone to listen and agree. kind of like this, but an actual person that responds immediately. we’ll see how that goes later.

i’d proof read this, but i know i’d end up deleting half of it. there are some final statements i want to make though. i don’t blame him for what happened. i don’t blame me either. we both did things we shouldn’t have and didn’t do things we should have. even after all the analyzing and realization of major problems, i still want to be with him. he’s an amazing person, i still love him and i learned that relationships are never, ever perfect, even in the beginning. they take so much work, but it only does anything if you show it.

i’m no longer pissed off at everything. i am still confused and disillusioned. maybe i will have a rebound relationship. actually pick someone who i know i won’t fall in love with, but completely adores me. it’s not mean if they know what i’m doing and they don’t care. that’s a little far fetched, so maybe i’ll just stick to my wonderful fantasy. i wish i could fall as hard as i did in november.

i can’t seem to get that feeling back. the fake is so obvious in comparison to the real. to think, i couldn’t shed a tear based on my current problems because i was so preoccupied with the impossible. the amount of clarity that comes with hindsight amazes me. i still kind of believe everything i said then, but it’s not so frenzied, so chaotically focused.

i’m definitely going for the other fantasy that scared me a little bit when i thought it could be happening. love isn’t easy and it’s far from perfect. what i had was worth all of it. it’s worth what i’m going through right now.

i need money. i’ve been handing/sending out resumes like crazy, so hopefully something will materialize from that. in spite of my lack of money, i still want to go out. anyone doing anything soon?

bed now, i suppose, to wake up for lunch.

it’s killing me to be alone right now, but i don’t want just anyone’s company. i only want to be with him. i feel so anxious right now. i kind of want to play ffviii, but it also makes me terribly lonely. i just want my jeff back. i have never felt like this before. i’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. i’m dying a tiny piece at a time. i want to be in windsor, right now!

i wonder if i want him back so badly just because i can’t have him. or just so no one else can have him. i hate thoughts like that because i don’t know if they’re just passing truths or key motives. it’s only been a week since the shit really hit the fan, so i don’t know why i keep expecting things to be fine. i guess it’s because i kind of already went through this three months ago. i thought i had prepared myself. i was eager and willing to accept the changes that seemed inevitable. then i found out what was going on and it wasn’t right. it wasn’t right or fair to end it like that. with that being the main reason and catalyst of our demise. and for it to be delivered in such a way by her of all people. there are only two others who would’ve made me madder.

i always imagined our relationship fizzling out; both of us realizing that we’d become friends more than anything else. i don’t think i’d ever leave though. i’m just that way. i’m greedy and have multiple sides, so i’ll always love what i have but want more as well. i don’t want to give up anything. i don’t stop loving. i’m sure it changes, but probably only after i’ve loved someone else. i can’t really be certain since i’ve only loved two people. at least i thought i loved the other person at the time.

i don’t like being single. it’s very lonely. i don’t like this whole situation. i hate being so unsure of everything. stupid transitional periods. i need video games to distract me. who wants to buy me a ps2 and/or a wii? that will temporarily get me through this phase. that’s my thinking anyway. i’ve been craving a new system for a while. not just new games, but other games.

i need a job. a job where it’s not really like working. i could do boring office work, retail job with no customers or bartending. those are my ideal jobs at the moment. the fewer hours the better, because i really just need the money to get me by.

i’m going to end up being anorexic or something by the end of this whole fiasco. it drives me insane not being allowed to be his. that lack of control over things is maddening. the fact that there’s nothing i can do at all to change things is infuriating. this is why i have to make up a future scenario. i shouldn’t, especially considering what i’ve made it up to be, but it helps me deal with this lack of options. it gives me something to do. i’m scared to think what will happen when he finds someone new. i will have absolutely nothing left.

this entry may seem kind of psycho. i like to think i’m just being bitterly honest. meh. why should i care? i do need help, i just can’t afford it.

you know that acceptance feeling i had? i was right, it did have to do with lack of sleep and food. it took a couple of meals to go through my system before i started feeling ‘normal’ again.* maybe it was just because it was warmer outside and smelled like him.

everything about this hurts so much. i don’t want to do this anymore. i just want to be with him and be happy. i hate thinking about it all the time. it takes me roughly an hour to get to school on the bus and to get home afterwards. that’s two hours of nothing but sitting alone and thinking about everything that’s happened. when i get off the bus, an hour’s worth of me has died. and the loneliness is unbelievable. and the guilt. as much as i don’t want to hurt him anymore, a part of me does want him to be affected by this. i want it to mean as much to him as it does to me. of course, because i feel this way, guilt comes along with it. this is too damn hard.

i don’t know what i’ll do when the day actually does come. i can’t imagine having a good time because a part of me will be looking for him. i wish i could get drunk and forget all my problems. there are two things wrong with it: 1. i don’t have the money and 2. drinking would probably just make me wallow even more so. i’d be the contemplative, depressed drunk. i’m sure some crying would be involved and anyone who was with me wouldn’t like me from then on in. the only plan i can think that i would enjoy isn’t a good one in the long run. it’s also not fair to either of us. why does my answer seem so easy? why isn’t love enough?

here i am trying to be a better person and be a better friend to someone who completely backstabbed me. i don’t argue that what i did was wrong, but at least have the decency to tell me you’ve decided to ruin my life. i really don’t know if i can ever really forgive her. what she did has no moral reason whatsoever. i’m sure in her twisted head what she did was right, but it’s wrong on as many levels as it was right. last time i checked, a relationship was between two people, not two people and whoever thinks they know what’s best.

i had another dream last night. he was being stubborn and i was mad at him. i was quite mad, but not so mad that i couldn’t see past it. in my dream i had this epiphany of knowing that although i was so mad at him, i still really loved him and i was glad that he was with me. it was one of those moments when you realize that being mad is stupid and it doesn’t really matter anyway. i miss everything about him.

*nothing makes you lose weight quite like the break up diet. it may be the only positive thing right now. it’s the least healthy diet ever (it’s basically anorexia, maybe even bulimia given the right time of day) but it seems to work. i know, i’m going to hell and i’m fucked up in all the right ways.