obliviously obvious

so i just had a really nice dream. it was weird because although we were apart in it, we still acted the same. i knew in my head that we weren’t together, or did i? i think i’m more confused than my brain can recognize. i’m really beginning to believe that i’ve been mentally damaged beyond my ability to see it. i almost feel like i’m in a deep state of denial. i just can’t figure out how i’m supposed to feel. i’m certain i still love the guy and the only difference from then to now is i have no obligation to him and i can’t expect certain things. i guess this is more like a forced paradigm shift than anything else. man, i am screwed up.

before i had to trust that it was there. now i have to remind myself it’s not there. stupid feelings. why are they so tortuous? some therapy may be in order. why couldn’t i have had a dream like that in the two weeks that things were bad? it’s all so frustratingly stupid and avoidable. waiting it out seems the only thing to do. even if another ‘jeff‘ existed, i don’t think it would change my outlook like it did the last time.

anyway, it’s a quarter to six and i have class at nine, so i should probably try to get more sleep.

i think i might be there. it could just be because i’ve been up for i-don’t-know-how-many hours, or because i’m surprisingly focused(a good thing) on this presentation i have to finish, but i can’t seem to get as sad about it right now. i still have this weird pain in my stomach, like an emptiness or i’ve been winded, but when i think about the past it kind of makes me happy in a wistful way. i’m still sad and it still hurts but he’s still in my life and i’m more than grateful for that.

it was special, wonderful, beautiful, amazing and the happiest time of my (somewhat short) life. i probably shouldn’t be writing so much in this euphoric state. as soon as i come crashing down from my lack of sleep and food, i’ll be depressed and aching even more. ah, what the heck. i think a lot of what hurts is missing him. just the simple feeling of wanting him in my life. also, a deep longing for things to straighten out and be less complicated. i don’t want to feel anxious about being by myself and i shouldn’t. i can’t help him any more by being his lover than when i’m not. things just have to be and they’re awful, but i hope i can still bring a small amount of happiness into his life.

i guess i’m realizing it’s over, i’m incredibly happy that it happened and i’m starting to see that the future won’t be a desolate wasteland of misery. i’m not moving on, i’m just not staying still.

i can’t find anything to stop this pain. i’m tired, but i can’t sleep. i’m hungry, but i can’t eat. i don’t want to watch, read or do anything. i don’t want to cry anymore, but it’s the only thing that comes easily. that and the memories. the memories pop up with every thought. i think about watching futurama or the simpsons and i remember a certain part that he liked, or jokes he’d make from them. that’s such a lame example, but it just happened so it was fresh in my mind. or from before we were even officially together at the prom after party. the joy of just being with him, sitting in the same room and knowing that he cared.

i’m scared that i’ll never be able to really let go because i’m so in love with the memories. if i could live in those moments, i would gladly do so in a heartbeat.

i really don’t know what to do with myself. i keep trying to go upstairs to eat something, but i can’t do it. i only slept yesterday because i took a very potent mix of gravol and two extra strength tylenol. plus, all the sobbing drains a person. i’m sorry for ruining the night and for talking about it ’til 7am, but i had to do it. without it, i couldn’t let go.

emotions are a funny thing. they’re really based on nothing, yet we can’t really control them. even if i could stop caring, i don’t know if i’d want to. i can’t stop loving a person who deserves to be loved. but i have let go. i promised myself that if this ever happened, i would let it end. i’m sorry for holding on for so long, i just really had to know that it couldn’t be saved and that this was the best route. it was selfish. i’m selfish.

this whole thing just raises so many questions about who and what i am. i think it’s time i found out by myself. i have to love myself first. it’s true. i’m self-destructive to the core and i have to stop.

now is my favourite time of all: the transitional period! it’ll be a ball this time around. i’m really looking forward to the day when i can love him without needing to be with him. i just can’t do it now.

i can see it happening and i feel sick. i will bet myself $5 that it will happen in the next three-four months. how is it happening so soon? boo. i don’t want to be done fighting yet. i’m so against this, but at the same time i should just let go. i hate this. i wish it wasn’t my fault. i wish it had ended happily. is there such a thing? i don’t think so.

i don’t want to be here anymore and i have 6+ hours. i was supposed to go to a leafs game tonight, but i’m giving it up for work. it better last for at least a half hour otherwise i’ll be pretty pissed. maybe it’s just the lack of sleep.

another thing, i don’t have internet at home right now. also, i didn’t bring my power cord to school because i thought i was going home at 11:30, but i’m not so now my battery will run out in about an hour and a half.

i’m too tired to not have something to entertain me. i’m too tired to care, but the tiredness makes me care more.

first: when i move my chair in a certain way, it sounds like a bird chirp. hmm, it’s not doing it anymore. maybe it was just a three time thing.

i seem to be ranging between the second and fourth stages now. nope, it’s the first four still. i’m in that range and get waves of all of them given a certain action or time of day. i really need to talk about this in order to move on. i think there’s only one person who would believe the amount of psychological rapage this has done to me. i don’t want to say ‘i don’t know who i am anymore,’ but that’s the extent that it is. it’s affected every thing but my personality, i think. the relationship did in some aspects, of course, but the break-up no. i’m having a really hard time dealing with how i should feel about him. with that also comes a new confusion about love. i can’t remember how it felt when i thought i was in love before, so i have nothing to compare it to. actually, when i compare what i do remember to this time around, the first time doesn’t seem like love. i can’t really be sure of what this is either. i’ve felt it for so long, i don’t know if it’s still what its supposed(?) to be. then there’s my moral conscience to deal with. if i really felt what i thought i felt, i shouldn’t have done it, right? i didn’t share the feelings, i only shared what’s associated with those feelings. i still shouldn’t have done it.

i’m just trying to sort this whole mess in my head. i guess i’m trying to learn something from it. help me see the positive side? help me to analyze it which turns it into a psychological problem and removes the emotions from it therefore helps me to get over it? i think about the feelings as concepts instead of ‘what i’m feeling’. it also keeps the memories away.

i don’t know if i can disassociate this feeling from him. which means i’d have to feel differently about the next person. i guess i will. or maybe only then i’ll be able to disassociate it. this is why i can’t be friends with exes while i’m single. because if i still love them, i don’t end it. again with the moral conscience. i hate my brain.

i’m such a hopeless romantic and serial monogamist that you’d think i’d be in love with the idea of marriage. i am to a certain extent, but i don’t think you need anyone else’s permission to say you want to be with someone forever. *sigh* so many arguments and problems come up but i still want to try. i know there’s no perfect, and what i had was so good, it was worth all the ‘problems’ that people said. it was worth the work. it was bad timing and bad decisions. i’ve always been horrible at making decisions. if i could just go back four months i know exactly what i’d do differently. hindsight is twenty-twenty.

i always think i’m so close to being ready to start to move on and then i’ll have a day like today. oh well. i guess i shouldn’t be expecting that so soon. blah.

tonight seems to be a better night. that means i’m not sobbing uncontrollably to every single thing that reminds me of him, which is every thing. i’m only shedding a tear here and there. it comes and goes i guess. i woke up today and couldn’t feel anything. it scared me. i thought directly of old memories and current developments, of feelings lost and pain inflicted, but nothing. it made everything meaningless. i guess then as i woke up more and started existing in the real world, i became sad again.

i may be stupid for this, but i’m not giving up. some things are just too precious. i’m going to beat this dead horse until it’s good and, well, beaten. even if it means it’s like starting over again (or it actually is starting all over again due to time or what have you).

i’m hoping time will help. one way or another it will. or it may hinder. it has already. again, another decision where i can only find out what happens by choosing one and seeing the outcome, leaving the other completely out of the question. i just feel like this wasn’t something that could end it.

i don’t know. i have these moments of thinking ‘yeah, i’m okay. it was good and now it’s time to move on,’ but then i think i’m just deluding myself. as if i haven’t really accepted it and i’m just going back to my ‘jeff’ mentality, for lack of a better term, but without any jeff. it all goes back to him being the majority of my thoughts for the past few years. it’s not only love i have to stop, but a habit i have to break. the first things i think of or associate things with are him. it’s just second nature now. even if i truly wanted to, i don’t know how i’d stop doing that.

i’m probably being too honest now. there are things i have to say. and i think it’s for the best if they’re said sooner rather than later. time has caused a bigger hurt than needed. the change from then to now could’ve been stopped, i think. i hope it’s not too late.

god, i’m retarded. oh the first, it’ll be a heart breaker for a while now.