obliviously obvious

i’m writing this here so i have to see it and be reminded a lot. my goal is to fit into my lace purple dress for my birthday. no exceptions, that’s just what i’m aiming for. if i don’t quite get there in time (it’s only three weeks. oy) it’ll be ok as long as i’m close. i guess a secondary goal will be my fat jeans being too big for me.

two things that piss me off: what’s the point in having glorious,  healthy looking hair that’s so long that people assume it’s extensions? even if i get a chance to tell them it’s real, they don’t believe me. same goes for my boobs. lousy cynical people and not thinking there are actual real people in the world these days.

i think i’m going to go back to school for journalism. i’d like to go into computer programming but that would mean having to take a grade twelve math to get in and then more maths while actually in the program. it’s not so much that i don’t think i could do it; i could, it would just mean a lot more work than i’m willing to put in. hmm, but then i wonder if maybe i should push myself. i also know me and math just don’t get along. i have never once had an epiphany moment in math where i suddenly got it. even if i did, as soon as i moved into the next step, my new found realizations were shown to be false.

the big hurdle with journalism is deadlines. i am not a timely person. hopefully, by being in a work situation that forces the exact opposite of what i am, i might change my ways . . . or get fired.  i don’t want that one flaw to stop me from doing something i think i’d be really good at.

so my plan is to apply to college programs for september and see how that pans out. there’s a lot of work involved with just applying, like getting my transcripts and sending them out to the right places and all the research i have to do to see which programs i want to apply to.  also, there’s the whole dilemma of what i apply as: mature student, transfer, or high school? depending on that, i have to send different things to different people and/or take classes/tests to see if i can get in/get credit etc.

i have about a month before the deadline = a month to get my shit together and contact places to get the facts straight. here’s to my future . . . ?

so the last few weeks i haven’t been actively searching for a job because i hate looking for jobs and i haven’t had an updated resume on my main computer in a while. now, of course, i’m starting to run out of funds. also, i can’t stand living at home anymore. as soon as my parents get home i become this stressed out, irritated harpy. i want to move downtown but you have to have a job before a place will let you move in but i don’t really want to commute from ’sauga every day for a 9-5 job because that will take a lot of time and money especially now that mississauga transit is $3.00 a pop. f-ing bastards. i should just become a hippy/bum and move to california.

there are lots of jobs out there, but they all want shit loads of experience for $10-12/hr. what the fuck are they thinking? gah. i’m just so frustrated with this whole situation. i know i should just get some shitty office job and make money for a year but i really start to go insane after about three months of doing the same pointless shit over and over. maybe if i was in some sort of career, i might not want to slit my throat or the people’s around me every day.

bartending is just as bad. they expect you to be a bartender and a waitress for minimum wage and you have to be sunshine and unicorns pouring out of your ass happy all the time otherwise you’re not a good enough ambassador for their shitty chain. shit. i know companies expect a comittment but that doesn’t mean i have to be super happy about doing a shitty job that no one else wants.

i just don’t get it. i can’t deal in this world. i can’t fake it. i can’t take it. fuck. i’m going to end up a bum because i hate people and most people don’t get me and i just don’t get them. if you’re told to make conversation with me, don’t ask me what my favourite fucking colour is. that’s the most stupid and inane shit i’ve ever heard. honestly, what do you expect my response to be? what the fuck kind of conversation is going to come out of that? maybe if i was some fucking dipshit i’d say ‘oh, i love pink. i’d have everything pink if i could. it just makes me so happy that i want to anally rape myself’. well, maybe not that last part.

back in canada. looking for a job. trying to pay off debts. the usual. i want to change my theme, but i can’t be bothered to look for something decent. maybe if i’m bored and desperate enough in the near future.

rome was awesome. i wish i was still there. i gained too much weight though. the trip back was a nightmare and about eight hours longer than it should’ve been. swiss air is amazing though. great food, service, entertainment and super comfortable.

possibly moving out soon. definitely getting an alaskan klee kai in the next five years. hooray.

i’ve started this entry so many times. i don’t even know where to begin. my life’s been a whirlwind since i last wrote. i guess i’ll just write down the facts and skip over the emotions for now, if not forever.

end of september/beginning of october my granddad went into the hospital because he was really sick and we thought it was food poisoning because it had lasted about four days. before i continue, i should point out that he was healthy and only fifty-eight years old. not my biological granddad, but no one knows where that bastard is, so he’s the only granddad i’ve known my whole life. anyway, he had to have surgery to remove a blockage in his intestine. turns out it was cancer. not just regular cancer, but stage four terminal cancer. the surgeon said he thought my granddad had until the end of the year, if that. he lasted another three weeks and (it was somehow) surprisingly died on october seventeenth.

it was/is a really difficult time for my family, my nana especially. there’s also a whole bunch of other family stuff that doesn’t make it any better, but it’s not my place to spill our family problems.

i suppose i go on to now: i’m in rome. i’ve been here since november tenth. it’s pretty great. i’m in a great place with amazing people and i’m so very lucky and happy. i guess if i’m really honest, i’ll admit that i’ve had quite a few dreams involving my granddad and his death. i’ve been lucky to have good people supporting me through that too. i’m still just slightly numb on the whole subject.

i’m in europe until december twenty-ninth. quite a bit of time left. i’m glad. i need the break. from everything. sorry, i guess i just haven’t really been thinking about it and writing about it now is opening it all up again.

in any case, i have to go prepare some dinner and then make apple crumble.