obliviously obvious

i just found pure gold. i love how great i am at being evil. while it’s still gold, it’s not nearly as bad as i thought it would be. hammy and typical, but not really ‘bad’ per se. i can say for certain that i am not a singer for musicals.

that is the time as it stands right now. why am i up? i don’t really know. i have class at noon, so now i’m torn between trying to sleep for five-six hours or just staying up and then trying to make it through my 7-10 class and pass out. that would, theoretically, put me back into a regular sleeping pattern. however, whenever i’ve done that in the past, i somehow manage to just stay up for thirty-six plus hours. i’ll look at the clock and it’ll be 4 am and i’ll have no idea how i’ve managed to do it when i was practically passing out six hours earlier. there are far too many numbers in that paragraph.

i’ve been doing something entirely naughty and completely contradictory to my new ‘focus on myself’ plan. i think i’m doing a really good job though. as much as i want back in and miss it ever so dearly, i am having no trouble whatsoever distinguishing past feelings from current. at this very moment, it all seems so distant, as if it happened to someone else. i guess it kind of did. that sentence has two meanings. i wonder if i’ll be able to decipher my vagueness later on. maybe this next paragraph will help.

i’ve come to realize (why it’s only hitting me now, i have no clue) that everyone, absolutely everyone has changed their mind about their future more than a few times. the best people in my life (and the worst for that matter, hehe) completely changed what they were doing. there have been so many transitions. it’s lovely. i love it. i think i’m having misguided feelings. that or i’m just overtired.

in some good news, i have another job interview on thursday. it’s at yuk yuk’s in mississauga as a bartender. i hope i get it. i need the money and that seems like a decent place to work. it’s kind of related to my field too, so i can always try to make some connections.

i want back in so badly. what’s wrong with me? i suppose i only have myself to blame, with my naughty habit developing again, and my excessively saccharine dreams as of late. damn their realness. maybe that’s why i’m not sleeping. when i don’t get enough sleep, i don’t dream and then i have nothing with which to taunt myself. so, the dilemma again arises as it was never answered before: sleep or stay up all night? i’ll try to sleep and if it doesn’t happen by 6:30, the point is moot. moot i say!

i desperately need to move far, far away and just start fresh. keep in contact with the few ‘real’ friends and never see the others again. thats sounds so refreshing and it would be a huge relief. i’d also be rid of constant reminders of certain somebodies and others who cause anger/hatred. i want to drop the life i’ve lived, pick up somewhere else and find my true self along the way.

unfortunately, it won’t be happening any time soon. thanks to my semi-addiction to the internet, part of my problem is my doing. argh! so indecisive always. nothing pleases me completely. i want both and all of the above.

i laugh at people that assume things. then i never talk to them again unless i want something. they’re so dumb and i hate them, but it’s hilarious. one of these days i’m just going to say what everyone thinks. i can do it now since it would have absolutely no repercussions. i’ll save it for when i move. it shall be my house warming gift to myself. a few well worded letters and a face to face confrontation will do nicely. maybe i’ll even get to see tears or get a bitchslap in. one can only wait and dream until that day . . . sometimes, i really love me.

everything. but as if to answer my question and laugh in my face about it, life has decided to make my audio drivers stop working. well, that was weird. now they’re fine.

is it possible that i’m only just beginning to go through the anger stage now? no, i’d wager it’s wonderful pms. this is the same feeling i’d get when i was still with the guy. how can he still have this kind of control? this is not cool.

fuck benny goodman. learning about dead people is not going to help me promote a band. sorry if this is too random, i haven’t exactly been in a linear head space as of late.

i spent my weekend trying to control my endless sobbing. every single thing made me cry. i watched ‘my best friend’s wedding’ and i cried at everything. i watched ’shallow hal’ and i cried at that too. yeah, see? totally crazy! then i listened to imogen heap songs on repeat. they made me cry. i saw some pictures that made me cry. even watching something that i’m not going to name made me cry. it’s not usually the type of media that makes one cry, but i did.

at the moment, i think i’m all cried out. i’m definitely in more of a pissed off mood. only talk to me while drunk eh? well fuck you. my dreams don’t help. they only enhance my fears and make me live scenarios in which i’m livid. i also have to do a stupid project that is so frustratingly boring! i don’t care one bit. i cannot wait for the break at the end of april. i need that week off so badly.

i’m kind of liking this whole anger thing. it helps me not want him. it reminds me of all the things that drove me nuts when we were together. i’m almost back to how i felt when i was on the fence about breaking it off. all the sappy, romantic, loving, good memories mean shit to me right now. wow, i am seriously messed. not twelve hours ago i was barely able to stop myself from crying at just the thought of jeff. now i feel nothing.

okay, i’m going to sleep and i’ll probably have some heart wrenching dream that’ll make me desperate to be with him again. oy.

update – now i know what’s wrong. but i don’t want to say it because then that would only validate it and make it worse. i hate emotions.

the hatred is overwhelming. i’m actually finding myself disgusted.

this is the first time in a long time when i’ve felt tired enough to just pass out. i’ll test the theory and see the outcome. mm, sleep.

what kind of a loser cries because they can’t get into a party? the hilton loser that every one’s been in, of course.

normally i don’t care enough about these things to post them, but i’m in a particularly downtrodden mood at the moment, so any sense of other people’s misery is uplifting.