i messed things up again. i hate this feeling. and i hate that he goes to her. she’s not a good friend. a good friend wouldn’t have done what she did. i’m probably just jealous. i just want to move far away and start fresh with a clean slate. go somewhere and start something where if i mess up, it doesn’t matter and i can just leave without any major consequences.

right now i just want to shut off my brain and forget everything. i really need to start therapy. i’m not getting better, which became blatantly clear last night. i also think it has to do with going from everything to nothing with no support system for the interim.  no communication, no closure, nothing.

my mom wants to take me for my blood tests tomorrow. i’m fairly certain i’ll pass out. just the thought of feeling blood leave me makes me woozy and i have to lie down.

hopefully i’ll have a good time tomorrow. industry party at the drake, although i think the location’s been changed. i’m not sure if i dreamed it or if i was told when i was drunk. i hate that. so many times. the best part is i can’t very well say ’sorry, i dreamed that i sent you the assignment, that’s why you never got it.’ who’s going to believe that? they really are that vivid. a blessing and a curse; latter in more recent times than i care for.

the point is, i hate what i did and that i always get like that. it causes nothing but guilt and anxiety for myself. more than that, i hate that it hurts other people too. boo. sucks to me.

as you may or may not know from my msn name, i’ve been feeling rather apathetic lately about, oh well, let’s say everything. because of this wonderful bout of laziness and all around lack of caring for anything, i’ve been led into a rather steep spiral of screwing myself academically. ‘will i ever learn?’ the girl asks herself, hoping that she will and somehow pull herself out of this dreary mess and move on to something else without being in more debt for no good reason. ignore that little foray into third person-like narrative.

i suppose you could say that i lost the internship. i still hope to go for it at another time in the near future, but due to school scheduling (or lack there of) i can’t go. the fact that it’s in the middle of ass nowhere doesn’t help either. i guess in some twisted (read:stupid) way, i blamed school for holding me back and not allowing me to pursue something that looked ever hopeful in this barren wasteland that is my life. so, being the smart person that i am, my way around it was to not go to school or the internship and make doubly sure that i erased any possible chance of not wasting large sums of money.

i regret going to this school. i should’ve stuck to my guns and said it was too much money. the only thing for me now is to try my best not to fail out and move on; concede to my mistake, take it where it hurts most and hope that some good can come out of it. even if it is just an internship.

this was originally going to say that my lack of posts was to be corrected by a photo entry of all my current (ha! i typed cutter. *sigh* get over it you silly girl) purchases, but i guess i got carried away with my tangential absentee reasoning. the next one will be fun.

more pictures + less words = fun and happiness for all.

it is now 6:30am and i’m still awake. i’m really tired, but i’ve been keeping myself awake for some unknown reason. it probably has to do with sadness and missing people. ew. i don’t want to, i just can’t help it. i almost feel like i’ve come full circle and i’m right back where i started before anything happened.

sleep or all-nighter? i’m going to choose sleep because 1. i hope to have dreams that will help me cope and 2. i have to work tonight.

at least i had fun going out drinking my free bacardi 151. nothing quite like having your bill being paid for you. good times.

i don’t want to go to school unless i’m singing at it!

everything’s starting to go my way (sort of) but i’m not even close to being happy. i think i keep buying things on ebay as a way to fill an emotional hole. it’s cliche, i know, but that’s what i’m doing. i’m trying to buy my happiness.

lately, the only thing i’ve been doing that’s made me really happy was singing. when i’m not singing, i’m eagerly counting down the minutes until i can sing again or my next ebay auction closes. at least i accomplished something vocally this weekend.

i finally discovered my chest (belt) voice. well, i always had it but now i know i have it. yes, i can hit the f above high c using it. am i damaging my vocal cords? it’s a possibility, especially because i tend not to warm up (it’s terrible, i know), but my vocal cords feel fine. i actually had an easier time the second day than the first, so i guess there was immediate improvement.

now that i have a job, i should look into vocal lessons. it bothers me that i have no vibrato. i’ve read that if singing correctly and with enough air etc. it should come naturally. that’s never happened to me. maybe i just can’t hear it. nobody’s ever said/asked me about it during lessons, practice or what have you. it actually really bothers me. i’m probably not using enough air. that can’t be it.

i’m not happy. what do i need to do? what can i do?

why do i always get the courage, or enough craziness/stupidity to say things when i can’t? not that saying anything changes things. when will this stop being such a tormenting force in my life? my heart keeps breaking over and over. i can’t move on. it’s too far from the familiar.

i’m not a ’single’ person. i grew up wanting to be a twin, for crying out loud. how’s that for dependency issues? if i haven’t been in a relationship, i’ve yearned for one. my focus was the guy i wanted to be with. that’s so ridiculous because that goes against everything else i am, but it’s how i’ve always been. i am one big fleeting errant contradiction.

people believe that i’ll get through this. it’s early still, but i don’t know if i will. the blocks i keep hitting aren’t going away. it’ll be one of those time things, but i’ll die a thousand times before i heal.

i don’t want to be sad anymore. i don’t want to care about what he’s doing or his life or anything. i’m sick of being jealous of nothing. i’m tired of remembering that i no longer have a right to know or feel anything related to him.

in other news, i contacted a modeling agency and they want me to go in for an interview. i think they just set up shop and are wrangling anyone they can get, so it’s nothing to get excited about. i still desperately need a job. another thing i’m getting tired of is sending my resume to four places a day and not getting any replies. i also hate interviews because it’s the same old crap over and over and it’s so tiring. it’s hard to be cheery and peppy while repeating the exact same information that is clearly written on the resume and work sheet i filled out, and i just stated for a similar interview a couple of hours earlier. why do i seem to have to do the things i hate the most? if it involves tedium and fakeness i have to do it millions of times. i never get to sing or talk about interesting concepts over and over. what the hell is that about?

hmm, so i now have an open window. do i jump?

i finally got a chance to run it into the ground. i’m fairly certain i’m in the depression stage now. it’s hard to care so much about a person and not be able to love them. it is the best thing right now, but it still hurts. everything hurts. i also have the shakes and i can’t eat. this is going to take a long time. i don’t even know if i can truly get over it. i guess things are still too fresh for me to be able to accurately assess the future. so much pain and it’s not fair. he deserves so much more and better than that. i don’t know what else to write.