obliviously obvious

everyone always says remember the happy moments. be glad that you experienced love and happiness with the person. blah blah blah. well, whenever i do it hurts even more because i remember what i gave up. every wonderful, sweet memory stings like a slap in the face. maybe even more so because i’d convinced myself that we’d get through this and rebound being happier and stronger than ever.

i still haven’t fully processed it yet. every thought, every action, every thing is based on or directly connected to the past three and a half years. the music i listen to, the items in my room, my jewelry, my clothes, the games i play, the things i say. every single thing.

most of all, i miss him. i want to talk to him so badly but i no longer hold that spot. i no longer take any precedence in his life, yet he still means so much to me. i wish i could just shut it all out. it hurts more that i think he’s dealing with it better than me. that’s not fair, but i know he hasn’t spent days crying about it. and now to be fair: he deals with things differently. i think about things constantly; he doesn’t. i can’t focus on anything.

sometimes i don’t even know exactly why i’m crying. it’s like the pain is so deep, i can’t locate the source. he made me a tiger out of a coffee cup for god’s sake! how could i do what i did to someone who does that? it hurts me to know that i’ve become one of the many people to let him down. i can never be in that good place again. it also hurts to know that i’m entirely to blame for this. it’s all my fault. yes, we were semi-drifting apart beforehand, but that was fixable. a happy ending was in sight before i permanently ruined it. and even if it wasn’t, that route of eventually finding out we can’t do it together is a hell of a lot better than me hurting the most important person to me.

it’s funny how when you can’t change things, all the bad things don’t matter. i’m such a stupid bitch. but this is the way it has to be. fantasy world, here i come. it really is all i have left now.

p.s. if you don’t want to read anything like this, don’t check my site for the next couple months. this is all it’s going to be.

i’ve reached over 500 posts. . . . yay.

things will never be the same. how do i stop caring after three and a half years? this is too hard. it’s like losing my other fucking half. it wasn’t supposed to happen this way. it wasn’t supposed to happen this way at all. after all the stupid things i’d done he still cared. i was -his- ridiculous.

FUCK!

i don’t have the emotional strength to remove pictures and such, but every time i see them i cry. every thing in my life is connected to that man. how can i possibly move on? what do i do?

p.s. it’s unfair, but i wish nothing but pain upon her. i’m a cruel bitch that doesn’t deserve happiness. so i hope to spread my misery to others who deserve it.

why is it hurting so much right now? i want to beg, cry and plead to go back to what it was. it won’t change a thing. it won’t stop.

p.s. crying with waterproof mascara on hurts much more than with regular mascara.

this is the point where i’d see someone and i’d balance out. i no longer have that luxury, so i’m much more insane than usual. i’m also bitchy, irritable, short-tempered and miserable. it is not a good time for me. i can’t stop caring, but i’m scared that it’s more in the possessive sense than it should be. just another confusion to go in with the bundle.

i think i’ll go with my cure all of singing tomorrow. if i don’t, i’m really going to tear a strip off somebody. i’m supposed to be having a meeting tomorrow too. i better sing before it otherwise i might blow the deal.

i wish i knew what was happening right now. i certainly hope it’s close to what happened last time. why do i hate that fact so much? because it was half true and even more of a threat now despite the current circumstances of the other side. this is killing me.

oh god . . . it’s really over.

so the day i’ve been waiting for since november? is no longer happening. b’s throat infection is too bad and the concert has been postponed. i got the call last night and an email will probably be sent sometime this week to everyone to say what’s going to happen. i will be very, very upset if i have to give up my meet and greet tickets for a refund. i just want a show and a chance to meet the band. however, i am happy that they’re deciding to heal instead of pushing themselves. no one wants b’s voice to be perfectly safe more than me.

it seems that everyone but me is sick. a lot of people bitch about it more/make a bigger deal out of it than they should and that pisses me off. sorry, i’m just bitter over other things.

lil’s birthday party was last night. i had fun. i didn’t get drunk. i didn’t even get tipsy and gosh darn it, i tried. had a lot of interesting talks though, and that’s what my friends are really good at. of course, it led me to think about stuff. reminiscing when you’re trying to sleep on the floor alone is no good for your emotional health.

there are moments when i can handle the idea and i just want to let go. then i realize i’d just be looking for what i had. i might have to face that scenario as truth and it scares and hurts me. i miss everything so much.

i think i may have to have a singing session very soon.

p.s. god damn i need to lose weight.

what kind of a loser cries because they can’t get into a party? the hilton loser that every one’s been in, of course.

normally i don’t care enough about these things to post them, but i’m in a particularly downtrodden mood at the moment, so any sense of other people’s misery is uplifting.