so i decided to try-out for the argos cheerleading squad. i don’t expect to make it, but there’s no harm in trying. plus it’ll give me extra motivation to lose weight. i’ve let myself go in the past six months. something needs to be done and fast. it’ll be a fun two weeks trying to tone and limber myself. then i’ll get back into modelling hopefully.

at the moment, i’m going to stop procrastinating and add things to my resume so i can have a decent shot at becoming a talent scout. here goes. i hate it when i get excited about things before they even happen.

that statement may come off wrong. i’ve never disliked my skin colour or my cultural background simply because it makes me so unique. i’ve never had anyone say bad things about it, only good. however, for certain reasons i wish i looked a tiny bit more ‘white’, for lack of a better term.

there are certain looks that are hard to pull off when not white. a few examples: goth, pin-up, victorian etc. it just doesn’t fit as well with darker skin. i could probably look the part easier with blonde hair, but that kind of goes against the part too.

why do i care so much? i don’t really. i guess i just find it frustrating that my looks have limits. it’s also hard to get really brightly coloured eye make-up to stand out. i never want to put too much on because i feel like it’s exactly that: too much. later when i look at pictures or see other women, i clearly have less make-up on. i already feel like every one’s looking at me without tons of make-up, so even though it makes me happy because it completes my creative idea, i don’t do it.

i guess this all has to do with my new ‘project’. i’m really just doing it for creative purposes because i’ve stalled musically for so long and i have yet to explore the visual side. i’m kind of hoping that i can gain a new perspective and be kicked into composing again. i’m buying a camcorder and i’m going to be taping myself. yes, i’m going to be a youtube/myspace/camwhore. well, maybe not. i haven’t really decided if i’ll post online or not. i’ve already bought a 500 gb external hard drive for the editing and such. i was due for more space. in any case, i figure it’s something i should do for the experience alone. it involves my creative, technical and business sides all in one package. who knows what’ll come from this?

hoping to sell my soul for fame . . . i completely belong in l.a.

why do i always get the courage, or enough craziness/stupidity to say things when i can’t? not that saying anything changes things. when will this stop being such a tormenting force in my life? my heart keeps breaking over and over. i can’t move on. it’s too far from the familiar.

i’m not a ’single’ person. i grew up wanting to be a twin, for crying out loud. how’s that for dependency issues? if i haven’t been in a relationship, i’ve yearned for one. my focus was the guy i wanted to be with. that’s so ridiculous because that goes against everything else i am, but it’s how i’ve always been. i am one big fleeting errant contradiction.

people believe that i’ll get through this. it’s early still, but i don’t know if i will. the blocks i keep hitting aren’t going away. it’ll be one of those time things, but i’ll die a thousand times before i heal.

i don’t want to be sad anymore. i don’t want to care about what he’s doing or his life or anything. i’m sick of being jealous of nothing. i’m tired of remembering that i no longer have a right to know or feel anything related to him.

in other news, i contacted a modeling agency and they want me to go in for an interview. i think they just set up shop and are wrangling anyone they can get, so it’s nothing to get excited about. i still desperately need a job. another thing i’m getting tired of is sending my resume to four places a day and not getting any replies. i also hate interviews because it’s the same old crap over and over and it’s so tiring. it’s hard to be cheery and peppy while repeating the exact same information that is clearly written on the resume and work sheet i filled out, and i just stated for a similar interview a couple of hours earlier. why do i seem to have to do the things i hate the most? if it involves tedium and fakeness i have to do it millions of times. i never get to sing or talk about interesting concepts over and over. what the hell is that about?

hmm, so i now have an open window. do i jump?