i really should be sleeping right now because i have an interview at three and i have other stuff to do too. i fell asleep at eight pm or something ridiculous so now i can’t sleep and i’m extraordinarily hungry. i really want a job just so i can take vocal lessons again. i don’t think i’ve ever even come close to my true potential. unfortunately, i don’t know if private lessons would ever get me there either. i should probably try the rcm. i think i can make the winter session if i get a job within the month. it depresses me to think how much time i’ve wasted.

i think i really will go for a degree in music with a minor in japanese, or vice versa. although i think a major in music is easier than a major in bullshit cultural studies with some japanese language courses thrown in. meh, maybe i’ll just go to college for music and then transfer to somewhere for my masters. i guess it all starts with acquiring money.

i just realized i have three places i can go tomorrow and also a phone interview.  hmm, maybe just two places. i don’t think i can make it back past home before five. i’ll just have to see. i need a car too. bah.

i desperately need a job. why you may ask? to responsibly pay off my debts? so i can learn about finance management and pay bills? no. it’s so i can buy guitar hero III - legends of rock and the rock band special edition package. the rock band package is a sweet deal so i need to get money fast to pre-order it. come to think of it, i still need to pick up my paycheque and i have a government cheque to cash. that should cover the pre-order. should i do the responsible thing and pay things off instead? meh, i’ll do that when i have a job. there’s always christmas too. ooh, i can’t wait.

as you may or may not know from my msn name, i’ve been feeling rather apathetic lately about, oh well, let’s say everything. because of this wonderful bout of laziness and all around lack of caring for anything, i’ve been led into a rather steep spiral of screwing myself academically. ‘will i ever learn?’ the girl asks herself, hoping that she will and somehow pull herself out of this dreary mess and move on to something else without being in more debt for no good reason. ignore that little foray into third person-like narrative.

i suppose you could say that i lost the internship. i still hope to go for it at another time in the near future, but due to school scheduling (or lack there of) i can’t go. the fact that it’s in the middle of ass nowhere doesn’t help either. i guess in some twisted (read:stupid) way, i blamed school for holding me back and not allowing me to pursue something that looked ever hopeful in this barren wasteland that is my life. so, being the smart person that i am, my way around it was to not go to school or the internship and make doubly sure that i erased any possible chance of not wasting large sums of money.

i regret going to this school. i should’ve stuck to my guns and said it was too much money. the only thing for me now is to try my best not to fail out and move on; concede to my mistake, take it where it hurts most and hope that some good can come out of it. even if it is just an internship.

this was originally going to say that my lack of posts was to be corrected by a photo entry of all my current (ha! i typed cutter. *sigh* get over it you silly girl) purchases, but i guess i got carried away with my tangential absentee reasoning. the next one will be fun.

more pictures + less words = fun and happiness for all.

i’ve had a job for two days and i’m already spending money like mad. having all my birthday money compiled in my bank account doesn’t help either. i’m fairly certain i won’t have to pay the $500 that someone took out on my visa, but if i do i can manage. i won’t be happy but i won’t have to worry about where the money’s going to come from.

there’s lots of stuff i intend to write about, but i don’t know if i’ll ever get around to it. i still haven’t written about death note, but i just bought an awesome lighter that’s based on it. i also intend on buying at least two death note bags as well.

i don’t know if i can actually take the internship because i just discovered that i have classes from 12-3 monday-friday which pretty much rules out either going to the office or the class. i’ll have to call them and ask what kind of hours it is and if i can’t do it, hopefully i can go back in september when i’ll be (mostly) done with school. i really, really want to do this now though. i’m quite fed up with school to be completely honest. maybe if the administration wasn’t so lax i could be more disciplined. i’ll just have to stick it out for the next two months and see how it goes.

i plan on buying a nintendo ds lite, so if i end up staying with the internship at least i’ll have entertainment for the two-four hours of traveling i have every day. i also want/need to buy a new guitar controller because the one i currently have is too sensitive for my taste.

i told you i was spending like mad!

i don’t know what’s been going on with my stomach lately, but i’d really appreciate not getting stabbing pains that make me wish i was dead. the first time was yesterday as i was walking home from a very successful exam and shopping excursion.

the exam was for my data analysis and stats course. the teacher is great and his exams are exactly what he says they are going to be. i ended up being late because the power went out so my alarm clock didn’t go off. thankfully, i still woke up in time to get there and write the exam; i was done in about thirty minutes. it was great! i decided to partially celebrate my kicking of said exam’s ass by stopping at square one when i transferred buses to see if i could find myself a nice summer/t-shirt dress for $20 or so. this was inspired by an outfit i saw of a fellow bus rider. she had on a red and white striped halter dress with white flip-flops and a white purse. it looked summery, clean and stylish. i said i’d buy something if i could find something in a nice green or purple because i don’t have many (if any) clothes in those colours.

alas, i suppose it was not meant to be since i didn’t manage to find anything in my price range or selected colours. i contemplated dropping into eb games, but i just looked around there a couple of weeks ago, so i doubted they would have anything new that i’d want. then i remembered that i had a gift certificate for mac and i decided to buy a new lip gloss.

i had searched the mac site earlier to see if there was anything particularly close to what i was looking for. i found these. after messing around with the testers and tester holder for about fifteen minutes, i decided on fuchsia fix, which looks a lot brighter in the pot than what it actually is. it’s just the tiniest hint of pink, but it moisturizes my lips quite nicely. i bought that and i still have money left. hooray!

anyway, i was walking home and nearly there when my stomach starts to hurt. it kind of feels like cramps, and gas mixed together i.e. it’s painful. i get home and the pain keeps getting worse. then i start feeling nauseous and i don’t know if i’m going to puke or . . . something else. i was also breaking out in a sweat, not only from the heat outside but because of the pain. so i lay on the bathroom floor not knowing what to do, ready to puke or pass out. the tiles were refreshingly cool and that’s the only form of comfort i had. eventually the intensity faded and i headed into the icebox of a basement for some relief. the pain was still there, but it came and went in waves.

the rest of the night i was fine and i thought it was a one time event. then it happened again today. i really hope it doesn’t happen again tomorrow.

on a completely (almost) different note, i still need more hats. they had a fedora-like one at h&m that i wouldn’t mind. i didn’t try it on properly because my hair was in a ponytail, but it still looked good even placed atop the ponytail bump. i also have far too much money that i need to keep for seattle. but my visa was taken and someone took out $500 on it so i don’t even know if i can afford seattle now. i should’ve called it in when i saw it was missing, but i really thought it was just at home. i’ve got a month to get it all sorted before i start paying interest. at least i learned something: always call it in as soon as it’s missing. even if it had been at home and i found it later, the only price would be waiting for my new card to show up. thankfully, i haven’t given out my pin to anyone, so they should be able to find who did it. at the very least, they’ll know i’m not scamming them and won’t make me pay them $500 back. bah. this better work out somehow.

i can’t move on because i have no control over this. i never knew i was such a control freak until now. maybe just one more chance? am i still in denial? things just don’t feel right. but would it feel any different if things changed? wouldn’t it just be a false happiness, like that other time? do i even really want it? the grass is never greener on the other side, so what about now? i’m on the non-green side, so does the saying still apply? is it less green than here now? it’s pretty friggin’ barren here.

i think i’m going to be a big idiot and go to university next september. hell, screw september. i might as well try for the winter semester. it’s not like i’ll have anything else on my plate, or have anything i need to complete. i wish i had parents that were paying for it all. that would make things a lot easier and way better. thank god for osap. i’ll work part-time while in school again and pay off my debts for metalworks. then i get to pay off more debt when i graduate from university. at least i’ll have a lot of education. yet, i’m quite certain i still won’t be satisfied.

i need to make more of an effort with certain things and spend less effort on others. it’s hard to not be sad right now. being sad takes a lot of energy and if i could stop, believe me i would. i should probably get on that therapy thing. ugh, more money. i need a job.

i have all these plans, but never any drive to do them. maybe i really don’t want to be happy. i don’t. my entire relationship i worried and looked for something to be wrong. that’s half of why it was so hard to determine whether or not something was actually a problem or just something that i’d embellish or wrongly feel was a bigger problem than it was. i really would like another chance. i’d like it now, but i think i (we?) would fail again at this moment. eventually. two weeks? hahaha. no, really. okay, no. there’s just something off about the whole thing.

bah. past 3am. i suppose i should try to sleep if i’m to wake up early and write a presentation.