obliviously obvious

- my grandad died on monday. i had to sing at the memorial. it wasn’t so much singing as it was crying my heart out.

- moving to cambridge in about a month. sort of happy, but not really. not looking forward to job searches or adjusting to public transit etc.

- i really need a job because i want to leave here asap. now that i don’t have a monthly prescription to pay for, maybe i can just be a full time temp. that seems to suit me because i can’t stand being in one place too long. like longer than three months. plus then i don’t have to worry about what happens with vacation time etc.

- still trying to lose weight. i keep saying it’s for real this time, and then something comes up. i couldn’t exactly stick to my eating and work-out regimen with the funeral and viewing times, so another week goes by. now, hopefully, for real for real.

- have to get my driver’s license but i’ll probably wait until i get to cambridge and the summer since the strike screwed just about every one.

- possibly going to work in mexico in september, but we’ll see how that pans out.

- everything else is the same and i hate it, but at the moment i have to deal with limbo.

i still haven’t read the iov boards. i want to, but my ocd of checking everything i’ve missed is going to kill me. i realize that the longer i leave it, the worse it gets, i just can’t get around to facing the hundreds upon hundreds of threads and posts i have to catch up on.

i’m still having dreams involving meeting incubus, or seeing them again, making them late for concerts because i’m trading cell numbers with them. unfortunately, along with the amazing incubus dreams comes some really messed up war/ex-boyfriend dreams. i’d write about them, but it really is for the best if i don’t. far, far too personal and destructive to be public.

i want a champagne slushee. those were good.

why is it so hard to find a decent guy anywhere? everyone says my standards are too high but that’s bullshit. then when i do date someone, they’re not good enough for me. which is it people? i guess i do have high standards concerning looks. they have to be at least 6′ or look that tall. i’m not going to continue to list what i’m looking for in a guy because i can basically sum it up in two words: brandon boyd. i stray a little within attributes, but that type is pretty much it. i’m such a sucker for longer hair, but only if it’s done right. although, it does surprise me how many guys can pull off the right look.

i’m just babbling because i’m lonely and my dreams have an amazing power to set back any progress i’ve made. i really need to move to l.a. the second i’m done paying my debts, i’m gone. that’s all there is to it.

i desperately need to move far, far away and just start fresh. keep in contact with the few ‘real’ friends and never see the others again. thats sounds so refreshing and it would be a huge relief. i’d also be rid of constant reminders of certain somebodies and others who cause anger/hatred. i want to drop the life i’ve lived, pick up somewhere else and find my true self along the way.

unfortunately, it won’t be happening any time soon. thanks to my semi-addiction to the internet, part of my problem is my doing. argh! so indecisive always. nothing pleases me completely. i want both and all of the above.

i laugh at people that assume things. then i never talk to them again unless i want something. they’re so dumb and i hate them, but it’s hilarious. one of these days i’m just going to say what everyone thinks. i can do it now since it would have absolutely no repercussions. i’ll save it for when i move. it shall be my house warming gift to myself. a few well worded letters and a face to face confrontation will do nicely. maybe i’ll even get to see tears or get a bitchslap in. one can only wait and dream until that day . . . sometimes, i really love me.

the title says it all and so has the action itself. big changes up ahead.

my goal for a year from now: move to los angeles. seriously, i have to get the hell out of here and move to the states where there are major cities right next to each other instead of hundreds of kilometres away. i’ll also be glad to be rid of winter for a while. i like snow, but it only hinders me and the things i want to do. i don’t like any winter sports, nor am i good at them. the only one i enjoy is skating and i haven’t done that properly in a long time. that can always be done in an arena anyway. it’s better there.

i am not in the mood or mindset to write an exam. i’ve been in la la land since friday. i can’t blame me. i mean, i’m going to meet my favourite band of all time. i’ve been on incubus overload and it’s still not enough. i feel stupid, but it’s really made me want to change things around.

i’m hoping i get a job on thursday. that would be sweet. i know where all my money’s going to go.

i’m gettng the hell out of here, asap!

p.s. i believe half of this entry was written with a slight bitter taste in my mouth. i’ll probably calm down later, or realize how right i was. ugh, i hate this feeling. i wish i knew what to do. i also need to take my pill. that’s probably also a huge factor in my bitter craziness.