i’ve got wordpress up and running on my domain. check it out if you want, but it’s all just test stuff. yes, i got someone else to install it for me, not because i’m not capable, but because i’m truly lazy and customizing is enough work/decisions. plus, if you can have someone do it for you for free, why the hell not? i know i could’ve just deleted everything and made it look like i did it myself but i at least owe them advertising for a bit and i don’t want to be a dirty liar. oh yeah, that means i got hosting too. it’s free and if i want to upgrade it’s super cheap with the best package being only $7.95 USD/month. other added stuff (more bandwidth, additional storage space etc.) is only $1/month so if need be i can always do that.

as for right now, i’m going to sleep because i haven’t gotten much of it in the last little while due to partying and that’s not changing any time soon either. i’m officially twenty-one and i’ll be out on the town all night tonight. it’s going to be a blast. hmm, maybe i should go to the bank first. nah, i should be cool.

i’m turning twenty-one tomorrow. i’m not really looking forward to it, but i’ve become used to the idea since my parents have been telling me i’m twenty-one since december of last year. nothing quite like six months of repeated reminders to get you into the mindset of something.

i definitely did not think that i would be here at twenty-one, but i didn’t have any idea what would be happening so . . . yeah. something i realized yesterday is that 2006 was a year of changes. a lot happened in such a short span of time. it was an emotional and life roller coaster. 2007 seems rather stagnant compared to it.

the past six months have been filled with grief and turmoil on all counts. i’ve probably cried more times from december than i’ve cried in my whole life. my social life has dwindled to a very lonely, solitary existence. it’s partly my fault, but partly not too. it also doesn’t help that trying to get my group of friends out is like pulling teeth and that was before there was an awkward moral/loyalty dilemma involved. this has led me to be excluded from lots of things which i’m bitter about, so i don’t really want to see those people anymore, but i’m also terribly desperate to do things.

i’m almost over it now. certain things only bother me for a while and then i realize i don’t care. i also realize and appreciate that what i had can never be given to anyone else because what i had doesn’t exist anymore. it’s changed. i don’t know if i’m only telling myself that or if it’s actually true. and if it is true is the change because of the break-up, or did it occur before? i like to think it was from before but that kind of makes me sadder.

in any case, i’m feeling rather apathetic about my birthday. i’d like to do something but i don’t know if i feel like putting all my effort and energy into it, getting excited and hopeful and then having everyone severely let me down, leading me to feel even more down about myself and wishing i had more/better friends. in this case, there is harm in trying.

oh well, i’ll send out emails to people in the next hour or so, see what the response is and go from there. i’m dreading this, but i really do want to have fun and some sort of normal celebration. i’d like for all the people that i like to like me enough to show up to one event. maybe i’m not having enough faith in people. i just feel really down and out of the minds of everyone. i know i wasn’t merely tolerated when i was with jeff, so what’s the deal now? bah.

so the day i’ve been waiting for since november? is no longer happening. b’s throat infection is too bad and the concert has been postponed. i got the call last night and an email will probably be sent sometime this week to everyone to say what’s going to happen. i will be very, very upset if i have to give up my meet and greet tickets for a refund. i just want a show and a chance to meet the band. however, i am happy that they’re deciding to heal instead of pushing themselves. no one wants b’s voice to be perfectly safe more than me.

it seems that everyone but me is sick. a lot of people bitch about it more/make a bigger deal out of it than they should and that pisses me off. sorry, i’m just bitter over other things.

lil’s birthday party was last night. i had fun. i didn’t get drunk. i didn’t even get tipsy and gosh darn it, i tried. had a lot of interesting talks though, and that’s what my friends are really good at. of course, it led me to think about stuff. reminiscing when you’re trying to sleep on the floor alone is no good for your emotional health.

there are moments when i can handle the idea and i just want to let go. then i realize i’d just be looking for what i had. i might have to face that scenario as truth and it scares and hurts me. i miss everything so much.

i think i may have to have a singing session very soon.

p.s. god damn i need to lose weight.

tonight kicked off a fantastic tour. it looks like a great set. only twenty-eight more days to go. 672 hours to figure out the perfect things to say. not including sleeping and learning and all that. although, maybe it’ll come to me in a dream. i’ve already had one involving the meet, why not another?

tonight was also fun with mel and the asian crew. we had a blast playing guesstures where mel’s attempt at a word made me cry with laughter. we barely made it in time for $3 drinks, but all was well. good times had by all. happy birth(mark)day melissa! legal around the world.

i can’t believe school starts on monday. it’s good that i have something to focus on, but it came so fast.

i hate being congested. i knew i was getting sick, but i went out and partied anyway. it was completely worth it. well, except no one bought me a drink. someone proposed marriage, but didn’t buy me a drink. honestly, where the hell has chivalry gone? at least buy a girl a drink first before you ask if she’ll be your wife. being obnoxious is not attractive or cute in any way. it’s embarrassing. anyway, i still had a good time. i’ll have to be hosting my own function in less than a years time. i think i can beat that one.

hah, i love liz. i’m incredibly mean and honest (are they one and the same?) when i drink. no, i take it back. i’m that way all the time. at least it’s entertaining, for the most part. i don’t cross the mean line, so people are cool with it. i’m just rambling now because it was a good night and i want to write more, but it’s one of those ‘you had to be there’ nights.

i think i’m going to watch the episode of heroes i missed and wait for my pizza to get here.

i’m looking forward to wednesday. we should all crash at rich’s house. that’d be hilarious. i only wish i was working there. that would be awesomeer.

heh, totally random entry.

p.s. ‘neither of us can see’ by incubus featuring chrissy hynde is an amazing song. maybe i’m biased because i love brandon’s voice, but i think it’s some of his best work. it shows off his range and power. it gives me chills. and the lyrics are so applicable to me. i’m listening to it right now. god, it’s so good. his high register is . . . really good. i’m tired, i can’t think of any synonyms. nor can i think of word that does it justice. again, it’s largely my opinion, but he’s still an amazing singer. stupid guys and their ability to have amazing range. i shake my fist at thee.