i still haven’t read the iov board. i’m killing myself. i did however have a lengthy *ahem* discussion on the incubus group on facebook. needless to say, i won. of course the other side didn’t think so, but that’s because his head was so far up his ass . . . fill in own comparison here.

i’m having so much incubus withdrawal it’s not funny. luckily there’s news that they may start working on new album material right after the european tour. unfortunately, i still think they won’t be touring for another three to four years. gee, b’ll be thirty-five. i’ll be twenty-five. ugh, how depressing.

i still look at their pictures and can’t believe that night. it’s kind of weird how i feel right now. i’m right on the line between hysterical hope and belief that it was all meant to be and shockingly depressing realism of my inconsequential existence.

i really need to start fueling my creativity again. why do i lack so much initiative? my vocabulary is so poor right now. i can’t remember anything. i couldn’t remember vocabulary for crying out loud. i can practically feel my intelligence/life draining away. i’m meant for so much more than this. i know nothing will happen if i don’t try but trying is so hard. plus, i’ve pretty much gotten what i’ve wanted until now with minimal effort. i suppose i have to start putting in more if i want more. i know all this already, the trouble is in the doing. so often i’ve put in effort and got back minimal improvements in results. bah. on that note, i desperately need to take vocal lessons again.

now it’s headphone time, because everything sounds better on headphones unless it’s live and being blasted on twenty or so incredibly loud speakers. *sigh* it’ll be a long while until i get that again. unless . . . is it time for another crazy scheme? hey, this is how the last one started and that turned out amazingly surreal. i say i give it a shot. it all starts tomorrow when i go out for job interviews. here’s to it.

that statement may come off wrong. i’ve never disliked my skin colour or my cultural background simply because it makes me so unique. i’ve never had anyone say bad things about it, only good. however, for certain reasons i wish i looked a tiny bit more ‘white’, for lack of a better term.

there are certain looks that are hard to pull off when not white. a few examples: goth, pin-up, victorian etc. it just doesn’t fit as well with darker skin. i could probably look the part easier with blonde hair, but that kind of goes against the part too.

why do i care so much? i don’t really. i guess i just find it frustrating that my looks have limits. it’s also hard to get really brightly coloured eye make-up to stand out. i never want to put too much on because i feel like it’s exactly that: too much. later when i look at pictures or see other women, i clearly have less make-up on. i already feel like every one’s looking at me without tons of make-up, so even though it makes me happy because it completes my creative idea, i don’t do it.

i guess this all has to do with my new ‘project’. i’m really just doing it for creative purposes because i’ve stalled musically for so long and i have yet to explore the visual side. i’m kind of hoping that i can gain a new perspective and be kicked into composing again. i’m buying a camcorder and i’m going to be taping myself. yes, i’m going to be a youtube/myspace/camwhore. well, maybe not. i haven’t really decided if i’ll post online or not. i’ve already bought a 500 gb external hard drive for the editing and such. i was due for more space. in any case, i figure it’s something i should do for the experience alone. it involves my creative, technical and business sides all in one package. who knows what’ll come from this?

hoping to sell my soul for fame . . . i completely belong in l.a.

i was ‘let go’ from yuk yuk’s for bullshit reasons, but there’s not much i can do about that. i realized that i’d been having so many dreams about jeff and his parents etc. because my boss’ boss (the who fired me) reminded me so much of his mom. there was like this fake niceness and awkwardness and i always felt on edge around her, like she was just waiting for me to trip up and anything i did wasn’t good enough. anyway, enough about that. (jeff’s mom wasn’t nearly as bad as my boss, but i guess it was just her mannerisms mixed with the ‘i’m doing everything wrong’ feeling that made me see it)

before i got fired, i bought one last semi-expensive purchase: a usb vocal microphone. is this a lead-in to a new path that i’ve chosen? not as such, no. at least not yet. i still need to pay off my current school debt and decide if i can really attempt school again. i just don’t think me and academia get along. i much prefer learning through life. granted, i don’t learn from school mistakes (i.e. not doing work) but that’s all part of the academia thing.

i’m really tempted to go to australia with one of those working plans and just stay there for six months or a year. see what happens and then maybe head to europe. when alex is done her schooling, we’ll head to l.a. and see if we can make it there. hopefully, i’ll have stayed connected/improved my connection with the incubus boys (insert ridiculously crazy giggle here) and that could possibly lead to something. you never know in this crazy thing called life.

back to the mic. i really just wanted it so i could work on my music more diligently.  i’ve heard recordings from webcam mics or regular non-music mics and the quality is brutal. i haven’t even tried mine out yet, but for my current purposes, it should be beyond adequate.

wednesday was a splendid evening and yet again, i had many a drink bought for me. i called a certain someone and it worked out great. i hope he calls me, but i’ll call him if it doesn’t happen soon. if it wasn’t for school, things would almost be going swimmingly.

as you may or may not know from my msn name, i’ve been feeling rather apathetic lately about, oh well, let’s say everything. because of this wonderful bout of laziness and all around lack of caring for anything, i’ve been led into a rather steep spiral of screwing myself academically. ‘will i ever learn?’ the girl asks herself, hoping that she will and somehow pull herself out of this dreary mess and move on to something else without being in more debt for no good reason. ignore that little foray into third person-like narrative.

i suppose you could say that i lost the internship. i still hope to go for it at another time in the near future, but due to school scheduling (or lack there of) i can’t go. the fact that it’s in the middle of ass nowhere doesn’t help either. i guess in some twisted (read:stupid) way, i blamed school for holding me back and not allowing me to pursue something that looked ever hopeful in this barren wasteland that is my life. so, being the smart person that i am, my way around it was to not go to school or the internship and make doubly sure that i erased any possible chance of not wasting large sums of money.

i regret going to this school. i should’ve stuck to my guns and said it was too much money. the only thing for me now is to try my best not to fail out and move on; concede to my mistake, take it where it hurts most and hope that some good can come out of it. even if it is just an internship.

this was originally going to say that my lack of posts was to be corrected by a photo entry of all my current (ha! i typed cutter. *sigh* get over it you silly girl) purchases, but i guess i got carried away with my tangential absentee reasoning. the next one will be fun.

more pictures + less words = fun and happiness for all.

there are a number of things i have to do in order to get better and be the person i want to be. in no particular order:

• get a job - this will enable me to do the other things on my list a lot easier and faster, thereby making me better sooner. this will cause a chain of events leading only to success for a while.
• learn to drive and get my g2 - i’ve put this off for so long for various reasons and problems. i hope to correct this soon, possibly by july.
• see a therapist* - this is a biggie and i know some people are against it, but i want to try it first. it also depends on the therapist so this one could take a while.
• go to university/college - i’ve been doing some research and i definitely want to go. i even want to take on the costs of living on res. it may be weird for a while, what with the age difference and all, but i’m hoping being in a new environment will be positive for me and i’ll thrive instead of dying ever so slowly like i am now.
• finish that one thing - this shall go without description since i’m not exactly proud of it. i’ll look into it with more detail now, but won’t start working at it diligently until august or so.
• take voice lessons - this will happen by my third or fourth paycheck. if i happen to go back to school for music (a big if) i’ll need a good long while to get back in shape. my range is still there, but nowhere near the strength it once was. i’ve been looking into sls instead of classical training, but considering i’d like to get a diploma in opera one day, i don’t know how good of an idea it would be. no harm in trying i suppose.
• find an internship - i should get experience under my belt even if i’m going back to school. who knows, if things go spectacularly well i might get a part time job there that i can keep while going to university. even better, they may decide to fund some of it. okay, let’s not go nuts, but crazier things have happened.

then there are some things that i want to do to make me feel better, but have no timeline and aren’t mandatory for my immediate health:

• work out - this is specifically with the intention of having a knock-out body. it’s close but i need a little work. i only weigh 105 lbs now, so i can’t lose any weight without being unhealthy. i need to build muscle and lose a tiny bit of fat; that’s it.
• get a new hairstyle - i’ve had this one now for a good four years. it’s time for a change. the only thing that’s stopping me is money.
• finally get my tattoo - i’ve been wanting one forever and i was supposed to get one for my seventeenth? birthday. i guess i should decide what i want first. i thought i knew, but i decided against it. it almost means too much to have that on my body forever.
• get representation for modeling/acting - a girl in my class actually just started her own company, but i think i may have accidentally burned that bridge a while back. it’d be nice, but really not necessary.
• get more sleep - i’m hoping that when the needs are half completed, this will naturally come with it.
• get my own domain - i wanted to do this from the beginning but again, money! all those hosting costs add up. sure, a free domain, when i sign up for $6.95/mo USD for the rest of my life to your web hosting service! okay, it’s only for a year or two and the price isn’t bad, but it is if you’re broke. i could manage it if it was monthly, but it’s not, it’s just priced that way.
• buy a ps2 - i know. it’s a sacrilege that i don’t have one, especially since i’ve been dubbed by my classmates as ‘the hardcore gamer’. i’m not amazing, but i’m better than most and definitely most girls (sorry to say). all my roms and isos can only take me so far. i’ve experienced all the classics that i missed the first time around because i was too young and now i crave the goodness that was missed while i was catching up. bring on devil may cry and .hack. i miss watching those games being played. once again rectification = money.

i think that’s it. that’s all i want to do with my life in the next couple of years. when i write it out like that, it doesn’t seem too demanding. people have had far more unrealistic and lofty lists. half of the tasks are easily manageable within the next six months or so. the others really depend on what happens during and after those six months. if i get a job, learn to drive and see a therapist though, i’ll be exponentially happier (i hope).

i shall break my routine slightly and go to bed at 2 am instead of 4. i say that, but i might just end up playing chrono trigger for two hours.

*does anyone else always have a hard time reading and saying it as anything but ‘the rapist’? damn you sean connery!

5:16 am - yeah . . . i got caught up in the gameboy version of tamagotchi (laugh away) and then chrono trigger. i’m even too tired to be sad. *yawn* i want my real tamagotchi now.

my plan for february was ruined. it was so good too. at least now i don’t need as much money. i could still do it, but it seems kind of stupid considering . . . things. maybe i’ll just play hooky like i said and go to new york instead. how is that a better idea, whitney? new york is farther away and it’s way more expensive and it’s harder to get to. damn it. bah.