Archive for the ‘rant’ Category

i have a confession: i actually kind of want to see/am excited about the sex and the city movie. ugh. after countless years of hating everything it stands for and the unreal implications of carrie’s lifestyle and just how carefree their lives are, i broke down and downloaded season four. this was a long time ago and i didn’t tell a soul about it, but i’m sure you might have caught a few quotes mentioned either here or in my msn name. while the shoes and the sex are great, i think i love the shallowest aspect of it: the friendship. i know that’s supposed to be the story behind the glitz but it really doesn’t portray real relationships (sexual or otherwise) at all. i think i enjoy the fantasy of perfect friends that are so close through thick and thin but without any cattiness between them. that doesn’t happen in real life. at least, i’ve never personally found it. maybe with one person but not three others at the same time. why do girls have to be so . . . petty?

i’ve been meaning to apply to jobs but i really want to redo my resume first. this has caused much procrastination. the main reason is because i don’t like to think about what i have to offer because on paper, i’ve got zilch. i think i often fall flat in interviews too because too often i don’t really want the job so i hold back, or i just make some brainless mistake like not bringing my resume. honestly though, if i send you my resume in an email two times already, do i really need to bring another one? and don’t get me started on franchises and their stupid fill in the blank forms. it’s all the exact same information that’s included on my resume, but much less legible because you made me write it out in pen. anyway, my point was that there are lots of things that i think i could be really good at, but my paper qualities won’t even get me a foot in the door. i’m not even twenty-two and it’s like it’s too late for me to start anything. maybe i’ll just try for anything.

another thing holding me back is not having a car and living in mississauga. it takes at least half an hour to get anywhere. it’s such a pain and dangerous in this cold weather. it’s also super annoying because you’re supposed to dress appropriately but when you have to take the bus you can’t wear nice shoes or a nice coat because they don’t keep you warm.

okay, i think i’ve ranted enough to be fine for a while. is anything happening tonight? i want to do something new but non-expensive. ring me.

i know you’ve been pretty good to me this year, getting me into the incubus after party and all, but i’d really appreciate it if you could see your way into making that not happen. it’s not overly important, but it would make up for losing my job. it also would help me know that i don’t suck and verify my assumptions of other suckage. it would just seem rather unfair considering my talent, background and knowledge compared to what’s being offered. if you can’t make it completely inaccessible, at least put up a few challenging roadblocks that will eventually lead to failure.

thanks!

- whitney

p.s. if i decide to take the same road again later in life, can you make things go better? i’ll try this time, scout’s honour.

as you may or may not know from my msn name, i’ve been feeling rather apathetic lately about, oh well, let’s say everything. because of this wonderful bout of laziness and all around lack of caring for anything, i’ve been led into a rather steep spiral of screwing myself academically. ‘will i ever learn?’ the girl asks herself, hoping that she will and somehow pull herself out of this dreary mess and move on to something else without being in more debt for no good reason. ignore that little foray into third person-like narrative.

i suppose you could say that i lost the internship. i still hope to go for it at another time in the near future, but due to school scheduling (or lack there of) i can’t go. the fact that it’s in the middle of ass nowhere doesn’t help either. i guess in some twisted (read:stupid) way, i blamed school for holding me back and not allowing me to pursue something that looked ever hopeful in this barren wasteland that is my life. so, being the smart person that i am, my way around it was to not go to school or the internship and make doubly sure that i erased any possible chance of not wasting large sums of money.

i regret going to this school. i should’ve stuck to my guns and said it was too much money. the only thing for me now is to try my best not to fail out and move on; concede to my mistake, take it where it hurts most and hope that some good can come out of it. even if it is just an internship.

this was originally going to say that my lack of posts was to be corrected by a photo entry of all my current (ha! i typed cutter. *sigh* get over it you silly girl) purchases, but i guess i got carried away with my tangential absentee reasoning. the next one will be fun.

more pictures + less words = fun and happiness for all.

provided by the one and only maddox.  this is exactly how i felt about it from the beginning. it’s just an overpriced toy for adults. it’s also how i’ve felt about the ipod which is why i don’t have one. simply ridiculous.

stupid domain. this is frustrating me. it should work by now. i have no patience. i want things to happen immediately and swiftly. stupid internet. catch up, damn it!

i’ll do the real post tomorrow, including all the good details that i’ve been clinging to for happiness. not completely. i’m having an angry vs sad moment, so i don’t give a damn about certain things. there’ll be some awfully interesting conversations later. i might even go so far as to call. what the hell, break tradition. things just aren’t settled like they should be, and it’s not all my fault damn it! boo! grr, i’m so mad. no, i’m frustrated and feel unjustified.

there are a number of things i have to do in order to get better and be the person i want to be. in no particular order:

• get a job - this will enable me to do the other things on my list a lot easier and faster, thereby making me better sooner. this will cause a chain of events leading only to success for a while.
• learn to drive and get my g2 - i’ve put this off for so long for various reasons and problems. i hope to correct this soon, possibly by july.
• see a therapist* - this is a biggie and i know some people are against it, but i want to try it first. it also depends on the therapist so this one could take a while.
• go to university/college - i’ve been doing some research and i definitely want to go. i even want to take on the costs of living on res. it may be weird for a while, what with the age difference and all, but i’m hoping being in a new environment will be positive for me and i’ll thrive instead of dying ever so slowly like i am now.
• finish that one thing - this shall go without description since i’m not exactly proud of it. i’ll look into it with more detail now, but won’t start working at it diligently until august or so.
• take voice lessons - this will happen by my third or fourth paycheck. if i happen to go back to school for music (a big if) i’ll need a good long while to get back in shape. my range is still there, but nowhere near the strength it once was. i’ve been looking into sls instead of classical training, but considering i’d like to get a diploma in opera one day, i don’t know how good of an idea it would be. no harm in trying i suppose.
• find an internship - i should get experience under my belt even if i’m going back to school. who knows, if things go spectacularly well i might get a part time job there that i can keep while going to university. even better, they may decide to fund some of it. okay, let’s not go nuts, but crazier things have happened.

then there are some things that i want to do to make me feel better, but have no timeline and aren’t mandatory for my immediate health:

• work out - this is specifically with the intention of having a knock-out body. it’s close but i need a little work. i only weigh 105 lbs now, so i can’t lose any weight without being unhealthy. i need to build muscle and lose a tiny bit of fat; that’s it.
• get a new hairstyle - i’ve had this one now for a good four years. it’s time for a change. the only thing that’s stopping me is money.
• finally get my tattoo - i’ve been wanting one forever and i was supposed to get one for my seventeenth? birthday. i guess i should decide what i want first. i thought i knew, but i decided against it. it almost means too much to have that on my body forever.
• get representation for modeling/acting - a girl in my class actually just started her own company, but i think i may have accidentally burned that bridge a while back. it’d be nice, but really not necessary.
• get more sleep - i’m hoping that when the needs are half completed, this will naturally come with it.
• get my own domain - i wanted to do this from the beginning but again, money! all those hosting costs add up. sure, a free domain, when i sign up for $6.95/mo USD for the rest of my life to your web hosting service! okay, it’s only for a year or two and the price isn’t bad, but it is if you’re broke. i could manage it if it was monthly, but it’s not, it’s just priced that way.
• buy a ps2 - i know. it’s a sacrilege that i don’t have one, especially since i’ve been dubbed by my classmates as ‘the hardcore gamer’. i’m not amazing, but i’m better than most and definitely most girls (sorry to say). all my roms and isos can only take me so far. i’ve experienced all the classics that i missed the first time around because i was too young and now i crave the goodness that was missed while i was catching up. bring on devil may cry and .hack. i miss watching those games being played. once again rectification = money.

i think that’s it. that’s all i want to do with my life in the next couple of years. when i write it out like that, it doesn’t seem too demanding. people have had far more unrealistic and lofty lists. half of the tasks are easily manageable within the next six months or so. the others really depend on what happens during and after those six months. if i get a job, learn to drive and see a therapist though, i’ll be exponentially happier (i hope).

i shall break my routine slightly and go to bed at 2 am instead of 4. i say that, but i might just end up playing chrono trigger for two hours.

*does anyone else always have a hard time reading and saying it as anything but ‘the rapist’? damn you sean connery!

5:16 am - yeah . . . i got caught up in the gameboy version of tamagotchi (laugh away) and then chrono trigger. i’m even too tired to be sad. *yawn* i want my real tamagotchi now.