but i feel bad asking for it because it’s been such a long time and i did initially leave it. however, that doesn’t excuse my stuff from not being found when i’ve requested it multiple times in the past.  i just want what’s mine or some sort of compensation/explanation. ‘i can’t find it’ just isn’t good enough.

in other news, i might have a real job in two to three months, or not. i have to see how things go. it’s yet another vicious cycle of being poor; i want to do more, but that costs more and i don’t have the funds, but i won’t get a job unless i do more: repeat. such is life.

the new tokio hotel album is pretty good. again, i prefer the german version to the english one. i completely understand when lil talks about her intrigue surrounding them. maybe it’s just because they’re german and they seem different due to that but they’re so . . . interesting, for lack of a better word.  it’s highly possible that i’m just out of touch with the youth of today.  i’ve always been fascinated by twins too, so i’m sure that has something to do with it.  the long and short of it is, now, i want to learn german too.

i have a confession: i actually kind of want to see/am excited about the sex and the city movie. ugh. after countless years of hating everything it stands for and the unreal implications of carrie’s lifestyle and just how carefree their lives are, i broke down and downloaded season four. this was a long time ago and i didn’t tell a soul about it, but i’m sure you might have caught a few quotes mentioned either here or in my msn name. while the shoes and the sex are great, i think i love the shallowest aspect of it: the friendship. i know that’s supposed to be the story behind the glitz but it really doesn’t portray real relationships (sexual or otherwise) at all. i think i enjoy the fantasy of perfect friends that are so close through thick and thin but without any cattiness between them. that doesn’t happen in real life. at least, i’ve never personally found it. maybe with one person but not three others at the same time. why do girls have to be so . . . petty?

i’ve been meaning to apply to jobs but i really want to redo my resume first. this has caused much procrastination. the main reason is because i don’t like to think about what i have to offer because on paper, i’ve got zilch. i think i often fall flat in interviews too because too often i don’t really want the job so i hold back, or i just make some brainless mistake like not bringing my resume. honestly though, if i send you my resume in an email two times already, do i really need to bring another one? and don’t get me started on franchises and their stupid fill in the blank forms. it’s all the exact same information that’s included on my resume, but much less legible because you made me write it out in pen. anyway, my point was that there are lots of things that i think i could be really good at, but my paper qualities won’t even get me a foot in the door. i’m not even twenty-two and it’s like it’s too late for me to start anything. maybe i’ll just try for anything.

another thing holding me back is not having a car and living in mississauga. it takes at least half an hour to get anywhere. it’s such a pain and dangerous in this cold weather. it’s also super annoying because you’re supposed to dress appropriately but when you have to take the bus you can’t wear nice shoes or a nice coat because they don’t keep you warm.

okay, i think i’ve ranted enough to be fine for a while. is anything happening tonight? i want to do something new but non-expensive. ring me.

i know you’ve been pretty good to me this year, getting me into the incubus after party and all, but i’d really appreciate it if you could see your way into making that not happen. it’s not overly important, but it would make up for losing my job. it also would help me know that i don’t suck and verify my assumptions of other suckage. it would just seem rather unfair considering my talent, background and knowledge compared to what’s being offered. if you can’t make it completely inaccessible, at least put up a few challenging roadblocks that will eventually lead to failure.

thanks!

- whitney

p.s. if i decide to take the same road again later in life, can you make things go better? i’ll try this time, scout’s honour.

as you may or may not know from my msn name, i’ve been feeling rather apathetic lately about, oh well, let’s say everything. because of this wonderful bout of laziness and all around lack of caring for anything, i’ve been led into a rather steep spiral of screwing myself academically. ‘will i ever learn?’ the girl asks herself, hoping that she will and somehow pull herself out of this dreary mess and move on to something else without being in more debt for no good reason. ignore that little foray into third person-like narrative.

i suppose you could say that i lost the internship. i still hope to go for it at another time in the near future, but due to school scheduling (or lack there of) i can’t go. the fact that it’s in the middle of ass nowhere doesn’t help either. i guess in some twisted (read:stupid) way, i blamed school for holding me back and not allowing me to pursue something that looked ever hopeful in this barren wasteland that is my life. so, being the smart person that i am, my way around it was to not go to school or the internship and make doubly sure that i erased any possible chance of not wasting large sums of money.

i regret going to this school. i should’ve stuck to my guns and said it was too much money. the only thing for me now is to try my best not to fail out and move on; concede to my mistake, take it where it hurts most and hope that some good can come out of it. even if it is just an internship.

this was originally going to say that my lack of posts was to be corrected by a photo entry of all my current (ha! i typed cutter. *sigh* get over it you silly girl) purchases, but i guess i got carried away with my tangential absentee reasoning. the next one will be fun.

more pictures + less words = fun and happiness for all.

provided by the one and only maddox.  this is exactly how i felt about it from the beginning. it’s just an overpriced toy for adults. it’s also how i’ve felt about the ipod which is why i don’t have one. simply ridiculous.

stupid domain. this is frustrating me. it should work by now. i have no patience. i want things to happen immediately and swiftly. stupid internet. catch up, damn it!

i’ll do the real post tomorrow, including all the good details that i’ve been clinging to for happiness. not completely. i’m having an angry vs sad moment, so i don’t give a damn about certain things. there’ll be some awfully interesting conversations later. i might even go so far as to call. what the hell, break tradition. things just aren’t settled like they should be, and it’s not all my fault damn it! boo! grr, i’m so mad. no, i’m frustrated and feel unjustified.