obliviously obvious

i’m no longer pissed off at everything. i am still confused and disillusioned. maybe i will have a rebound relationship. actually pick someone who i know i won’t fall in love with, but completely adores me. it’s not mean if they know what i’m doing and they don’t care. that’s a little far fetched, so maybe i’ll just stick to my wonderful fantasy. i wish i could fall as hard as i did in november.

i can’t seem to get that feeling back. the fake is so obvious in comparison to the real. to think, i couldn’t shed a tear based on my current problems because i was so preoccupied with the impossible. the amount of clarity that comes with hindsight amazes me. i still kind of believe everything i said then, but it’s not so frenzied, so chaotically focused.

i’m definitely going for the other fantasy that scared me a little bit when i thought it could be happening. love isn’t easy and it’s far from perfect. what i had was worth all of it. it’s worth what i’m going through right now.

i need money. i’ve been handing/sending out resumes like crazy, so hopefully something will materialize from that. in spite of my lack of money, i still want to go out. anyone doing anything soon?

bed now, i suppose, to wake up for lunch.

it’s killing me to be alone right now, but i don’t want just anyone’s company. i only want to be with him. i feel so anxious right now. i kind of want to play ffviii, but it also makes me terribly lonely. i just want my jeff back. i have never felt like this before. i’ve never wanted anything so badly in my life. i’m dying a tiny piece at a time. i want to be in windsor, right now!

i wonder if i want him back so badly just because i can’t have him. or just so no one else can have him. i hate thoughts like that because i don’t know if they’re just passing truths or key motives. it’s only been a week since the shit really hit the fan, so i don’t know why i keep expecting things to be fine. i guess it’s because i kind of already went through this three months ago. i thought i had prepared myself. i was eager and willing to accept the changes that seemed inevitable. then i found out what was going on and it wasn’t right. it wasn’t right or fair to end it like that. with that being the main reason and catalyst of our demise. and for it to be delivered in such a way by her of all people. there are only two others who would’ve made me madder.

i always imagined our relationship fizzling out; both of us realizing that we’d become friends more than anything else. i don’t think i’d ever leave though. i’m just that way. i’m greedy and have multiple sides, so i’ll always love what i have but want more as well. i don’t want to give up anything. i don’t stop loving. i’m sure it changes, but probably only after i’ve loved someone else. i can’t really be certain since i’ve only loved two people. at least i thought i loved the other person at the time.

i don’t like being single. it’s very lonely. i don’t like this whole situation. i hate being so unsure of everything. stupid transitional periods. i need video games to distract me. who wants to buy me a ps2 and/or a wii? that will temporarily get me through this phase. that’s my thinking anyway. i’ve been craving a new system for a while. not just new games, but other games.

i need a job. a job where it’s not really like working. i could do boring office work, retail job with no customers or bartending. those are my ideal jobs at the moment. the fewer hours the better, because i really just need the money to get me by.

i’m going to end up being anorexic or something by the end of this whole fiasco. it drives me insane not being allowed to be his. that lack of control over things is maddening. the fact that there’s nothing i can do at all to change things is infuriating. this is why i have to make up a future scenario. i shouldn’t, especially considering what i’ve made it up to be, but it helps me deal with this lack of options. it gives me something to do. i’m scared to think what will happen when he finds someone new. i will have absolutely nothing left.

this entry may seem kind of psycho. i like to think i’m just being bitterly honest. meh. why should i care? i do need help, i just can’t afford it.

you know that acceptance feeling i had? i was right, it did have to do with lack of sleep and food. it took a couple of meals to go through my system before i started feeling ‘normal’ again.* maybe it was just because it was warmer outside and smelled like him.

everything about this hurts so much. i don’t want to do this anymore. i just want to be with him and be happy. i hate thinking about it all the time. it takes me roughly an hour to get to school on the bus and to get home afterwards. that’s two hours of nothing but sitting alone and thinking about everything that’s happened. when i get off the bus, an hour’s worth of me has died. and the loneliness is unbelievable. and the guilt. as much as i don’t want to hurt him anymore, a part of me does want him to be affected by this. i want it to mean as much to him as it does to me. of course, because i feel this way, guilt comes along with it. this is too damn hard.

i don’t know what i’ll do when the day actually does come. i can’t imagine having a good time because a part of me will be looking for him. i wish i could get drunk and forget all my problems. there are two things wrong with it: 1. i don’t have the money and 2. drinking would probably just make me wallow even more so. i’d be the contemplative, depressed drunk. i’m sure some crying would be involved and anyone who was with me wouldn’t like me from then on in. the only plan i can think that i would enjoy isn’t a good one in the long run. it’s also not fair to either of us. why does my answer seem so easy? why isn’t love enough?

here i am trying to be a better person and be a better friend to someone who completely backstabbed me. i don’t argue that what i did was wrong, but at least have the decency to tell me you’ve decided to ruin my life. i really don’t know if i can ever really forgive her. what she did has no moral reason whatsoever. i’m sure in her twisted head what she did was right, but it’s wrong on as many levels as it was right. last time i checked, a relationship was between two people, not two people and whoever thinks they know what’s best.

i had another dream last night. he was being stubborn and i was mad at him. i was quite mad, but not so mad that i couldn’t see past it. in my dream i had this epiphany of knowing that although i was so mad at him, i still really loved him and i was glad that he was with me. it was one of those moments when you realize that being mad is stupid and it doesn’t really matter anyway. i miss everything about him.

*nothing makes you lose weight quite like the break up diet. it may be the only positive thing right now. it’s the least healthy diet ever (it’s basically anorexia, maybe even bulimia given the right time of day) but it seems to work. i know, i’m going to hell and i’m fucked up in all the right ways.

i think i might be there. it could just be because i’ve been up for i-don’t-know-how-many hours, or because i’m surprisingly focused(a good thing) on this presentation i have to finish, but i can’t seem to get as sad about it right now. i still have this weird pain in my stomach, like an emptiness or i’ve been winded, but when i think about the past it kind of makes me happy in a wistful way. i’m still sad and it still hurts but he’s still in my life and i’m more than grateful for that.

it was special, wonderful, beautiful, amazing and the happiest time of my (somewhat short) life. i probably shouldn’t be writing so much in this euphoric state. as soon as i come crashing down from my lack of sleep and food, i’ll be depressed and aching even more. ah, what the heck. i think a lot of what hurts is missing him. just the simple feeling of wanting him in my life. also, a deep longing for things to straighten out and be less complicated. i don’t want to feel anxious about being by myself and i shouldn’t. i can’t help him any more by being his lover than when i’m not. things just have to be and they’re awful, but i hope i can still bring a small amount of happiness into his life.

i guess i’m realizing it’s over, i’m incredibly happy that it happened and i’m starting to see that the future won’t be a desolate wasteland of misery. i’m not moving on, i’m just not staying still.

i can’t find anything to stop this pain. i’m tired, but i can’t sleep. i’m hungry, but i can’t eat. i don’t want to watch, read or do anything. i don’t want to cry anymore, but it’s the only thing that comes easily. that and the memories. the memories pop up with every thought. i think about watching futurama or the simpsons and i remember a certain part that he liked, or jokes he’d make from them. that’s such a lame example, but it just happened so it was fresh in my mind. or from before we were even officially together at the prom after party. the joy of just being with him, sitting in the same room and knowing that he cared.

i’m scared that i’ll never be able to really let go because i’m so in love with the memories. if i could live in those moments, i would gladly do so in a heartbeat.

i really don’t know what to do with myself. i keep trying to go upstairs to eat something, but i can’t do it. i only slept yesterday because i took a very potent mix of gravol and two extra strength tylenol. plus, all the sobbing drains a person. i’m sorry for ruining the night and for talking about it ’til 7am, but i had to do it. without it, i couldn’t let go.

emotions are a funny thing. they’re really based on nothing, yet we can’t really control them. even if i could stop caring, i don’t know if i’d want to. i can’t stop loving a person who deserves to be loved. but i have let go. i promised myself that if this ever happened, i would let it end. i’m sorry for holding on for so long, i just really had to know that it couldn’t be saved and that this was the best route. it was selfish. i’m selfish.

this whole thing just raises so many questions about who and what i am. i think it’s time i found out by myself. i have to love myself first. it’s true. i’m self-destructive to the core and i have to stop.

now is my favourite time of all: the transitional period! it’ll be a ball this time around. i’m really looking forward to the day when i can love him without needing to be with him. i just can’t do it now.

i finally got a chance to run it into the ground. i’m fairly certain i’m in the depression stage now. it’s hard to care so much about a person and not be able to love them. it is the best thing right now, but it still hurts. everything hurts. i also have the shakes and i can’t eat. this is going to take a long time. i don’t even know if i can truly get over it. i guess things are still too fresh for me to be able to accurately assess the future. so much pain and it’s not fair. he deserves so much more and better than that. i don’t know what else to write.