i’ve started this entry so many times. i don’t even know where to begin. my life’s been a whirlwind since i last wrote. i guess i’ll just write down the facts and skip over the emotions for now, if not forever.

end of september/beginning of october my granddad went into the hospital because he was really sick and we thought it was food poisoning because it had lasted about four days. before i continue, i should point out that he was healthy and only fifty-eight years old. not my biological granddad, but no one knows where that bastard is, so he’s the only granddad i’ve known my whole life. anyway, he had to have surgery to remove a blockage in his intestine. turns out it was cancer. not just regular cancer, but stage four terminal cancer. the surgeon said he thought my granddad had until the end of the year, if that. he lasted another three weeks and (it was somehow) surprisingly died on october seventeenth.

it was/is a really difficult time for my family, my nana especially. there’s also a whole bunch of other family stuff that doesn’t make it any better, but it’s not my place to spill our family problems.

i suppose i go on to now: i’m in rome. i’ve been here since november tenth. it’s pretty great. i’m in a great place with amazing people and i’m so very lucky and happy. i guess if i’m really honest, i’ll admit that i’ve had quite a few dreams involving my granddad and his death. i’ve been lucky to have good people supporting me through that too. i’m still just slightly numb on the whole subject.

i’m in europe until december twenty-ninth. quite a bit of time left. i’m glad. i need the break. from everything. sorry, i guess i just haven’t really been thinking about it and writing about it now is opening it all up again.

in any case, i have to go prepare some dinner and then make apple crumble.

even after all this time, the littlest things still hurt.  maybe it’s just nostalgia of the internet and sitting at this desk.

i got the internet back for real this time, by the by.

it’s amazing how a few little pieces of information can completely flip the way you see a person. oh well, i guess it’s natural and completely fine, just totally unexpected. i’m too drunk to write right now but things blew my mind tonight.

i miss people. i need people.

i’m fat. i need to work out again. i’ll get on that on thursday. too much to do in-between.

i’m happy, but it’s bitter sweet.

every night i become increasingly short tempered. it’s my fault but i won’t stop what causes it. i wish i had the courage to move on. i wish i had the stability to move on. i continue to be a terrible person with each thought that crosses my mind. maybe i just need to unload it all; speak every last secret, confess all the lies. lose everything and start again. it’s far past time to move and leave the baggage behind.

last night i had a wonderful incubus dream. well, except the part when some guy threatened to kill me. the rest of it was excellent. i love performance dreams. rennie sent my mom an email and i finally got to meet him. we were joking like old friends. b wore a pair of hot boots. he also had a slight australian accent due to their recent tour there; he picked it up because he’s like that. if i have another dream like that tonight i’ll be very happy. to incubus!

i miss incubus. blah. hopefully some good drunken times tomorrow will rectify that. if not i can just call a certain someone and ask for them, but i guess i really shouldn’t since that number was given with the strictest of confidence. blah again.

and another thing: what’s so great about my smile? i hate the way i look when i smile. i don’t understand why everyone says it’s so great. i look so much better not smiling. i shouldn’t be up right now.

i messed things up again. i hate this feeling. and i hate that he goes to her. she’s not a good friend. a good friend wouldn’t have done what she did. i’m probably just jealous. i just want to move far away and start fresh with a clean slate. go somewhere and start something where if i mess up, it doesn’t matter and i can just leave without any major consequences.

right now i just want to shut off my brain and forget everything. i really need to start therapy. i’m not getting better, which became blatantly clear last night. i also think it has to do with going from everything to nothing with no support system for the interim.  no communication, no closure, nothing.

my mom wants to take me for my blood tests tomorrow. i’m fairly certain i’ll pass out. just the thought of feeling blood leave me makes me woozy and i have to lie down.

hopefully i’ll have a good time tomorrow. industry party at the drake, although i think the location’s been changed. i’m not sure if i dreamed it or if i was told when i was drunk. i hate that. so many times. the best part is i can’t very well say ’sorry, i dreamed that i sent you the assignment, that’s why you never got it.’ who’s going to believe that? they really are that vivid. a blessing and a curse; latter in more recent times than i care for.

the point is, i hate what i did and that i always get like that. it causes nothing but guilt and anxiety for myself. more than that, i hate that it hurts other people too. boo. sucks to me.