obliviously obvious

i don’t know what’s been going on with my stomach lately, but i’d really appreciate not getting stabbing pains that make me wish i was dead. the first time was yesterday as i was walking home from a very successful exam and shopping excursion.

the exam was for my data analysis and stats course. the teacher is great and his exams are exactly what he says they are going to be. i ended up being late because the power went out so my alarm clock didn’t go off. thankfully, i still woke up in time to get there and write the exam; i was done in about thirty minutes. it was great! i decided to partially celebrate my kicking of said exam’s ass by stopping at square one when i transferred buses to see if i could find myself a nice summer/t-shirt dress for $20 or so. this was inspired by an outfit i saw of a fellow bus rider. she had on a red and white striped halter dress with white flip-flops and a white purse. it looked summery, clean and stylish. i said i’d buy something if i could find something in a nice green or purple because i don’t have many (if any) clothes in those colours.

alas, i suppose it was not meant to be since i didn’t manage to find anything in my price range or selected colours. i contemplated dropping into eb games, but i just looked around there a couple of weeks ago, so i doubted they would have anything new that i’d want. then i remembered that i had a gift certificate for mac and i decided to buy a new lip gloss.

i had searched the mac site earlier to see if there was anything particularly close to what i was looking for. i found these. after messing around with the testers and tester holder for about fifteen minutes, i decided on fuchsia fix, which looks a lot brighter in the pot than what it actually is. it’s just the tiniest hint of pink, but it moisturizes my lips quite nicely. i bought that and i still have money left. hooray!

anyway, i was walking home and nearly there when my stomach starts to hurt. it kind of feels like cramps, and gas mixed together i.e. it’s painful. i get home and the pain keeps getting worse. then i start feeling nauseous and i don’t know if i’m going to puke or . . . something else. i was also breaking out in a sweat, not only from the heat outside but because of the pain. so i lay on the bathroom floor not knowing what to do, ready to puke or pass out. the tiles were refreshingly cool and that’s the only form of comfort i had. eventually the intensity faded and i headed into the icebox of a basement for some relief. the pain was still there, but it came and went in waves.

the rest of the night i was fine and i thought it was a one time event. then it happened again today. i really hope it doesn’t happen again tomorrow.

on a completely (almost) different note, i still need more hats. they had a fedora-like one at h&m that i wouldn’t mind. i didn’t try it on properly because my hair was in a ponytail, but it still looked good even placed atop the ponytail bump. i also have far too much money that i need to keep for seattle. but my visa was taken and someone took out $500 on it so i don’t even know if i can afford seattle now. i should’ve called it in when i saw it was missing, but i really thought it was just at home. i’ve got a month to get it all sorted before i start paying interest. at least i learned something: always call it in as soon as it’s missing. even if it had been at home and i found it later, the only price would be waiting for my new card to show up. thankfully, i haven’t given out my pin to anyone, so they should be able to find who did it. at the very least, they’ll know i’m not scamming them and won’t make me pay them $500 back. bah. this better work out somehow.

so this is it, for now. i know the colours and butterflies are a bit girly, but it’s clean and simple and fits in with my ’slogan’ (which is completely ripped off by the by). all that’s left is to start my dream journal, but due to certain plugin restrictions i don’t know if i can still do that immediately. it’s too bad because i just had a really emotional one last night. meh, i’ll write it and see what happens.

i think my ps2 might’ve arrived. whee. i have to go to the post office to pick it up tomorrow. i’m less excited about this than i thought i would be. it’s probably just because i’ve been keeping myself busy with coding and customizing my site as of late. it almost makes me think i should(’ve) go(ne) into programming or some sort of computer sciences. the problem is i don’t really understand it, i just ‘get it’ and i’m a fast learner. i guess that would be the point of going to school for it. i also don’t know how much i’d enjoy it as a job and how lucrative it is now/unless you’re a superwhiz and a superwhiz i am not. at least, i don’t think i am. enough about school, i don’t want to think about it.

i had an amazing birthday week/end. i’ll write about it later because i have more customizing and ftp-ing that i want to do.

why do i never feel like writing when there’s so much going on? then i get behind on everything i want to write about which leads to a post like this as a reminder and just for some sort of update.

had a busy week of photo shoots, parties, shows, drinking and anime. yes, that last one seems a little out of place but i’ll talk more about it in its own post; it’s what it deserves. the weekend would have been perfect if not for one little thing. however, i’m glad i did it anyway because i’m sure it had the exact opposite effect of what happened. i hope i can figure that out later.

now i have to go order factor grants by number of offers. fun.

i forgot to take my pill today, so i have a weird, almost drugged kind of tired feeling. note to self: never take ‘the pill’; it will do no good with my habits.

today was fun. long and tiring, but fun.

still no job because well i don’t really know why, so i’m not as elated as i once was. that was the perfect job. i don’t think i even stood a chance. the interview was great, but i think she already had someone else in mind and only interviewed people because she could, or something.

i have a lot of, dare i say, prospects on the line at the moment. i’m trying out for this on camera job-show type dealy thing. it should be interesting to say the least. it makes me think about taking journalism in university, but i’m terrible at meeting deadlines and that’s all that reporting/shows/news are all about. or at least they’re supposed to be. i think i could make up for that in charisma, charm and my on camera presence. people always say they have a hard time being on camera, but i never understood why. that thinking process doesn’t make sense to me.

maybe i could be a journalist like george stroumboulopoulos. i hung out with him today at the hour. well, maybe ‘hung out’ is the wrong term, but it’s my journal so i can use whatever terminology i like. we (me and him) did talk about breasts though, so i guess that constitutes as hanging out. he’s a super nice guy. he had a plane to catch that he was already running late for, but he still stopped to talk to us again on his way out of the building. he’s also taller than i thought he was and i was wearing heels, not my usual 3.5″, but still.

anyway, yes, journalism with a minor in psychology. i could handle that. financially not so much, but i’ve got a year. i’m not in a rush yet. when i’m still in school at twenty-five, then i’ll feel the rush. i feel it now, but only because i have no money. hah, as if more schooling is going to put money back into my pockets. now that i really think about it, journalism is kind of the perfect thing for me. it involves writing, people/things in the public eye, entertainment, it’s not a boring 9-5 job at a desk filing papers and you get to meet a lot of interesting people (usually). sounds like a plan.

i still haven’t broken the news to my parents. i’m waiting until i have a job before i tell them i want to spend more money. i think, like me, they’ll have mixed feelings and some reservations. will i stick with it? will i put in the effort to do well? etc. i’m hoping that if i express to them that i have no intention of them helping me with payments (damn all you lucky/rich bastards that pay nothing) and that university comes with osap so it’ll be semi-okay, they might actually be happy with my decision.

another thing i’m excited about (the other was ‘the hour’ and george) is having alan cross as my teacher. it might mean nothing to anyone else, but being the music nerd that i am, i’m ecstatic at being able to have his knowledge imparted directly to me. i’ve been listening to his show for almost a decade and he still teaches me things i never knew. he’s just full of information, experience and anecdotes. they’re not ego boosting bullshit anecdotes either. it’s amazing to interact with him for three hours every week. also, his music taste is impeccable.

time for sleep. i am tired and this entry took much longer than i anticipated. i got distracted by links on george’s site.

that is the time as it stands right now. why am i up? i don’t really know. i have class at noon, so now i’m torn between trying to sleep for five-six hours or just staying up and then trying to make it through my 7-10 class and pass out. that would, theoretically, put me back into a regular sleeping pattern. however, whenever i’ve done that in the past, i somehow manage to just stay up for thirty-six plus hours. i’ll look at the clock and it’ll be 4 am and i’ll have no idea how i’ve managed to do it when i was practically passing out six hours earlier. there are far too many numbers in that paragraph.

i’ve been doing something entirely naughty and completely contradictory to my new ‘focus on myself’ plan. i think i’m doing a really good job though. as much as i want back in and miss it ever so dearly, i am having no trouble whatsoever distinguishing past feelings from current. at this very moment, it all seems so distant, as if it happened to someone else. i guess it kind of did. that sentence has two meanings. i wonder if i’ll be able to decipher my vagueness later on. maybe this next paragraph will help.

i’ve come to realize (why it’s only hitting me now, i have no clue) that everyone, absolutely everyone has changed their mind about their future more than a few times. the best people in my life (and the worst for that matter, hehe) completely changed what they were doing. there have been so many transitions. it’s lovely. i love it. i think i’m having misguided feelings. that or i’m just overtired.

in some good news, i have another job interview on thursday. it’s at yuk yuk’s in mississauga as a bartender. i hope i get it. i need the money and that seems like a decent place to work. it’s kind of related to my field too, so i can always try to make some connections.

i want back in so badly. what’s wrong with me? i suppose i only have myself to blame, with my naughty habit developing again, and my excessively saccharine dreams as of late. damn their realness. maybe that’s why i’m not sleeping. when i don’t get enough sleep, i don’t dream and then i have nothing with which to taunt myself. so, the dilemma again arises as it was never answered before: sleep or stay up all night? i’ll try to sleep and if it doesn’t happen by 6:30, the point is moot. moot i say!

i’ve had far too much to drink for a weekday night, especially considering i have class tomorrow at noon. however, considering the last six months i’ve had, i’m really not that bad. plus, i’m hoping to be even drunker tomorrow afternoon, so i can’t condemn myself now.

certain people should consider themselves lucky that they’re not online, otherwise they’d be getting an eyeful. okay, well i wouldn’t be mad at them, i’d just be asking a lot of unpleasant questions.

i love that no one responded to my ‘i’m sorry’ post. i guess i must be perfect and have absolutely no flaws whatsoever. that’s a relief. for a while i thought i might have to try to change myself to become a better person.

i’ve seriously been considering going to university. i want to go for the experience and to learn more, but i feel stupid going back for something (most likely psychology or, even less likely, music) that isn’t at all related to what i’ve already spent thousands of dollars on learning. i definitely can’t go this september because i want to get my debts under some sort of control before i get myself into more debt. also, i want to get an internship and try really hard at what i’ve been learning so far and see if this career suits me. it really all depends on what happens in the next six months. i think i’d still like to get a degree in something, but hopefully by the time that comes around my company will pay for it. unfortunately, if i’m at a major record label, that won’t be the case. they’re downsizing constantly like nobody’s business. i should go into publishing or management. management’s a lot of work. i’d have to find a band first and then be dedicated to it. that’s the only way i could handle the workload of being a manager. too bad incubus already has rennie, the best damn manager in the business. i could join that company though. that’d be sweet. *sigh* that’s my new goal. one day . . .

i’m counting down the days until i go to seattle. i don’t know if i’ll be able to afford it, but i really don’t care. i seriously need to spend a good week with tal. that girl is the only thing in my life that’s stable. that’s kind of ironic, but only in the sense of the song, not in the real meaning. sorry, i’m a little bit drunk.

okay, time for gaming and music. the few things keeping me sane during this very, very, very depressing, lonely and sad time in my life.

p.s. :P to you if you don’t think i should be sad. i don’t like you anyway, so i don’t care if you don’t like me. also, i love myspace. it offers so many connections. *sigh*