i have a confession: i actually kind of want to see/am excited about the sex and the city movie. ugh. after countless years of hating everything it stands for and the unreal implications of carrie’s lifestyle and just how carefree their lives are, i broke down and downloaded season four. this was a long time ago and i didn’t tell a soul about it, but i’m sure you might have caught a few quotes mentioned either here or in my msn name. while the shoes and the sex are great, i think i love the shallowest aspect of it: the friendship. i know that’s supposed to be the story behind the glitz but it really doesn’t portray real relationships (sexual or otherwise) at all. i think i enjoy the fantasy of perfect friends that are so close through thick and thin but without any cattiness between them. that doesn’t happen in real life. at least, i’ve never personally found it. maybe with one person but not three others at the same time. why do girls have to be so . . . petty?

i’ve been meaning to apply to jobs but i really want to redo my resume first. this has caused much procrastination. the main reason is because i don’t like to think about what i have to offer because on paper, i’ve got zilch. i think i often fall flat in interviews too because too often i don’t really want the job so i hold back, or i just make some brainless mistake like not bringing my resume. honestly though, if i send you my resume in an email two times already, do i really need to bring another one? and don’t get me started on franchises and their stupid fill in the blank forms. it’s all the exact same information that’s included on my resume, but much less legible because you made me write it out in pen. anyway, my point was that there are lots of things that i think i could be really good at, but my paper qualities won’t even get me a foot in the door. i’m not even twenty-two and it’s like it’s too late for me to start anything. maybe i’ll just try for anything.

another thing holding me back is not having a car and living in mississauga. it takes at least half an hour to get anywhere. it’s such a pain and dangerous in this cold weather. it’s also super annoying because you’re supposed to dress appropriately but when you have to take the bus you can’t wear nice shoes or a nice coat because they don’t keep you warm.

okay, i think i’ve ranted enough to be fine for a while. is anything happening tonight? i want to do something new but non-expensive. ring me.

i desperately need a haircut but i’m reluctant to spend any money. i need it for medication and to pay people back. maybe i’ll just go downtown tomorrow and do it. i was supposed to dye it blonde, but i really don’t have the money for that. plus i decided that i’ll do it in the summer; that makes more sense. i do want to have my hair prettified for saturday though.

random aside: i want to be in a band like paramore. i could totally be that chick. or garbage. guys who are in bands that are looking for lead singers are never looking for chicks. they want to keep it as homosexual as possible and make sure that every band practice is a sausage-fest. most of them aren’t good anyway, but it’s good practice for me.

i’ve been confused as of late. if you want details, just combine some other people’s blogs and you’ve got my problem. it’s almost funny how similar our problems seem to be; at least they’re centred around the same topic. *sigh*

tomorrow: haircut it is.

the more time passes, the more i want to be with him. isn’t it supposed to work the opposite way? aren’t i supposed to be seeing the ‘good’ side of things? yeah, i’ve thought that now i’m ‘free’ i can just hit on hot guys and have sex whenever i want. i’m not that kind of person though. even if i was, i’d be working against it and wouldn’t want to do it. of course i’ve thought of all the regular escapes: drugs, sex, alcohol. i won’t deny that while i’m doing those things i’ll forget, but i’m certain i’d only hate myself more after the fact. i don’t know what to do to dull this.

i thought i was done crying. i thought wrong. maybe it’s just a bad week. i’ve also been rationing my meds because my doctor isn’t back until the second. bad timing on my part, but considering i’m planning on stopping altogether, i shouldn’t be feeling like this due to lack of (legal) drugs. then there’s always the hormonal approach. i should probably get that tended to so i actually know what’s going on. i’m sure the answer will be to go on birth control. weight gain is something i don’t need right now, even if it was all in my boobs.

i think what i want most (after being with jeff) is unadulterated certainty in my feelings and decisions. something i can never have.

and now my downloads have stopped working for some unknown god forsaken reason. ah fuck it, i’ll just go cry myself to sleep.

i don’t know why, but i’m amazed by this every time i see the demo.

you have to admit, that’s pretty freaking handy.

random update: it upsets me to see how many people use internet explorer. almost everyone in my class uses it and i think 90% of the people who visit this blog use it. get firefox people! or at least stop using ie. it is teh suxors.