obliviously obvious

i’ve convinced myself that i have leukemia. that seems like such a stupid thing to say, only because it’s so specific without solid evidence. i should probably see a doctor anyway. i haven’t had a blood test in, well, forever. i can’t remember having blood drawn. i don’t want to subject myself to that. i can see blood, watch operations on tv and all the goriest movies without flinching, but when it comes to me being able to feel the blood leave my body, i get faint. i’m too in tune with my physical self for my own good. i’m getting light headed just thinking about it.

this visa thing is bothering me. not just because of the money, but i have a suspicion that someone may be trying to pull one over on me. i’m probably just reading too much into things, but boy would that suck. meh, live and learn i guess.

i don’t know what’s been going on with my stomach lately, but i’d really appreciate not getting stabbing pains that make me wish i was dead. the first time was yesterday as i was walking home from a very successful exam and shopping excursion.

the exam was for my data analysis and stats course. the teacher is great and his exams are exactly what he says they are going to be. i ended up being late because the power went out so my alarm clock didn’t go off. thankfully, i still woke up in time to get there and write the exam; i was done in about thirty minutes. it was great! i decided to partially celebrate my kicking of said exam’s ass by stopping at square one when i transferred buses to see if i could find myself a nice summer/t-shirt dress for $20 or so. this was inspired by an outfit i saw of a fellow bus rider. she had on a red and white striped halter dress with white flip-flops and a white purse. it looked summery, clean and stylish. i said i’d buy something if i could find something in a nice green or purple because i don’t have many (if any) clothes in those colours.

alas, i suppose it was not meant to be since i didn’t manage to find anything in my price range or selected colours. i contemplated dropping into eb games, but i just looked around there a couple of weeks ago, so i doubted they would have anything new that i’d want. then i remembered that i had a gift certificate for mac and i decided to buy a new lip gloss.

i had searched the mac site earlier to see if there was anything particularly close to what i was looking for. i found these. after messing around with the testers and tester holder for about fifteen minutes, i decided on fuchsia fix, which looks a lot brighter in the pot than what it actually is. it’s just the tiniest hint of pink, but it moisturizes my lips quite nicely. i bought that and i still have money left. hooray!

anyway, i was walking home and nearly there when my stomach starts to hurt. it kind of feels like cramps, and gas mixed together i.e. it’s painful. i get home and the pain keeps getting worse. then i start feeling nauseous and i don’t know if i’m going to puke or . . . something else. i was also breaking out in a sweat, not only from the heat outside but because of the pain. so i lay on the bathroom floor not knowing what to do, ready to puke or pass out. the tiles were refreshingly cool and that’s the only form of comfort i had. eventually the intensity faded and i headed into the icebox of a basement for some relief. the pain was still there, but it came and went in waves.

the rest of the night i was fine and i thought it was a one time event. then it happened again today. i really hope it doesn’t happen again tomorrow.

on a completely (almost) different note, i still need more hats. they had a fedora-like one at h&m that i wouldn’t mind. i didn’t try it on properly because my hair was in a ponytail, but it still looked good even placed atop the ponytail bump. i also have far too much money that i need to keep for seattle. but my visa was taken and someone took out $500 on it so i don’t even know if i can afford seattle now. i should’ve called it in when i saw it was missing, but i really thought it was just at home. i’ve got a month to get it all sorted before i start paying interest. at least i learned something: always call it in as soon as it’s missing. even if it had been at home and i found it later, the only price would be waiting for my new card to show up. thankfully, i haven’t given out my pin to anyone, so they should be able to find who did it. at the very least, they’ll know i’m not scamming them and won’t make me pay them $500 back. bah. this better work out somehow.

there better be a party or something this weekend, because i desperately need to get drunk. or high, but not a laughy goofy high. i need a real, super happy high. a kind of high that makes you feel actually happy not just masks the pain. i think this is what i did last time i went through a break up. it screwed me over pretty well. i couldn’t handle school and my coping mechanism for the pain. i shouldn’t do it again, but i think i can deal this time. plus, i don’t really see any other way. i can’t stand it anymore. it’s starting to make me angry because i want to be with him so much.

i can’t take this! and why isn’t anyone responding to my emails!? i need money and that ps2. i feel like an addict jonesing for my next fix. i can’t have the drug i need, so i’ll just go for what i can get. except it’s real drugs and not other people in place of the person drug. i can’t do that. well, i can i just don’t want to because that would just really destroy me. as if i’m not completely destroyed already.

i need a vacation. i need to get away. i need jeff back.

so the day i’ve been waiting for since november? is no longer happening. b’s throat infection is too bad and the concert has been postponed. i got the call last night and an email will probably be sent sometime this week to everyone to say what’s going to happen. i will be very, very upset if i have to give up my meet and greet tickets for a refund. i just want a show and a chance to meet the band. however, i am happy that they’re deciding to heal instead of pushing themselves. no one wants b’s voice to be perfectly safe more than me.

it seems that everyone but me is sick. a lot of people bitch about it more/make a bigger deal out of it than they should and that pisses me off. sorry, i’m just bitter over other things.

lil’s birthday party was last night. i had fun. i didn’t get drunk. i didn’t even get tipsy and gosh darn it, i tried. had a lot of interesting talks though, and that’s what my friends are really good at. of course, it led me to think about stuff. reminiscing when you’re trying to sleep on the floor alone is no good for your emotional health.

there are moments when i can handle the idea and i just want to let go. then i realize i’d just be looking for what i had. i might have to face that scenario as truth and it scares and hurts me. i miss everything so much.

i think i may have to have a singing session very soon.

p.s. god damn i need to lose weight.

i didn’t really lie. it was my imaginary eight ball’s fault. i’d post pictures up right now if i had batteries for my camera, but i don’t. definitely tomorrow though.

had an absolute blast tonight at the kingdom, again with my l.a. lover. she and i just click on so many things. it’s great when everyone around you thinks you’re drunk, but you’re really just having an awesome time. i’m still slightly deaf.

sent some stupid messages and some thoughtful messages to people. they didn’t reply to them, but they were read, which is more than i can say for most people.

the incubus shows tonight and tomorrow were canceled due to b’s throat infection and general sickness of the band. my show’s still up in the air, but i’d rather have them in full health able to enjoy themselves than sick and barely pulling through. i think my plan is going to go over quite well.

now, to sleep or watch a terrible movie? terrible movie it is. i’m going to get sick at this rate.

i’m sad, dizzy and overheated. maybe it’s because i didn’t take my pill today. given the time, i won’t take it until i wake up. i feel like there’s a huge emptiness that i have to fill. it’s all my obsessive compulsive habits mixed with my loneliness. it creates this unstoppable need to know everything, or to connect with someone and just be. i need a moment of clarity/connection. i miss those times at random parties when i’d have open conversations with people i’d never met before or hadn’t talked to in a really long time and just connected in an honest, human level. i crave that right now. i hope i can get it soon, even just a glimpse of it. a glimpse of it on that day would just about do me in.