obliviously obvious

i need to sing, but i don’t have time before i have to go to class. i don’t think 9am is too early, but other people might. i’m also slightly scared that if i wake up and sing, i won’t go to school. i will go to school. i’ve already screwed myself enough. ugh.

everything’s starting to go my way (sort of) but i’m not even close to being happy. i think i keep buying things on ebay as a way to fill an emotional hole. it’s cliche, i know, but that’s what i’m doing. i’m trying to buy my happiness.

lately, the only thing i’ve been doing that’s made me really happy was singing. when i’m not singing, i’m eagerly counting down the minutes until i can sing again or my next ebay auction closes. at least i accomplished something vocally this weekend.

i finally discovered my chest (belt) voice. well, i always had it but now i know i have it. yes, i can hit the f above high c using it. am i damaging my vocal cords? it’s a possibility, especially because i tend not to warm up (it’s terrible, i know), but my vocal cords feel fine. i actually had an easier time the second day than the first, so i guess there was immediate improvement.

now that i have a job, i should look into vocal lessons. it bothers me that i have no vibrato. i’ve read that if singing correctly and with enough air etc. it should come naturally. that’s never happened to me. maybe i just can’t hear it. nobody’s ever said/asked me about it during lessons, practice or what have you. it actually really bothers me. i’m probably not using enough air. that can’t be it.

i’m not happy. what do i need to do? what can i do?

because the only reason i’m going to sleep is so i can wake up and sing/belt my little heart out to various musicals and operas without worrying about volume. sometimes i really wonder if i should just do it and forget about having a steady decent income. hah!

update: why am i still up? i’m not tired but i have to work tonight and i know i’ll be exhausted if i try to pull an all nighter. i think i’m just excited at having new singing material. not sleeping will make me sound like crap though, so i should sleep, even if it’s just a little.

i just found pure gold. i love how great i am at being evil. while it’s still gold, it’s not nearly as bad as i thought it would be. hammy and typical, but not really ‘bad’ per se. i can say for certain that i am not a singer for musicals.

this is the point where i’d see someone and i’d balance out. i no longer have that luxury, so i’m much more insane than usual. i’m also bitchy, irritable, short-tempered and miserable. it is not a good time for me. i can’t stop caring, but i’m scared that it’s more in the possessive sense than it should be. just another confusion to go in with the bundle.

i think i’ll go with my cure all of singing tomorrow. if i don’t, i’m really going to tear a strip off somebody. i’m supposed to be having a meeting tomorrow too. i better sing before it otherwise i might blow the deal.

i wish i knew what was happening right now. i certainly hope it’s close to what happened last time. why do i hate that fact so much? because it was half true and even more of a threat now despite the current circumstances of the other side. this is killing me.

oh god . . . it’s really over.

so the day i’ve been waiting for since november? is no longer happening. b’s throat infection is too bad and the concert has been postponed. i got the call last night and an email will probably be sent sometime this week to everyone to say what’s going to happen. i will be very, very upset if i have to give up my meet and greet tickets for a refund. i just want a show and a chance to meet the band. however, i am happy that they’re deciding to heal instead of pushing themselves. no one wants b’s voice to be perfectly safe more than me.

it seems that everyone but me is sick. a lot of people bitch about it more/make a bigger deal out of it than they should and that pisses me off. sorry, i’m just bitter over other things.

lil’s birthday party was last night. i had fun. i didn’t get drunk. i didn’t even get tipsy and gosh darn it, i tried. had a lot of interesting talks though, and that’s what my friends are really good at. of course, it led me to think about stuff. reminiscing when you’re trying to sleep on the floor alone is no good for your emotional health.

there are moments when i can handle the idea and i just want to let go. then i realize i’d just be looking for what i had. i might have to face that scenario as truth and it scares and hurts me. i miss everything so much.

i think i may have to have a singing session very soon.

p.s. god damn i need to lose weight.