it is now 6:30am and i’m still awake. i’m really tired, but i’ve been keeping myself awake for some unknown reason. it probably has to do with sadness and missing people. ew. i don’t want to, i just can’t help it. i almost feel like i’ve come full circle and i’m right back where i started before anything happened.

sleep or all-nighter? i’m going to choose sleep because 1. i hope to have dreams that will help me cope and 2. i have to work tonight.

at least i had fun going out drinking my free bacardi 151. nothing quite like having your bill being paid for you. good times.

i don’t want to go to school unless i’m singing at it!

because the only reason i’m going to sleep is so i can wake up and sing/belt my little heart out to various musicals and operas without worrying about volume. sometimes i really wonder if i should just do it and forget about having a steady decent income. hah!

update: why am i still up? i’m not tired but i have to work tonight and i know i’ll be exhausted if i try to pull an all nighter. i think i’m just excited at having new singing material. not sleeping will make me sound like crap though, so i should sleep, even if it’s just a little.

when you cry at video game fmvs. granted, it was supposed to be a moving scene and due to the particular nature of it (romantic, mushy, ‘i’ll be with you forever’) it’s not really surprising that i did, and it wasn’t so much crying as it was single tears, but i still hate it. i’ll blame pms, too. it seems to fit.

i have lots of stuff to write about, but i’m not really in a writing mood. i do want to get it all down because some of it excites me and i want to share, and i also need some suggestions for things. tomorrow or the next day. by the way, are there any parties happening for may 24?

i registered a domain. i’m still using blogger as a host for now, but you can access this site using whitneyreyes.com. see? i also have an email address to go with it: whit or whitney at whitneyreyes.com. i might sign up for hosting later if i get the job i want. i’m too lazy/poor at the moment. don’t worry about feeds or links and all that. it all gets forwarded to the same place so they all stay the same for now.

i’m going to read and see if i can get into the routine of books putting me to sleep instead of using downloaded tv.

it’s 4 in the morning and i’m still up even though i wanted to fall asleep in my last class. my eyes hurt and i want to sleep, i just can’t. right now, it’s because i feel like talking to someone. there’s apprehension and i hope it’s not because of me. yes i still care and blahblahblah but i can’t have someone drop out of my life. especially not this someone. they’re just too special.

here’s to some good, yet depressing and too realistic dreams. if i can’t have it in real life, at least i can savour it in my sleep. oh, to have that feeling back.

that is the time as it stands right now. why am i up? i don’t really know. i have class at noon, so now i’m torn between trying to sleep for five-six hours or just staying up and then trying to make it through my 7-10 class and pass out. that would, theoretically, put me back into a regular sleeping pattern. however, whenever i’ve done that in the past, i somehow manage to just stay up for thirty-six plus hours. i’ll look at the clock and it’ll be 4 am and i’ll have no idea how i’ve managed to do it when i was practically passing out six hours earlier. there are far too many numbers in that paragraph.

i’ve been doing something entirely naughty and completely contradictory to my new ‘focus on myself’ plan. i think i’m doing a really good job though. as much as i want back in and miss it ever so dearly, i am having no trouble whatsoever distinguishing past feelings from current. at this very moment, it all seems so distant, as if it happened to someone else. i guess it kind of did. that sentence has two meanings. i wonder if i’ll be able to decipher my vagueness later on. maybe this next paragraph will help.

i’ve come to realize (why it’s only hitting me now, i have no clue) that everyone, absolutely everyone has changed their mind about their future more than a few times. the best people in my life (and the worst for that matter, hehe) completely changed what they were doing. there have been so many transitions. it’s lovely. i love it. i think i’m having misguided feelings. that or i’m just overtired.

in some good news, i have another job interview on thursday. it’s at yuk yuk’s in mississauga as a bartender. i hope i get it. i need the money and that seems like a decent place to work. it’s kind of related to my field too, so i can always try to make some connections.

i want back in so badly. what’s wrong with me? i suppose i only have myself to blame, with my naughty habit developing again, and my excessively saccharine dreams as of late. damn their realness. maybe that’s why i’m not sleeping. when i don’t get enough sleep, i don’t dream and then i have nothing with which to taunt myself. so, the dilemma again arises as it was never answered before: sleep or stay up all night? i’ll try to sleep and if it doesn’t happen by 6:30, the point is moot. moot i say!