obliviously obvious

why am i still up?

i know i’ll regret using that title on such a meaningless post. ah well, zat is life.

so i just had a really nice dream. it was weird because although we were apart in it, we still acted the same. i knew in my head that we weren’t together, or did i? i think i’m more confused than my brain can recognize. i’m really beginning to believe that i’ve been mentally damaged beyond my ability to see it. i almost feel like i’m in a deep state of denial. i just can’t figure out how i’m supposed to feel. i’m certain i still love the guy and the only difference from then to now is i have no obligation to him and i can’t expect certain things. i guess this is more like a forced paradigm shift than anything else. man, i am screwed up.

before i had to trust that it was there. now i have to remind myself it’s not there. stupid feelings. why are they so tortuous? some therapy may be in order. why couldn’t i have had a dream like that in the two weeks that things were bad? it’s all so frustratingly stupid and avoidable. waiting it out seems the only thing to do. even if another ‘jeff‘ existed, i don’t think it would change my outlook like it did the last time.

anyway, it’s a quarter to six and i have class at nine, so i should probably try to get more sleep.

another night/morning where i feel exhausted. last time didn’t turn out too well and i ended up endlessly tossing and turning, despite my obvious want and desire for sleep.

we’ll see how well this time will go. i bet it will be surprisingly similar.

the hatred is overwhelming. i’m actually finding myself disgusted.

this is the first time in a long time when i’ve felt tired enough to just pass out. i’ll test the theory and see the outcome. mm, sleep.

thirty-one my dear. oy, am i really ten years younger than that? twenty-one. it’s still so weird.

i plan on sleeping a lot tonight and hopefully having pleasant dreams *fingers crossed*. do you hear that brain? dream good things. and would it kill you to try a little harder to fall asleep?

on another note, i know it doesn’t really mean anything, but the gift brightened my day. i’m still waiting and hoping. i’m also trying my hardest to figure out stuff on my end. i’m fairly certain i know what i want (i know), but should i do the opposite anyway for the sake of everyone? or maybe i’ve already done it and i’m waiting for the come back? i guess only time will tell.

i need sleep if i’m going to make it through the day without going crazy.

to bus it to school or not?

i love snow, but walking in it isn’t the funnest activity. i’d rather have a vacation to somewhere cold and live somewhere hot all of the time.

wow, without anything to look forward to (the incubus concert) i’m constantly guilt-ridden.

i’ll leave on the note of insisting you check out kaddisfly. good luck. it’s pretty hard finding their stuff.