but i feel bad asking for it because it’s been such a long time and i did initially leave it. however, that doesn’t excuse my stuff from not being found when i’ve requested it multiple times in the past.  i just want what’s mine or some sort of compensation/explanation. ‘i can’t find it’ just isn’t good enough.

in other news, i might have a real job in two to three months, or not. i have to see how things go. it’s yet another vicious cycle of being poor; i want to do more, but that costs more and i don’t have the funds, but i won’t get a job unless i do more: repeat. such is life.

the new tokio hotel album is pretty good. again, i prefer the german version to the english one. i completely understand when lil talks about her intrigue surrounding them. maybe it’s just because they’re german and they seem different due to that but they’re so . . . interesting, for lack of a better word.  it’s highly possible that i’m just out of touch with the youth of today.  i’ve always been fascinated by twins too, so i’m sure that has something to do with it.  the long and short of it is, now, i want to learn german too.

oooh, how i love this show. paul told me about it years ago, but i never got around to it for some reason. i haven’t read the manga for two reasons: it’s hard/expensive to acquire such things and i’ve already seen the anime so it’s hard to read something when it’s essentially the same thing, but it already has a certain feel to it. comics and books are supposed to have your own interpretation thrown into the mix, but i already have a (wonderful) impression of what the series is supposed to be, so it feels like i’m missing something. not to mention that it feels like i’m just watching the anime in slow motion or something. also, this a heavily music based series and i honestly can’t imagine not having the actual music playing. i guess that would be one reason to at least look at a few books, just to see how it’s done.

as much as i love it, it makes me a little bit sad. i wish i had more discipline to actually master something. not to mention that i’ve squandered my only talent, but it’s not like i’m some super phenomenal singer that everyone loves and is instantly drawn to. i do think i’m like nodame in my messiness and otherworldly weirdness.

i love it. i love it.  i’m so, so happy there’s a third season coming this fall. i hope everything’s still on schedule. and, and, and it has one of my favourite seiyu in it: tomokazu seki.

i can’t believe i’ve watched both seasons already. maybe i’ll have to read the manga just to satiate my need for it. or i’ll just watch it again. i tend to rush things (especially when there’s a romantic plot) just to see what happens between the characters. in anime though, it’s usually more about discovering the subplot/secret that’s alluded to in the opening/flashbacks/cliffhangers in episodes.  but i am a sucker for two characters getting together when they so clearly need to do so as was the case in this fine example. i could go on, but i’m not going to because i’m not that much of a dork. i will say that the sentence i was going to write started with ‘that first kiss’. that’s where i was heading. weee. hooray third season!

two things that piss me off: what’s the point in having glorious,  healthy looking hair that’s so long that people assume it’s extensions? even if i get a chance to tell them it’s real, they don’t believe me. same goes for my boobs. lousy cynical people and not thinking there are actual real people in the world these days.

so the last few weeks i haven’t been actively searching for a job because i hate looking for jobs and i haven’t had an updated resume on my main computer in a while. now, of course, i’m starting to run out of funds. also, i can’t stand living at home anymore. as soon as my parents get home i become this stressed out, irritated harpy. i want to move downtown but you have to have a job before a place will let you move in but i don’t really want to commute from ’sauga every day for a 9-5 job because that will take a lot of time and money especially now that mississauga transit is $3.00 a pop. f-ing bastards. i should just become a hippy/bum and move to california.

there are lots of jobs out there, but they all want shit loads of experience for $10-12/hr. what the fuck are they thinking? gah. i’m just so frustrated with this whole situation. i know i should just get some shitty office job and make money for a year but i really start to go insane after about three months of doing the same pointless shit over and over. maybe if i was in some sort of career, i might not want to slit my throat or the people’s around me every day.

bartending is just as bad. they expect you to be a bartender and a waitress for minimum wage and you have to be sunshine and unicorns pouring out of your ass happy all the time otherwise you’re not a good enough ambassador for their shitty chain. shit. i know companies expect a comittment but that doesn’t mean i have to be super happy about doing a shitty job that no one else wants.

i just don’t get it. i can’t deal in this world. i can’t fake it. i can’t take it. fuck. i’m going to end up a bum because i hate people and most people don’t get me and i just don’t get them. if you’re told to make conversation with me, don’t ask me what my favourite fucking colour is. that’s the most stupid and inane shit i’ve ever heard. honestly, what do you expect my response to be? what the fuck kind of conversation is going to come out of that? maybe if i was some fucking dipshit i’d say ‘oh, i love pink. i’d have everything pink if i could. it just makes me so happy that i want to anally rape myself’. well, maybe not that last part.

i’ve started this entry so many times. i don’t even know where to begin. my life’s been a whirlwind since i last wrote. i guess i’ll just write down the facts and skip over the emotions for now, if not forever.

end of september/beginning of october my granddad went into the hospital because he was really sick and we thought it was food poisoning because it had lasted about four days. before i continue, i should point out that he was healthy and only fifty-eight years old. not my biological granddad, but no one knows where that bastard is, so he’s the only granddad i’ve known my whole life. anyway, he had to have surgery to remove a blockage in his intestine. turns out it was cancer. not just regular cancer, but stage four terminal cancer. the surgeon said he thought my granddad had until the end of the year, if that. he lasted another three weeks and (it was somehow) surprisingly died on october seventeenth.

it was/is a really difficult time for my family, my nana especially. there’s also a whole bunch of other family stuff that doesn’t make it any better, but it’s not my place to spill our family problems.

i suppose i go on to now: i’m in rome. i’ve been here since november tenth. it’s pretty great. i’m in a great place with amazing people and i’m so very lucky and happy. i guess if i’m really honest, i’ll admit that i’ve had quite a few dreams involving my granddad and his death. i’ve been lucky to have good people supporting me through that too. i’m still just slightly numb on the whole subject.

i’m in europe until december twenty-ninth. quite a bit of time left. i’m glad. i need the break. from everything. sorry, i guess i just haven’t really been thinking about it and writing about it now is opening it all up again.

in any case, i have to go prepare some dinner and then make apple crumble.

*warning* this is written with no sleep and many pain-killers. be prepared for typos, missing/wrong words and nonsense. more than usual. believe it. *warning*

i would frequently see the video for ’shake it’ and swear i knew the ‘emo/scene’ looking kid from it. i guess that’s what i get for having acquaintances who are fashionable and for being molested with dyed black straightened hair, facial piercings and super skinny jean images. anyway, i looked them (metro station) up and they’re from hollywood, so i don’t know him. maybe he looks familiar from some sort of weird early morning family channel viewing, since he turns out to be miley cyrus’ half-brother. anyway, as i’ve said in the past, i’m sort of a sucker for the whole scene look no matter how conformist or homosexual it may be. i like girly guys. androgyny is sex. needless to say, i love trace cyrus.  the tattoos really help too.

the music is actually pretty good. it reminds me of the half of p!atd that i adore. not to mention the lyrics are super romantic but with just the right amount of naughtiness, innuendo and ambiguity to make it non-schmaltzy and possibly about drugs and not a girl. but because i am a stupid (single) girl, i like to imagine the words are for me. that sounds much more idiotic than it is, but i suppose it really is that idiotic. i mean, i don’t really think it’s written for me, but the whole fantasy idea of possibly having someone i.e trace write it for me is fun.

in serious news, i finally got a full-time job. not as much money as i wanted, but we’ll see how it goes for now. hehehe, i love trace. sorry, i’m listening to the album and his voice is nice and breathy so im all giddy. oh god, i’m such an idiot.

at times like this i always wonder what am i going to do with my life and i realize that i really, really love just doing nothing. i can’t do domething i love as a job because then it will be my job and i won’t love it because i have to do it. there’s something wrong with my programming where if i must do something i automatically hate it and never want to do it. even if it’s something i really love. even things that are really stupid. i’m the ultimate stubborn rebel, to ridiculous heights (lengths?).

i don’t know if i can do the whole school thing again. mandatory assignments, attendance etc. will totally screw me just like in the past. maybe if it’s part time. but i don’t like doing something all the time. like i said, i really like doing nothing. i would much rather be bored and have to do nothing than have things to do and be busy. let’s face it, if you have things to do, 85% of the time it’s things you don’t want to do and not actually entertaining things.

i think maybe part of my problem is that i’m a super multi-tasker to the point where i can’t function unless i’m doing two or three things at the same time. but i also have to be liking at least two of the things i’m doing. i wish i could put on a hat that rewired my brain for school and work and then took it off to enjoy my nothingness.

i should be getting the internet fo’ realz pretty soon. maybe i’ll start doing this on a regular basis again.

p.s. i <3 trace.