obliviously obvious

in the past, i would too often wallow in my regret. now i realize that the best thing i can do is simply move on. learn from it, don’t do it again or do better next time. no matter how hard i wish, i can’t go back in time. so i must learn to tame my guilt and self-deprecation and really push past obstacles that can lead to a downward spiral of self-hate.

i hate the things i did. i wish i’d have done better. but that’s it now. look forward and do better. don’t do things i hate.

i hope i can ingrain this into me over time.

i wish there was a way to turn off my thoughts. then i could stop replaying the embarrassing reel in my head. i suppose if i just stop caring, i can stop feeling embarrassed.

i’d like to eat something, but i don’t have the energy to make food and i also have very little food.

i don’t know how well i’ll do as a journalist if i’ve only been doing it for three months and i’m burnt out on writing. i’m even having a hard time writing this. i just really need the x-mas break. be at home, spend time with terry and do nothing. regroup, refresh and reset my priorities.

and now to sleep or eat? almonds to the rescue.

sometimes (read: all the time) i want to live in a fantasy world of music videos or fashion shoots. a place where high heels don’t hurt, dramatic eyeliner doesn’t make you look crazy and v-neck sweaters are worn not for sexual appeal.

but i live in the real world and things don’t work how i want them to. maybe one day i can have them look how i want them to seem, but until then i’ll just have to wish and live vicariously through other means.

one day …

i think i’ll use writing posts for this site as procrastination for real work.

on the whole, school is going well. but it always goes well in the beginning. the only thing i could see getting in my way is if i failed my political economics class. that would probably lead to a downward spiral of bad. however, at this moment, i’m not in danger of failing, i’m simply not doing well.

other than school, my life is pretty alright. cable tv in my room is a blessing and a curse. i don’t have a large freezer so i end up throwing out a lot of food, but it’s mostly vegetables so they go in the compost and not the dump.

back to the subject of school, i’m actually doing surprisingly well. in my core journalism classes i consistently get almost or the highest marks. i feel like it’s a natural talent since i know that if i put my all into it (which just isn’t going to happen in first year otherwise i’ll burn myself out) i could do amazing things. it all comes down to whether the juice is worth the squeeze. and since my professor never hands out perfects and has only given out 9 90s in his teaching career, i’d be better off putting my efforts into getting blood from a stone.

i still try hard, i just don’t think i’ve hit my stride yet. the basics are too basic. it’s my fundamental flaw of wanting to be good at stuff right away because i usually am. oh well.

i suppose i should be writing more, considering i’ll be going to college in september for journalism. yay! go me! i’ll try to write every day, but i know it’s not going to happen. also, i have a very good feeling that most of it will be incubus related as they just released a new album. yay! go incubus! i plan on going for another meet and greet at the end of august. it’s been four years since i last saw them live; shame on me. i was really poor when they came in 2009 though and i don’t know if i can go back to being just a regular concert goer now that i’ve been so luckily spoiled.

hopefully this is the beginning of the next portion of my life. the part where i discover what i really want from life and what i need to contribute. although right now it just feels like i need to sing (the vocals on this album are intense and awesome).

i’ll be back tomorrow?